Take the plunge.

Well, I actually did it. Have you ever had that internal voice whisper to you over and over again "keep searching?" For several years, I've tried to subside that voice and focus on my short term goals of making money, providing for my family, and being absolutely perfect along the way. But the voice inside kept getting louder and louder and finally, last month I finally listened. After an almost twenty year career in retail, working long hours, missing so many milestones, and genuinely giving my full self to my job, I quit. It was one of the most difficult decisions I've ever had to make and still to this day, I can't believe I really and truly did it. For years, the whisper inside of me to find a different career that aligned with my passion kept creeping in. I got really good and shoving it down, and finding every excuse imaginable to extinguish it. Like most people, I didn't even know WHAT the passion was, so how could I risk it all on something that I wasn't even aware of to begin with. I tried a bunch of things; offering to try on new roles at my workplace, job hunting for jobs in a completely different career field, joining forces with friends on business ventures, beginning a book (that I am still working on), but nothing really would stick. I also liked the way I appeared to most people-like I had it all together and figured out. But at night I would lay awake, sometimes crying quietly to myself wondering how most of the world saw me as "put together" when I felt like a mixed up seven hundred piece puzzle inside. The past year was challenging for a variety of reasons, and I finally returned to the same therapist I had seen five years prior when my older sister died of cancer. She reminded me of what a good listener I was and how I always was trying to find things that offered solutions to problems for people in my life. She also said that I asked a LOT of questions, about her and to everyone who I wanted in my circle. When she said, "I know I said this to you before, but have you ever thought about becoming a therapist?" the lights went off inside. Like most of my neurosis, I came home and matter-of-factly announced to my husband that I WAS BECOMING A THERAPIST! I don't blame his eye roll as it was becoming a weekly thing where I would come home after listening to a podcast and announce WHAT I was going to do with my life. But deep down, those bells were still ringing and lights were still flashing! And I thought to myself this is it! I began researching what it would take to become a therapist and formulating a plan. I actually had three plans- Plan A, Plan B, and Plan C. I also researched graduate programs, and found out it takes A LOT of work to become a licensed therapist! I applied to my program, got accepted, and started my master's program in July. I was continuing to work and trying to identify which of my three plans I would go with. Ultimately, I went with no plan. I handed in my notice to my job (one of the most anxiety ridden things I've ever done) and just took the plunge. I know how fortunate I am to even be writing this or have the ability to do this. It will be a big sacrifice, but I am more confident in my decision than ever before. I am just beginning my third class and learning so much about psychology, the human condition, and my own patterns and past. I am eager to help other people. I am working on my neurosis (not a clinical diagnosis of course) of having to plan everything out and just going with the flow. I've been able to reconnect with my daughter and spend her final two weeks of summer break with her bonding and having her beat me in too many games of Monopoly to describe. I joined the PTA and volunteer in her classroom. We've converted our guest room into my classroom. I walk the dogs every day up to the park, sold a car, paid off all debt, meal prep dinner each night, and finding any way possible to make it work. I wish I could've listened sooner, but then I realize that what if I had just never listened at all? What is that voice inside of you saying? Whatever it is, the only advice I can give is LISTEN TO IT! Go with your gut and figure out the details later.