Take the plunge.

Well, I actually did it. Have you ever had that internal voice whisper to you over and over again "keep searching?" For several years, I've tried to subside that voice and focus on my short term goals of making money, providing for my family, and being absolutely perfect along the way. But the voice inside kept getting louder and louder and finally, last month I finally listened. After an almost twenty year career in retail, working long hours, missing so many milestones, and genuinely giving my full self to my job, I quit. It was one of the most difficult decisions I've ever had to make and still to this day, I can't believe I really and truly did it. For years, the whisper inside of me to find a different career that aligned with my passion kept creeping in. I got really good and shoving it down, and finding every excuse imaginable to extinguish it. Like most people, I didn't even know WHAT the passion was, so how could I risk it all on something that I wasn't even aware of to begin with. I tried a bunch of things; offering to try on new roles at my workplace, job hunting for jobs in a completely different career field, joining forces with friends on business ventures, beginning a book (that I am still working on), but nothing really would stick. I also liked the way I appeared to most people-like I had it all together and figured out. But at night I would lay awake, sometimes crying quietly to myself wondering how most of the world saw me as "put together" when I felt like a mixed up seven hundred piece puzzle inside. The past year was challenging for a variety of reasons, and I finally returned to the same therapist I had seen five years prior when my older sister died of cancer. She reminded me of what a good listener I was and how I always was trying to find things that offered solutions to problems for people in my life. She also said that I asked a LOT of questions, about her and to everyone who I wanted in my circle. When she said, "I know I said this to you before, but have you ever thought about becoming a therapist?" the lights went off inside. Like most of my neurosis, I came home and matter-of-factly announced to my husband that I WAS BECOMING A THERAPIST! I don't blame his eye roll as it was becoming a weekly thing where I would come home after listening to a podcast and announce WHAT I was going to do with my life. But deep down, those bells were still ringing and lights were still flashing! And I thought to myself this is it! I began researching what it would take to become a therapist and formulating a plan. I actually had three plans- Plan A, Plan B, and Plan C. I also researched graduate programs, and found out it takes A LOT of work to become a licensed therapist! I applied to my program, got accepted, and started my master's program in July. I was continuing to work and trying to identify which of my three plans I would go with. Ultimately, I went with no plan. I handed in my notice to my job (one of the most anxiety ridden things I've ever done) and just took the plunge. I know how fortunate I am to even be writing this or have the ability to do this. It will be a big sacrifice, but I am more confident in my decision than ever before. I am just beginning my third class and learning so much about psychology, the human condition, and my own patterns and past. I am eager to help other people. I am working on my neurosis (not a clinical diagnosis of course) of having to plan everything out and just going with the flow. I've been able to reconnect with my daughter and spend her final two weeks of summer break with her bonding and having her beat me in too many games of Monopoly to describe. I joined the PTA and volunteer in her classroom. We've converted our guest room into my classroom. I walk the dogs every day up to the park, sold a car, paid off all debt, meal prep dinner each night, and finding any way possible to make it work. I wish I could've listened sooner, but then I realize that what if I had just never listened at all? What is that voice inside of you saying? Whatever it is, the only advice I can give is LISTEN TO IT! Go with your gut and figure out the details later.

Showing Up

We are in the middle of our East Coast Spring Break trip right now. While most of this trip was about having fun and visiting friends and having a great time, yesterday we planned a day to visit with my husbands family in Philadelphia. For most people, that’s just what you do when you go home, but for us this was a much bigger deal. You see, other than one brother, two sisters, and two nieces I’d never met any of his extremely large family, including his parents. We had been debating what to do and how to do this for quite some time. We finally decided a few weeks back to rent an AirBnB house and invite people over to visit in one spot. The weeks leading up this have caused some major anxiety. How would it all go with his deeply religious family meeting their gay sons husband and daughter for the first time? I never ever get nervous. It’s just not part of who I am, however for days I’ve watched in anticipation as we got on the plane from Los Angeles and into Philadelphia. I’ve done my normal travel thing by asking tons of questions and soaking up the rich history of this beautiful city. For me this wasn’t just about seeing Philadelphia, but moreso really understanding where my husband is from and how he became the most incredible person I’ve ever met. As we checked into the house, the owner was leaving. We walked in to the strongest smell of marijuana I’ve ever encountered. The previous renters had a house party the night before! I was starting to panic and get so nervous! I just wanted this to go well. And then suddenly I look out the window and a woman I’d never met was tying balloons to the posts on the drive way (black and white to signify our ebony and ivory union!) and within a few moments dozens of people flooded in, bringing with them trays and trays of food and drinks- pans of Mac and cheese, hundreds of pieces of fried chicken, crock pots of collard greens, cakes, pies, and more food than I’d ever seen. Every single one hugged me, genuinely, and asked about my life. I watched as the anxiousness fell off of my husband and he laughed and sang and danced and joked and hugged with his giant family for hours. I had built in my mind this idea of my Mother in Law as a vindictive person who would use her religion against me. Instead she gave me one of the biggest hugs and smiles I’ve ever seen. She brought a bag full of toys and goodies for Harper and checked on us both all throughout the evening to ensure we were eating and having fun, which we were. I’ve never eaten as well as I did. We had soul food. Moreso my soul was fed. My husband always reminds me how important to “show up.” I guess I knew that in theory but he has forced me to look at that head on. His brother and girlfriend drove in from New York City even though they’ll still be seeing us again in a few days! His sister and niece came from Jersey and even though they are annoyed by their family like so many of they came, they stayed, and made me laugh. And his two best friends tagged teamed in the whole night to ensure Harper and I were fine and well and that we had a familiar face during this huge gathering. After spending a night with his lovely family I think I understand that importance Of showing up even more. Just like that, the weeks and months of trip preparation and the big family meet-up have come and gone. I’m not delusional in thinking that from here we all move on as one big happy family. Maybe we will, but I think it’s more likely that we won’t. However I’ll soak up the memory of last night for years to come. I get it now. After six years together, I finally can see how my husband IS who he is. He has his Mother’s belly laugh and his sisters charisma and his brothers swag and his cousins wit. And when we needed it the most his family “showed up.”

Call to Action for Superbowl Sunday! "The Time Is Always Right To Do What Is Right" -MLK

I've got an idea... We are three weeks away from the Superbowl and for one day the eyes of our country will be off our Head of State's Twitter and onto our televisions. We will come together, people from all backgrounds and join in our living rooms to watch a game, celebrate, laugh, eat, and most definitely heckle eachother over our favorite team. We need a flag. We need a "pause button." I am urging all people-including the teams who make it to the Superbowl-to use this as a day to bring us together and show the dignity of America. Invite someone to your house party who doesn't look like you. Go say hello to that neighbor you've yet to meet and see if they have plans. Put your cell phones away and just enjoy the community you're in for that day. Don't wince at the players who take a knee during the National Anthem for being brave enough to remind everyone that "Black Lives Still Matter" on the country's biggest stage. Try a food from a country you've never been to (Haiti has some killer "Griyo" that would pair great with wings and a beer). Laugh at the commercials. Cry at the commercials. Stand up and dance your booty off to Justin Timberlake at the half time show. We need this more than you know. Tomorrow we remember an incredible man who said, "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."- Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. #SuperbowlfortheSoul2018 #SuperbowlSoulSunday2018 #TogetherforSuperbowl2018 #UnitedSuperbowl2018