Dear President Obama,
I share the same age with Edward Snowden, who most of America now knows, released top secret information about the NSA and alleged tactics they use to "spy" on citizen of the USA. I hope that other than this numeric similarity, he and I are drastically different in every other regard.
I want to start by saying I think Edward Snowden is a traitor who, in my humble opinion, should face the most drastic punishment possible for his erroneous behavior. Any person granted classified information through the government (or companies in which our government contracts with) is held to the highest standard of secrecy. What Edward Snowden did is inexcusable, and granting him asylum or any other benefits shows other under-educated, somehow now-high-profile, socially awkward computer geeks with similar information that they can do or say whatever they want behind the guise of that bright-white screen that they use without the full realization that those secrets are called SECRETS for a reason!
I'd also like to say that if you are "spying" on my phone calls, emails, or texts please continue! I have nothing to hide and if the government is screening me, I encourage them to keep doing so along with my friends and family members. Honestly, I have acquaintances that believe STRONGLY that Beyonce and Jay Z are members of a cult, that they should be free to tote around semi-automatic handguns and red-neck flags, dismiss the gay population as second class citizens by not allowing them to marry, and even believe you are the Anti-Christ who will watch us all perish by 2016.. Puh-llleeeeaaaasse "spy" on them all, because I think a few screws are lose.
All joking aside (I really wish I was joking in the former paragraph), as long as schools are being shot up, marathons bombed, and a violence levels that are horrific to watch continue in this country with the terrorism target pointed directly at us and innocent people dying in terrible tragedies every single month, I say that the NSA deserves a round of applause for WHATEVER tactics they are using or need to use to make America safer. It's strange how we inherently put our trust in you to take care of us through difficult times, yet badmouth you and beat you up anytime anything goes wrong. "Save us when we are down, but watch us stone you when we are up."
As a two time voter of you, Mr. President, I want you to know that I am personally proud of the progress you are making. I only hope that as the end of your second term culminates, that you move more quickly on the issues that got you elected in the first place. I urge you to work with the Supreme Court to ensure that the legalization, nation wide, of gay marriage passes proudly. I also strongly support any and all gun/firearm reform that gets automatic weapons out of the hands of any person with a criminal or mental disorder background. I understand the need for the Right to Bear Arms, but do you really think our founding fathers envisioned a lunatic walking into a public school or screening of a film and killing dozens of peoples with a weapon like that when they wrote the Constitution?!?
President Obama (can I call you Barack----no, no, no I understand), you are the face of the new generation of American's. I proudly write this letter in support of you. In a time when people are so concerned with complaining, I wanted to compliment you on a job VERY WELL DONE.
Most Sincerely,
AJ Fernandez
Los Angeles, CA
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
My love/hate relationship with May.
I have a love/hate relationship with the month of May.
On one hand, I love May for many reasons. It's usually the month of new birth and excitement. Trees and flowers are blooming, windows are open, and the smell of "new" comes across in so many ways. It's the month that we celebrate my daughter's birthday (more on that in a minute), my sisters birthday, Mother's Day, and of course Memorial Day.
On the flip side, I always get super nostaligic, emotional, and "heady" in May. I overthink everything. I mourn the past year and think back about how things could've, should've, would've been if I had made different choices or decisions. I questions things uneccessarily and somehow avoid (or am oblivious) to the beauty that is around me.
I'm coming off a fantastic weekend where we celebrated Harper's 2nd birthday. Its strange, because everyone tells you it flies by, but you don't really know what that means until you are staring into the eyes of your no-longer-a-baby toddler and you can literally remember every second, every smell, every sound of her birth and realize that over 700 days have past since that happened.
For this birthday, we were blessed to have a ton of friends and family on hand to welcome Boogie into the "terrible twos." We had a beach party on Santa Monica, both Grandma's were on hand, and our new family (namely Aunt Sarah and Aunt Ann) helped create a spread that was inspriring and creative to welcome in a new year for my baby girl.
I just cant get over how big she is. She speaks. She kisses. She mimics. She cuddles. She is is simply amazing.
I was also floored by the amount of love and support that came from Sabin and his friends, who have become Harper and I's family here in LA. I can hardly speak or type about it, because it makes me emotional. But to see a group of tight-nit, currently child-free, 30-somethings show up for the birthday party of their friend's boyfriend's daughter on a Saturday morning with presents and smiles makes me SO incredibly thankful to be here. It makes me thankful to have found the person I know I was meant to be with forever and watch as we evolve into a family. Its so much bigger than any one of us. Its inspiring. It's what I've prayed for. It's what we've been blessed with. And Sabin's gift of the Barbie Power Wheels Jeep will be the highlight of Harper's 2nd birthday for the rest of her life. She keeps hopping in it (it's currently parked in my living room), putting on the new sunglasses my Mom got for her, turning on the fake radio, putting her hands on the steering wheel, and then yelling, "Sabin get it for me! Sabin get it for me birthday!"
I also loved watching my daughter learn about the bond that her two grandmother's share. It's fun to think about it from her perspective. She doesn't realize that not every set of Grandma's are that close or have known one another for most of their lives. It's really cool and I think about that time when she goes to a friend's birthday party and says, "why aren't your Grandma's hugging and smiling and loving one another?" I fear it may be worse than finding out about Santa, Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny. But then she will always have that. It makes her special, and even more blessed.
