Baby you are a FIREWORK!

When I was with my sister Katie in Florida right at the beginning of this journey, she made me watch the video for Katy Perry's "Firework."  I loved it from the second I heard it, and throughout the nearly three months I have been in Chicago, she still texts me every once in a awhile with a quick lyric from the song.  It's my anthem.  Really, if you haven't listened to every single word, you should YouTube it right now and listen with your eye's closed.  I promise if you don't smile when you listen than you didn't hear it right. 

"Maybe a reason all the doors are closed is so you could open one that leads to the perfect road."  This week, I have put myself out there in ways I never expected.  I just am starting to realize that maybe, just maybe, Katy is right.  After a hurricane, comes a rainbow!  Now I am not expecting for things to turn around overnight and I am still right in the middle of the hurricane, but I am starting to believe that the rainbow is out there.  And that is the first time since my world crashed in on me that I am starting to believe that. 

My Mother in Law wrote to me yesterday about a dream she had about me.  She is really intuitive sometimes.  She said I was a bit older and beefier (don't know how I feel about that!), still sitting with my knees pulled into my chest (as I do) and smiling.  She said it was the best she's slept in a long time.  It made me smile.

The last two days have been so nice.  I spent a lot of time with Stephen.  He really is such a reliable friend.  He and I haven't had much time together since I got here because of work (he works for Urban Outfitters too) because of Holiday, Inventory, and our corporate visits this week.  It was nice to just be in the same space and talk endlessly about nothing.  He is funny, witty, and such a "sturdy" friend.  I am so thankful for him and so happy to see life returning the favor by delivering him happiness in leaps and bounds as well.   He deserves every good thing he gets because he gives joy to those around him while never expecting anything in return.  I want to be like him when I grow up.

Tonight we had a small dinner gathering at Carey's.  There was no occasion or holiday, just Logan, Carey, Nathan, Stephen, and I all around the table eating pasta and pie.  We chatted for hours about everything under the sun.  I had to excuse myself to go to the bathroom twice to wipe my eyes and express my gratitude to God for these people.  They are so much more than friends or family.  They have literally saved my life and I have to pinch myself for having these kinds of people in my life. 

This week my mommy and sister and niece are coming!  I am like a giddy school girl.  I can't wait to show them the city and just sit around and laugh and cry and have fun with them.  There hasn't been a single time in 11 years where it's been just the three of us.  They get me without having to say a word.  I am so blessed.  And baby, I am a firework! 

A lot on the Horizon...

I have a lot to look forward to in the coming days and weeks.

For starters, I have this WHOLE weekend off.  Yep, that means a Saturday and Sunday off for me.  I love when that happens.

Tomorrow I am meeting with a long lost friend for lunch and then going to finally see Black Swan with Carey before the award show season.  After the fiasco at Country Strong we got free passes from the manager so we are going to use them.  Carey's also been eager to try Five Guys, a big time Burger Joint so we're going to hit that up too.

On Sunday, my friend Emily is back in Chicago from New York and I am going to meet up with her. 

Then, in less than two weeks Mom, Katie, and Sienna will be here.  While I am nervous of how we will all fit comfortably into my little studio apartment, I already know it's going to be an amazing weekend.  I am so looking forward to connecting with them and showing them the city.  And Sienna, sigh, I can't wait to pinch those cute little cheeks again.  I love my neices'...they are all so special to me. 

And then the week after, I am headed back to Sunny CA for a week.  I will be so excited to escape the Chicago winter, if only for a few days.   It will be a chance for me to attend a prenatal visit with Shea and get some of the affairs in order that I have been prolonging and trying to escape since I have been here.  I am nervous to go back "into the fire" but know it's a very important step for me too.  Plus, I get to pig out on In N Out too!  Funny how the places I have lived are DEFINED by my favorite restaurants there too.  When I was in CA I would obsess over Potbelly.  Now, I am Potbellied out and craving In N Out.  Hehe, the grass is always greener I suppose...

Inventory is officially done at work, and while we have a big visit this Thursday, Inventory is when we finally check off the end of the holiday season.  Man, it flew by and drug on at the same time, if that makes any sense whatsoever. 

Well, it's late and I am off to bed. 

The Next Generation

Tonight my friends and I realized that we are no longer the next generation, we are officially grown ups.  As we settled into our seats to see "Country Strong" tonight, a group of 6-8 13-16 year old boys came in and sat behind us.  About five minutes into the film they began talking and being so annoying and I turned around and said, "Shut the hell up."  They did for a few minutes and then started again.  Next Carey spoke up, "I don't know if your Mama's paid for your tickets, but I paid for my own and you all need to shut up."  A few minutes later, Stephen finally had it and told them to Shut the fu*& up and when they still continued to talk (now about an hour into the movie) I finally got up and went to get the manager.  He came in and warned them, but as soon as he left they began with farting noises and belches.  We finally had it and I read them their rights after the movie ended, Carey was tempted to throw her Coke on them, and Stephen chased them downstairs and right into the manager who offered us free passes and apologized for all of the disruptions.  Still, what is happening with this next generation?  I get the whole "kids will be kids thing" but I know that if my friends and I were ever even able to go see a rated R movie at that age and were corrected by an adult we would have shat ourselves and not even moved to take another bite of popcorn for fear of getting in trouble. We had respect for our elders and we knew that if we ever got in real trouble in public we would be in twice as much trouble at home.  I reminded my friends about the time I had a fit in an Olive Garden (around 8 years old) and my Dad took me into the bathroom, dropped my pants, took off his belt, beat my ass, and then made me go out and apologize to the table and waitress and other patrons for the disturbance I caused them.  I never, ever acted up again in a restaurant.   

Earlier this week, a 5 year old boy was throwing a full blown tantrum on the El Train system on my way home from work.  He was crying, striking his mother on her leg, and screaming bloody murder for about three minutes straight.  Meanwhile, the mother continued texting on her phone and did absolutely nothing to correct the child.

So at Chili's after the movie that we only got to half watch because of those damn pip-squeeks we began asking what has happened to the youth in America?  We have teenagers who literally pass up getting their drivers license on their sixteenth birthdays because they have instant access to everything they need on their cell phones and laptops.  Why would they ever need to drive when they can connect instantaneously with their friends through their Wii's?  I was waiting at the DMV on my sixtienth birthday at 9 am to be the first in line to apply for my drivers license, as was every single other person in my class.  We have kids addicted to television, video games, and the Internet and wonder why Autism and social disorders are increasing by the double digits every single day.  And there is absolutely no fear of consequences for bad behavior because so what if you get grounded to your room, you spend all of your time there anyway video chatting with your virtual friends? 

I think this generation of parents (the thirty somethings) just got sideswiped by the Internet age, but I also think we are going to see digressing with the next generation.  I feel sorry for mine and Carey's children, because while their friends are connecting with the new IConnect or whichever new product is on the market, they will be forced to get off their asses and go roll around in the mud.  There will be very limited time constraints on technology, television, and video games.  And they will be required to be in the house for dinner every night before the street lights come on and eat together as a family.  I know so many twenty somethings entering into parenthood that share these same ideals.  We see our younger siblings, cousins, and friends lost in this world of non-reality and it's distressing. 

I wanted to beat the crap out of those little bastards tonight, but really who I wanted to beat the crap out of was their parents.  Why do you not know where your children are?  Why are they not in fear of a manager coming in and asking them to shut up?  Why is that mother ignoring a tantrum from her child?  Grrrr!  Sorry, I really needed to release this tonight.

It was a great night and great conversation with friends, but man oh man were we pissed.  When did we get to be old folks?

I want to blog

I just don't know what to write about and I don't want to force anything.  However, I watched Private Practice last night and got excited about Violet's book that was getting published!  I mean, I know its a character on a television show, but over the last few weeks I've been thinking a lot about my future.  And I know that I am in need of a desperate change in direction.  And I love writing.  So maybe if I had a theme to write about, I would be able to turn that into a memoir which I have always dreamed about writing?  Can you really write a memoir at 27?  I'm not sure...

My emotions have been all over the place lately.  Going through Christmas and New Years was difficult and fun at the same time.  I am so excited to see my Mom and Sis at the end of the month.

Reach out and touch somebody's hand

I have been having this overwhelming urge to spend more time on my human to human connections. It started with an associate at work, whom I just knew I needed to say something positive to and the gifts of verbal gratitude have just been coming ever since. Not all the time of course but I am making an effort to listen and then speak something positive to one person each day. You would be surprised how people react when you give them a genuine compliment. I am not talking about "I like your hair" or "those shoes are cool" but when you look at someone and say thank you for being a good listener, you made my day or something like that people actually get a bewildered look on their face. It's a really great exercise in connection and paying it forward.

So like I said I have been trying this lately and am making it into a mental game kind of. I feel like people have started listening to me and then paying it forward, but today I had totally forgotten about my game and checked my facebook to find not one but two notes from acquaintances from my past who saw the blog and sent me individual gifts of gratitude. It was so beautiful to be on the other side of my game and also reminded me to keep it up. Thanks to those two pals for your notes today, you reminded me of all the kind, wonderful people in my life.

Am I ready?

Last night while we were closing down my store, one of the associates looked at me and randomly said "do you want kids because I have been watching you over the last two weeks and can't help but notice that you would make an excellent parent." My eyes immediately watered up and I knew I couldn't divulge too much to an employee but I just kind of mumbled something like, "well I am actually going to have a baby in April or May." She looked at me, a but confused, but then immediately switched her glance to excitement and patted me on the back and said "congratulations, that is one lucky baby."

It's odd when you have moments like that and realize that God puts people in your life when you least expect it. For just a few seconds it was just Nina and I, not having to say much else, but knowing that at that moment in time we went to another place and had one of those ah-ha connections.

Her comments also reaffirmed some self doubt that I have had over the last three months and especially month since I got to Chicago. There is a very good chance that I might have to solo parent, at least for awhile, and while the thought of raising a child on my own is frightening, it also is my duty to Harper. When Nina said those kind words, I thought if a perfect stranger can see that in me while I am at my worse mentally and physically than maybe I will do alright here in the parenting department.

When my ex and I decided to start trying for a baby it was comments like Nina's from dozens of people that made her want to start trying. She told me once that people would tell her all the time, even after meeting me once, that they think my purpose in this Earth was to become a parent. I laughed when she told me this. It's usually the guy searching for the girl who would make an excellent mother, but apparently (once again) I have to be the untraditional one! I can't be pigeon holed!

Back to life, Back to reality

I just finished a book that I have been reading for my first three weeks in Chicago, titled Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen.  Everyone in the gang had already read it and recommended it.  From day one, I was hooked, trying to sneak in a few last pages or paragraphs before the train arrived every day at work.  The book is full of gritty details of the life of circus workers during the 1920s and 1930s.  Today I got into the final chapters and it really heats up at the end. I had to stay up and finish it and now it's nearly 3 am! My Carey is on her way to work as we speak! Reading a book again reminded me of how fun it is to actually read and hold the physical thing in your hands.  It also made me sad that my children won't ever probably even use a paper book.  It's like how we look at records or ATracks, that's how they will look at old books.  Explaining to them what a bookshelf was used for in the "olden days" is also kind of sad.  

For the first three weeks in this apartment, we didn't have Internet (that all changed this morning) and I had somehow forgotten about all of those television shows I was obsessed with when I came here too.  Of course, I still have to catch up with Amazing Race, but I wasn't upset about missing an episode or two. I also checked email via my brand new IPhone, so I wasn't going without Internet, but for awhile, albeit brief, I felt a little bit more connected to people and less to the world wide web, television, and this alternative reality that we have all been entangled in.  It felt good, and while I am excited to have it back, I hope to hold on to some parts of that feeling that I've had over the last three weeks. 

My emotions come in waves, and I mention the book and reading because I think what was happening in this book really affected my emotional well being.  If I ended the book at a sad part, I would find myself a little down in the dumps. If I bookmarked the page at a really exciting part, I would find myself all spunky and hyper-like.  It's funny how a fictional story can bring about emotion in someone.  It also inspired me to write.  I know I have a story inside waiting to get out.  I am still on the fence about this whole blogging thing, but I think it's a good start.  It will force me, even if just for awhile, to actually sit down and conjugate thoughts into a clear pattern.

I've always said I wanted to write a memoir, as I feel like crazy/wild/unpredicatable things are always happening to me, and just when I think I've reached the crescendo and know where the story will go, another loophole comes and knocks me flat on my ass.  Sometimes I want to just scream, "OK God, I get it.  I am not in control." But at the same time, at other times I think, "why me?"  Why do I have to be the one to lose their Dad, have a sister with cancer, and a failed marriage all before my thirtieth birthday?!?  I just hope God is trying to get all of the bad things out of the way up front so I can really enjoy and relax in my 30s and beyond and enjoy them without a smack in the face every couple of years.  I almost fear reading email updates from friends and family, or even going on facebook because it seems like when it rains it pours, but I think it's all about perspective too, and I hope that if I ever do get the chance to jot down all of those words into a physical memoir, and get to hold it in my hands and give it out to all of those I love (and don't love), that the underlying message does shine through.  Look at the brightside.  Follow the yellow brick road.  And all the jazz...