Saturday, June 2, 2012

I am on an emotional roller coaster that I can't escape from.  Not sure when (or if) this ride will end. 

Lots of BIG, HUGE, MAJOR life changes in store for my little fully functioning dysfunctional family. Last month, my beautiful baby girl, Harper, turned a YEAR OLD.  I can't believe a year (now almost thirteen months) flew by so fast.  This past Wednesday, Harper became a big sister, as Shea and JP delivered their daughter, Alaizah.  And in October, Harper, Shea, JP, Alaizah and I will all be moving to Los Angeles!  I got a promotion at work and we are all excited/anxious/nervous/elated/happy/sad about the transition.  Shea and JP are excited to get back to a big city and JP's hometown, and I am excited about a new environment too.  On the flip side, we are part of a much larger pack here and it will be hard to leave the loving unwavering support we have come to sometimes take for granted.  I will spend a lot of the summer traveling between Los Angeles and Sacramento preparing for the new store and transitioning out of my existing one. 

Last month Harper and I spent a week in Tennessee and North Carolina with my Mom and her husband Alex.  We also got to visit one of my dearest friends and former teachers, Kelly Deese, and her family.  And my best friend, Carey, and her family also came to visit.  It was so nice to be way out in the country with no cell service and completely disconnected for a few days and I am glad Harper got some time to bond with my Mommy.

Tonight, my heart is full of worry.  My dear Grandpa who I mentioned a few blog posts ago is in the ICU in Florida.  The outlook is grim.  I love him so much and don't want to lose him, but I also don't want him to be in pain or suffer.  I know if he knew I was even writing this right now he would tell me to "close the computer, quit your bitching, and go out and enjoy life. It's Friday night for God's sake, Age, what are you doing on the damn computer anyway."  

My sister Crystal continues to battle her cancer and other major life obstacles, and it is difficult to watch because I feel so helpless.  I just want her to be well.  And happy. Tonight I got word that one of my very close cousin is in the ER because of a spider bite (I mean, seriously!).  The list seems to keep piling up. 

I am strong and resilient, especially when there is a lot going on, but I cried all the way home from work tonight.  There is just a lot going through my head. I keep thinking about my Grandpa's eight children and how the thought of losing their Dad is probably keeping them all up tonight.  Or his 22  Grandchildren who all have a little part of his spit-fireness inside of them and how they all wish they had seen him more often, called more frequently, and listed more carefully.  It makes me think back to when my Dad passed, and Grandpa caught a red eye flight into Tennessee and on to Las Vegas with us to be there to support us.  Those days, 15 years ago, seem blurry now but I can remember that Grandpa found a way to make me laugh even when my heart was broken.    

My Mom posted this beautiful poem by Maya Angelou  tonight.  I want to memorize it.  It has spoken to me more deeply than I can say: