Winding down 2024 thoughts...

I'm writing less and less these days, which I am kind of OK with. If I had to wrap this year up in a headline, I'd say: "quiet little year, big huge internal transformations." We settled into our new home and have tried to keep adding little things to make it feel like ours. I spent a lot of time in my yard, garden, and outdoor areas. Sabin focused a lot of his attention on the indoors and together I am really proud of what we are creating in the loud house in LA. Watching plants grow, tending to them and learning their unique ways and preferences, reminded me of some of my own private preferences and ways of being. Much of my adult life has felt bold, loud, and a bit untethered. And as I sink into my forties, I am craving quiet, peace, and contentment. There is something magical about having your hands in the dirt all day, and watching an unattended and overgrown property spring back to life right in front of your eyes. In my work, big transformations are still underway. I opened my very first corporation and converted my solo practice into a growing group therapy practice, bringing on two amazing psychotherapists. I am about 20% through completing my dissertation, and hope by the end of 2025 to be AJ Rich, PsyD (Doctor of Psychology). I get to do work that uses my full brain and body to help people, and while it can be draining and demanding, I can honestly say I've never ever felt so professionally rewarded in my whole life. Harper continues to morph and grow into a strong-willed, passionate, and independent young woman right before our eyes. She's halfway through her last year of Junior High School and the weight of five more Christmas Breaks, spring breaks, and years of childhood is a constant reminder to seize every moment and love on the people you love the most. Right now, she's focused on selecting her high school after seeing many of the options and wants to pursue cheerleading and a pre-law track with hopes of being a prosecutor someday. She's had her mind made up on that for many years now so we'll see how that shifts or moves in the coming years. As has always been the case, this girl hangs the moon and the stars in my orbit. I still can't believe I got so lucky to be one of her daddies. If Harper is the moon and the stars, then Sabin is gravity. The force that keeps us all grounded and connected. He has been in a position to emotionally anchor me in a giant storm more times than I would like to count in our twelve years together. This year was no exception. In May, I had a really emotional health scare that I was certain was the family curse of cancer coming to steal my life. I was quiet about it, in part because if I let myself dance with the internal rumblings, I thought everything I wanted in life would come crashing down around me. In the end, I found a really competent doctor who was able to do an operation, verify that this was not cancer, and put me back on the rails to prioritizing my health and (hopefully) be around to watch my grandchildren grow up someday. Its been a sobering reminder of the brain-body connection and how we must all take care of both if we want true wellness in our lives. June brought the trip of a lifetime with my best friend Kellie, Sabin, and I visiting Greece! It's one of those experiences that I haven't said much about publicly, mostly because I want to keep all of the stardust contained to my memory to sustain me when things get tough or challenging. But I can confidently say that the entire experience still feels like one of those dreams you have after watching a visually stunning movie (i.e. Wicked, Crazy Rich Asians, Wizard of Oz) where for many nights after you keep waking from some magical land and all you want is to get back to sleep and back to that place. I am aware of how fortunate I am to travel and see the world. Everytime I return from somewhere I've never been, it adds to my understanding of the vastness and complexities of life. 8 billion beating hearts. 8 B-illion! Wow. I've grown fond of Anderson Cooper's podcast "All There Is" on grief. In it, Anderson speaks weekly with a celebrity or known-person about how grief has impacted them. Over the three seasons, Anderson has shared openly about how the podcast is helping him "unthaw" himself after losing his father as a young boy, his brother to suicide, and then his beloved mother a few years ago. I can't think of any better analogy than that for me too: a thawing out. Through a lot of therapy these past few years, I've been able to unpack a lot of trauma and understand the fourteen year old me way better: why he pivoted so extremely after his father's death. Why the 'man of the house' trope stuck on so tightly for so many years. Why losing them and watching them leave the earth was a forced 'letting go.' It's hard to view yourself as the forever-savior when most of the people you thought you were charged with saving are gone. And the new inner circle does not want or need to be saved by you at all. When people ask about my strong connection with Kellie. With Harper. With Sabin. Why these people? Why do they bring up calm where there was rocky waters before? Simply put, they all want to know the real me and ask deep and complex questions. They tell me to sit down and relax when my people pleasing tendencies kick into high gear. They remind me that my presence is what they seek, not what I can do or offer to them. It's a gift. But it's also strange to have to rearrange your whole insides once you've begun finding peace and serenity. And you often can't take the drama of what was before with you into the tranquility that is ahead of you. No more jumping back in. No more saving others. Just saving myself and doing the best that I can. Focus on reciprocity. Say no as often as you say yes. And that's enough. That's enough.