For the past few weeks I've been thinking a lot about my Dad and about him an extra lot today. Some weird data that has crossed my mind is that my Dad has officially been dead for more than half my life. He also became my Dad at 27 and I will become one at that same age.
I would love to say I think of him every single day like I used to but I don't. There is still rarely a week that goes by where I don't have some kind of memory/flashback that reminds me of him.
I would also love to write about what a remarkable person he was, but these days I am starting to feel resentment about that trait that somehow got passed onto me. I've heard from so many people how he could steal the room over with wit and charm and how I remind so many people of him in that regard (and most everyother regard too) but as I get older I realize how the ability to have everyone be in love with you gets annoying and overwhelming at times. I used to never understand how he got so depressed and ended up taking his own life, and I still can't comprehend doing something so selfish, but in my own despair I am also starting to feel empathy for him as well.
Today I walked into a candy store where they had hundreds of bins where you pay the pound for the candy. I actually passed it and then took a few steps backward and felt so compelled to go in. As soon as I did I started remembering a similar store that Dad took us into where he told us "get whatever you want" and meant it! He loved spoiling us and I probably got 3 pounds of candy myself!
I feel bad for the people who love me so much, because as I go through hell and battle my own bout of depression I can hear in their voices that not only do they not have anything to say to comfort me but they need that old me back so desperately because they are used to relying on me as the upper in any given situation. It's as if when I, the AJ, can't get it together than something is wrong in the world. It makes it difficult because on one hand I'm being told to keep moving forward into a new chapter but at the same time I have to still play the lead character in the chapter too...but I digress.
The reason I bring up Dad is because I wonder what he would say to me in this situation. I know a few things for sure, but if I could sit across the table with him over a Bacardi drink what we would he advise? I like to close my eyes sometimes and just force myself to remember his voice, laugh, and him overall but I cant put words (or advice) into his mouth. I am so thankful for the men who've stepped up in my life - my Uncle Mark, Uncle Bill, Doug - and many others but sometimes a boy needs his Dad and it's something I never had the chance to have for these big milestones. I know for my sisters they have both battled with these same thoughts, especially as they have become mothers, and Crystal with her cancer and when they shared it with me I never really got it until now. I think all three of us are sad at his choice to miss out on all of this, but I also know that when I get sad or depressed I just have to picture all of the good things that have happened since 1997 and that makes getting out of bed each day a little easier. Dad if you can hear me now, I love and miss you and I wish you would have thought more about leaving us and this world because even though there's been a bunch of garbage there has been so much good too! Until then I just smile quickly to myself when I think about Crystal talking you into becoming a vegan, or Katie teaching you to text and all of the lingo. You missed out and we all could have used you. You were worth so much more than a signer on our birth certificates or child support checks. You were our Dad, my Dad.
This was beautiful.
ReplyDeleteFirst of it would not be a barcardi you would talk over lol..and secondly speaking as being the woman who laid his only son in his arms and remebering his face, he would give you all the good advice he could not hear for himself babe. He would be so proud of you, as I am.
ReplyDeleteBeautifully written. You amaze me, and yes, you are a lot like that fun loving dad of your's who I knew.
ReplyDeleteThis was beautiful and actually made me a little teary. Katie and I talked about how having a baby really makes you realize how much we wish Dad were here. I've gone through it, Katie has gone through it and now it's your turn. It sucks being part of this unspoken "club"and you're not "in" until you're "in" and then there's no way out. However once you believe that he would be proud of you and that our circumstances molded every part of us you begin to see your strength in it and not your weakness. I am proud of you for starting this blog and putting it out there and from one blogger to another, I get why you would rather write than talk. I find myself in that same position often and its hard. You don't want to tell the same painful story over and over and writing it down once and sort of washing your hands of it instead of re living and manifesting more emotion you just send it out there. It takes a lot of courage to go through something publicly but know that your story can touch peoples lives. Someday this may be a powerful thing for Harper to have. Continue to be honest and forthright and always true to yourself. Love you more than words. CJ
ReplyDeleteWhat I see most about him in you, AJ, is the way your eyes twinkle when you think something is funny. It's almost like the eyes laugh before your voice does. :) I miss him so much too. I will never forget when I had Nick and Natalie and he called JUST to talk to ME. He made every person he was with feel like the most important person in the room. You have that. Embrace it. Being loved is something people work YEARS at. You got it naturally from your sweet sweet Dad. :)
ReplyDelete