Tuesday, May 14, 2013

My love/hate relationship with May.

I have a love/hate relationship with the month of May.

On one hand, I love May for many reasons.  It's usually the month of new birth and excitement.  Trees and flowers are blooming, windows are open, and the smell of "new" comes across in so many ways. It's the month that we celebrate my daughter's birthday (more on that in a minute), my sisters birthday, Mother's Day, and of course Memorial Day.  

On the flip side, I always get super nostaligic, emotional, and "heady" in May.  I overthink everything.  I mourn the past year and think back about how things could've, should've, would've been if I had made different choices or decisions.  I questions things uneccessarily and somehow avoid (or am oblivious) to the beauty that is around me.

I'm coming off a fantastic weekend where we celebrated Harper's 2nd birthday.  Its strange, because everyone tells you it flies by, but you don't really know what that means until you are staring into the eyes of your no-longer-a-baby toddler and you can literally remember every second, every smell, every sound of her birth and realize that over 700 days have past since that happened.  

For this birthday, we were blessed to have a ton of friends and family on hand to welcome Boogie into the "terrible twos."  We had a beach party on Santa Monica, both Grandma's were on hand, and our new family (namely Aunt Sarah and Aunt Ann) helped create a spread that was inspriring and creative to welcome in a new year for my baby girl.  

I just cant get over how big she is.  She speaks.  She kisses.  She mimics.  She cuddles.  She is is simply amazing.  

I was also floored by the amount of love and support that came from Sabin and his friends, who have become Harper and I's family here in LA.  I can hardly speak or type about it, because it makes me emotional.  But to see a group of tight-nit, currently child-free, 30-somethings show up for the birthday party of their friend's boyfriend's daughter on a Saturday morning with presents and smiles makes me SO incredibly thankful to be here.  It makes me thankful to have found the person I know I was meant to be with forever and watch as we evolve into a family.  Its so much bigger than any one of us.  Its inspiring.  It's what I've prayed for.  It's what we've been blessed with.    And Sabin's gift of the Barbie Power Wheels Jeep will be the highlight of Harper's 2nd birthday for the rest of her life.  She keeps hopping in it (it's currently parked in my living room), putting on the new sunglasses my Mom got for her, turning on the fake radio, putting her hands on the steering wheel, and then yelling, "Sabin get it for me!  Sabin get it for me birthday!"

I also loved watching my daughter learn about the bond that her two grandmother's share.  It's fun to think about it from her perspective.  She doesn't realize that not every set of Grandma's are that close or have known one another for most of their lives.  It's really cool and I think about that time when she goes to a friend's birthday party and says, "why aren't your Grandma's hugging and smiling and loving one another?"  I fear it may be worse than finding out about Santa, Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny.  But then she will always have that.  It makes her special, and even more blessed.

My sister just turned 32.  She is a fucking. rock. star.  I am sorry for the language, but there is (in my mind) no other term for her.  She was given months to live at 28, a month to live nearly 3 months ago, and she is still fighting every day.  I love her.  Sabin and I were able to Facetime with her for awhile on the night of her birthday, and I swear if you didn't know you wouldn't even guess she was sick.  Her hair looked awesome, she had just come home from a birthday party with her girls, and looked amazing.  I am in awe.  She amazes me.  Last month, she decided to sneak away to marry the love of her life in a beach wedding in Hawaii.  I wanted to be there so badly.  It's one of those things that I know my fifty year old self will kick my thirty year old self for not doing.  Hence, my above statement about me getting all heady every May.  

I am starting to fall in love with Los Angeles.  I think for the first six months or so I loved LA mainly because I was in a new relationship and you know how everything seems to be butterflies and rainbows when you are newly in love.  But over the last month or so, and especially with having visitors this weekend, I am realizing that I am starting to be comfortable here.  I have the places I like to eat, I am more confident navigating surface streets and directions, and overall really enjoy being in a huge metropolis. There is something strange and intersting realizing that you share a small space with millions of other people and that all of us are feeding off and feeling the struggles and successes of those other people without even knowing them at all.  We just go together, LA and I.  If you had asked me ever before if I thought that was possible, I would have said no.  But we fit.  I know I still have a lot to learn and there will be things that I learn to hate.  But overall, I can finally say I made a really good choice for me, for my family, for my career, for love to come here.  

I'm excited for June.  June is usually wonderful for me.