Wednesday, March 14, 2012


I just wrote three paragraphs that sounded amazing, but were fluff to what I actually wanted to say.  So rather than post them to my blog, sound all PC and appropriate and have many comment about how intellectual and healthy I sound, I decided to delete them all and start over being more open and honest. This is my blog after all, and I wanted to write it for me to look back on, not to make everyone comfortable and get followers. 

This has been a hard week. 

Right before Christmas I met someone with whom I had an instantaneous connection like I had never experienced before.  It was so not the corny love at first sight crap that everyone dreams about.  It was a heart racing, intense, scary, body trembling, shaky all over, and almost light headed enough to pass out around this person every time I saw them type of connection.  And it was a man.  And so instead of dancing on egg shells about it, I dove in head first with absolutely no clue how deep the water was below.  I called my Mama up two days before Christmas and told her the news.  Yep, those life long naysayers who whispered about me as a small boy, those teenagers who teased me and called me names, those family members who always asked what if, those people that were skeptical about my marriage to woman, all of them were actually right, and yes her son was gay. 

And guess what, I really didn't care.  In fact I PROUDLY announced it to mostly every person I loved, with no regard for their feelings because I had never been in this type of situation IN MY LIFE.  It was amazing.  It was authentic.  It was the most real and alive I had felt in awhile and I wanted everyone who knew me to know how happy I was.  Because I was so genuinely happy.  I just wanted to shout from the roof tops every day. 

My announcement was really, really well accepted, by some so much so that it still brings tears to my eyes.  And the naysayers or questioning skeptics can disappear for all I care because who I date really has no affect on them anyway so why do they even care?  And I found myself wanting to defend myself.  I wanted to say that I had a genuine and real marriage and that nothing or no self revelation was ever going to change that.  I know my ex-wife knows that.  I know my closest family members and friends do too.  And I NEVER would want it to ever be changed because doing so would eliminate the best thing that has ever happened to me in Harper. 

Somehow, through all of this it became more about me falling for A guy than really paying attention to the signs and relationship I had with THIS guy.  And my mind got muddled.  Those intense feelings still came every time I saw him, and so I brushed aside that internal voice saying make sure this is right.  Make sure this is going to work out.  Make sure you are listening to yourself and getting what you want out of this too. Don't set yourself up to get hurt again.  And three months later, I found myself wanting to move forward.  To settle down, make this official, really start building a life together.  But that is not what he wanted. 

And so yesterday, as incredible as our connection was, as amazing as I think he is, as much as I so badly wanted this to work, we decided to part ways.  I spent the last two days upset about this.  But then tonight I picked up my baby from her Mom's house.  As she came to the door, I knew she could sense who was waiting for her on the other side.  And as it opened and she reached out her arms for Da-Da and smiled with her one small toothed smile from ear to ear, I was reminded how amazing life is sometimes.  And how God put's people in your life for a reason. And how every day is an absolute gift.  I wasted two days being sad and depressed about a failed relationship instead of celebrating the spark in me to love again and keep looking until I find the person who I can start building a life together with. And how thankful I am for THIS man.  Although our relationship didn't work out right now, he taught me that its possible to love again, and was graceful and honest enough to say that it was going to be with him at this time in our lives, despite our intense connection.

And so I am left with where to go from here.  I know the only place to go is forward.  So I will keep putting myself out there, while celebrating life's gifts each day.  A few friends are expecting children this year so Harper will have playmates and cousins to grow up around, work is continuously challenging and growing, and my daughter just breathes life into each of my days.  I have to keep a level head.  I need to stop and smell the roses.  And more over, I just need to smile and laugh really hard every single day.  I know this is easier said than done, but I am really going to make ME a priority.  I know if I can do this than everything else will just fall into place.