Thursday, November 26, 2015
I have always loved Thanksgiving. It is one of the holidays that is less about "showing" or "showering" others with gifts of appreciation and more about an internal reflection of what we as individuals are giving thanks for and recognizing those many blessings we have. I, for one, used to despise the times when I had to be alone with my thoughts and "reflect." For many years, I would much prefer to focus on others and not have to worry about sorting through all of the craziness going on inside. However, over the last few years I've come to love and appreciate my alone time. Perhaps my two-three hour daily commute has given me that time I never had before. Perhaps those hours of therapy have started to pay me back. I'm not really sure exactly, but I know that part of it is the ability to settle into myself. As I've gotten older I'm able to have a better framework for what I want out of life and I think more importantly, what I don't want. I've began to prioritize those things in ways that I never would have thought possible. It is still a struggle, but I'm confident that I'm moving in the right direction. Part of reflection is prioritizing what little free time I have. For some relationships that has meant more distance or in some cases letting them go all together. For others it has really strengthened my bond and developed others. I think so much of my personal twenties was more about pleasing others. Having lots of friends, being the life of the party. Making sure that everyone was comfortable- flying under the radar on many deep things like politics, religion, and beliefs to make sure everyone (myself mostly) was comfortable. That those around me CRAVED the time we had together. Of course that was mostly a defense mechanism, meant to cover up really getting to know or go to levels unknown with those people. Ive told this story a lot, but when I met Sabin and he had a seemingly bigger personality than me, and saw how people flocked to him, it was a bit frightening for me. When we went out together it was nice not to be "on" all the time because he generated a lot of the attention and charisma that I was used to giving/being. However, it was also one of the best gifts any person could ever give me. My ability to fade into the background (willingly of course) is/was so refreshing. It gave/gives me the ability to really connect with people. To have corner conversations about real life big deal things that I was really never able/willing to do when I was so busy being that life of the room! I, of course, miss those friends and family that I have drifted apart from, but I also must say I sit more firmly in my chair, walk more solidly in my shoes, see colors/lights/beauty more clearly because of this internal shift and I could never go back to the "way things were." I also need, and truthfully only have time for, those deeper relationships when the other person fully accepts me (as I am now, and not romanticizing how I used to be). Those in my first ripple of circle have dwindled down to less than a handful, whereas the number used to be upwards of a dozen. But those in that ripple really know me; know and accept the real me with my crazy liberal thoughts one day and deeply religious or conservative the next. They have begun to really understand the complexity that comes with me now and never wince at any aspect of my life no matter how personally uncomfortable they may be with certain things. I haven't really blogged about our wonderful amazing wedding and honeymoon, but one thing that really sticks out in my mind is that out of 125 invitations sent out, we received 4 "unable to attend" RSVPs from those guests who would've chopped off their limbs to make it but just couldn't because life got in the way. And then, we did not hear back anything beforehand from FIFTY EIGHT of those invitations. At the surface, it might seem like I'm heading into a tangent about how upsetting that was or how I'm frustrated about basically getting nothing back from half of our invitees (most of which were from my "side"). But the truth is, I actually found it to be the framework for what I wrote about above. Life moves fast, but when I looked out at the 90 people who celebrated with us on the most important day of my life thus far, I realized that while my circle has drastically dwindled, it has also strengthened tenfold. To those that celebrated with us on that day, we shared some of the most vulnerable and emotional moments ever together. It's almost like we have this secret among us that I'm almost hesitant to share with others because we are wrapped up together forever in an amazing beautiful web. When I close my eyes and think back on that day, the grin lines are unavoidable. So are the tears, but it is such an intimate memory that I will treasure forever and eternally thankful that we shared together. So this Thanksgiving I am most thankful for a husband who shows/tells/showers me his love and commitment to me and our family and an understanding of me that sometimes I don't even understand, a good job that allows me to provide for my family, health and happiness living in my dream home across the street from great friends as we take over Marguerite Street, a mom and sister that fully accepts me exactly as I am with no strings attached and no expectations for anything in return, a great relationship with the mother of my daughter and her entire family, and most importantly that beautiful blonde child who fills my heart so much that many days feels like it may explode. May you remind those that you are thankful for how much they mean to you today and everyday.
Sunday, May 24, 2015
I have had this insatiable desire to write. It's weird because I looked back and saw that exactly one year ago today, on the same Sunday I wrote a post titled, "my inner voice is telling me to write." It must be this weekend. Or season. Or something. Life has been exciting and chaotic and fun. We are knee deep in wedding preparations for our wedding in September. I can say with full disclosure that I can be a bridezilla, but I've really been trying to include Sabin and our family and friends in on the planning. I envision a very fun, very loud, very posh wedding and as long as I get to stand in front of my closest friends and family and profess my love and commitment to my amazing partner, the rest of the details seem so insignificant. We are having our modern wedding at a cool art studio on the West Side. I hope it feels like a very Los Angeles type of event as this is the city where we fell in love. Food truck catering, lots of WINE, no big frills or extravagant things, just simple and chic. Kind of like me ;) Work has been very rewarding yet very busy at the same time. My company is opening two new locations a week apart! It's exciting to be very involved with our growth, but a ton of work too! I'm trying to take advantage of a 4 day weekend before the storm starts on Wednesday! I love staying busy, but I'm already looking forward to summer being over so that we can get on with the wedding! On the Monday after our ceremony we are headed to Paris and London for a week! Neither of us has ever been to Europe and I'm beyond excited to share this trip with my new husband! Is it weird that I am looking more forward to the honeymoon than the actual wedding!?! Harper turned four earlier this month. She is still my baby, but as she gets older she also gets all the more cooler! She still sucks her thumb and carries around her tattered blankie (I know, I know---we will figure out a way to end this soon) but besides that she is pretty much a self sustainable human. This morning she actually mixed her own waffles up and then got the waffle maker out and prepped! I stopped her because I was nervous that it might burn her, when she snapped back, "daddy I've got this!" And it hit me suddenly that she will continue not needing me for so many things! While that might mean she can (and will) get hurt, scrape her knee, burn her hand or even break a bone, I'm learning that I've just got to sit back and let her learn, because she is right. She really DID have it. And it also means I might get to start sleeping in a little more on Sunday's too! We had her small birthday party at Chuck E Cheese Pizza followed by a fun low key BBQ at home with friends. Penny, our boxer puppy that Santa brought on Christmas morning continues to grow and grow. Santa must've really known what he was doing because Penny has Harper wrapped around her paw. They are two sisters and Harper's nervousness around bigger dogs, or dogs in general, has really subsided. I'm also getting there, just not as fast as Harper! I've been thinking a lot about tradition and normalcy. As I re-read my above post I'm realizing that not much has changed since I last wrote five months ago or even six months before that. And in a weird way I am kind of alright with that. I think so much of my twenties was working through climbing the work ladder, figuring out my true self, and getting all of the craziness out of my system. I was never really content with laying on the sofa for a full weekend. Sabin and I actually almost called one of those As Seen on TV numbers yesterday because there was a cool gardening product that we couldn't live without. As Sabin dialed the number, we both just looked at each other and then busting up laughing! Yep, this is what our Saturday afternoons have become. I loved falling in love with Sabin and all of the heart fluttering firsts we had, but my real true deep passionate love over the past 2 1/2 years has really come more recently when I watch our routines unfold or he helps clean up the house or get Harper from school on days when I have to work late. It's those things that can often be taken for granted where I have to slow down and realize how truly blessed I am to have a regular day, week, month or year with someone so patient, kind, and understanding.