Drama Free in 2023

At the start of my year, my college friends all began texting me. Back story: when I was in college wayyyyy back in 2003, we threw a large new years party and the slogan was "Drama Free in 2003!" When 2013 rolled around,the rhyming didn't work but as for 2023.....you get the jist. Lots and lots of "Drama Free in 2023!" messages came along as we transitioned into this new year. What a farce. This year has felt really...heavy. I don't know how better to describe it. Harper was really struggling with the transition to middle school and in desperate need of a change after spending almost seven years at the same spot. Our beloved friends divorced. Fertility issues have stuck our inner circle repeatedly. After three years of caution and avoidance, COVID-19 finally caught me and (at least for me) was no where near a common cold...I am still struggling to get a full inhale months later. My husband's long time entertainment manager died unexpectedly only for him to find out his first love and long time partner died unexpectedly a few weeks later. The company I poured my heart and soul into for many years has shuttered and is closing its doors forever. It feels weird to grieve, but if you knew me at all during all those years, you know how much of myself went to that job and that company and it's really sad to see them wash away completely. Ten years marked without my best friend and big sister, Crystal. Her forty second birthday was this past week. Really struggling to avoid politics when I feel like my LGBTQ siblings are enduring one of the most viscious attacks I've ever witnessed by many people who would like to see us all erased. And perhaps why after more than a year and half of not writing anything, I am here on Mother's Day.....the gaping hole in the center of who I am just wont close. It gets smaller sometimes, and that feels better. But I am forever changed and struggling to understand this new self and get reacquainted to him. Missing my mom is just the very tip of it. Yes, I miss her. But what really hurts is that I need her. I need her to listen and tell me that everything will be okay, without judgement and with endless support of me, flaws and strengths and all. And the fact that I need something that I cannot have hurts more than the grief. When you know you're hungry and that you'll never eat again, you just...somehow forget you're hungry? There are plenty of bright spots too. I have a thriving practice doing a job I never imagined loving so much. And a part time job added to that where I get to work alongside many other talented therapists and finding the beauty of clinical connection again. A new solo office that I got to hand pick, decorate, and curate, with my credentials on the wall. Officially trained in a trauma treatment called EMDR that has transformed my personal life and given me tools to help my most vulnerable clients. Inching super close to the final dissertation part of my doctorate. Lots of quality time with friends new and old and a big trip to celebrate my 40th birthday in Maui is just twelve weeks away! Good health and still lots of laughter for me and my family. But, the math aint mathing so far. Instead of drama free in 20-23, it's feeling like drama o'plenty in 20-23. And today I just want to be sad. I want to let those hunger pains know that I see them, and feel them constantly and that I don't think we're finding any food to eat. It's been kind of desolate and bleak out here inner AJ. Maybe that is it? Just feel it fully and try not to push it down or away?