My sister just turned 32. She is a fucking. rock. star. I am sorry for the language, but there is (in my mind) no other term for her. She was given months to live at 28, a month to live nearly 3 months ago, and she is still fighting every day. I love her. Sabin and I were able to Facetime with her for awhile on the night of her birthday, and I swear if you didn't know you wouldn't even guess she was sick. Her hair looked awesome, she had just come home from a birthday party with her girls, and looked amazing. I am in awe. She amazes me. Last month, she decided to sneak away to marry the love of her life in a beach wedding in Hawaii. I wanted to be there so badly. It's one of those things that I know my fifty year old self will kick my thirty year old self for not doing. Hence, my above statement about me getting all heady every May.
I am starting to fall in love with Los Angeles. I think for the first six months or so I loved LA mainly because I was in a new relationship and you know how everything seems to be butterflies and rainbows when you are newly in love. But over the last month or so, and especially with having visitors this weekend, I am realizing that I am starting to be comfortable here. I have the places I like to eat, I am more confident navigating surface streets and directions, and overall really enjoy being in a huge metropolis. There is something strange and intersting realizing that you share a small space with millions of other people and that all of us are feeding off and feeling the struggles and successes of those other people without even knowing them at all. We just go together, LA and I. If you had asked me ever before if I thought that was possible, I would have said no. But we fit. I know I still have a lot to learn and there will be things that I learn to hate. But overall, I can finally say I made a really good choice for me, for my family, for my career, for love to come here.
I'm excited for June. June is usually wonderful for me.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
For my sister...
I've felt this overwhelming desire to write for the past few days. Sometimes that little voice instructs me to get these things onto paper (or this generations version of paper which is now a backlit screen with autocorrect and spell check built in).
The past few months have been challenging. I've been questioning a lot. I'm still questioning now.
Four years ago, I rushed off to Idaho when my big sister went in for a check up and they found some abnormalities near her stomach. From the very first phone call, which I can remember every word and detail of even to this day, our family embarked on this journey of Crystal's battle with cancer. I was in Lake Tahoe for work. My sister told me that she was going down to Boise because they wanted to see her at the Mountain State Tumor Institute. I asked, "Do you need me to come?" She replied, "Well, I don't NEED you to." Which is Crystal code for get your ass in the car and come here because I am scared. And thats exactly what I did. I drove like a bat out of hell, straight through the night with only two changes of clothes straight through to Idaho and then woke up only six hours later to head to Boise.
I was one of three people who sat in the room with a doctor right after that first surgery, and looked at images of large tumors and internal organs. Somehow I knew the right questions to ask. What does this all mean? What are the treatment options? The doctor looked me dead in the eyes, and he said, "Look, I am speechless. Honestly I've never seen this is anyone her age, with her health. I am scared for her. If I have to give my honest assessment, I would start preparing your goodbyes because I believe that she only has a few months left." As the very kind and compassionate Dr. Perez said those words to me, his eyes actually glazed over and he was teary eyed. And even then, I remember that I was keeping it together while a doctor that had just met my beautiful, vibrant, dynamic sister that day was nearly losing it.
For the last four years, thats right YEARS, my sister has transformed her life into a story of survival, determination, and endurance. She tried everything. Flights to Mexico to see alternative doctors, diet changes, supplements, chemotherapy, radiation, blood transfusions, herbs, traditional medicine, alternative medicine, in between medicine.
In the meantime, her charismatic and witty daughters flourished into young women. You see, when Crystal was first sent home to die four years ago, she simply wasn't ready. She had two very young girls who needed their Mom, and she took each day by the balls and lived it like it was her last. Mainly because it quite possibly could have been. Rilynn Grace and MeKaty Rose kept my sister alive these past four years. They are a testament to her willpower to survive. They are smart, funny, not to mention gorgeous children who needed to see how to treat other people and the only person in this life who could REALLY show them that was my sister. From the time that she was their age, everyone whose met Crystal feels like they've known her their whole life. Her Mom always says, "she's never met a stranger." Its remarkable, in a world where everyone is in such a hurry to get on with their lives and stays in their own bubble or circle, Crystal has always somehow found a way to get right in there with them. Even the most shy and timid people immediately strip away their shell upon meeting her. And that type of personality is so hard to find. Somehow, BOTH of her children have inherited that.
So here we are. Four years later. And the time is coming to say goodbye to my sister. It's hard to even write the words. Sometimes when I think about it, I have to somehow step outside of myself and pretend as if I am a spectator watching this happen to another family or a person I don't know.
I've screamed out to God. WHY? Of all of the serial killers, murderers, rapist, and despicable humans out there are you choosing to take this simple, kind, young single mother? I know there is a reason for everything. I just wish I could know what it was. Someday I am confident that I will.
A few of my favorite memories with my sister are recording a video at Magic Mountain and calling our group name "KWV" for Kids With Voices instead of Sistas With Voices. Learning to line dance to Garth Brooks when her country bumpkin behind came to visit from Idaho and spent those summers in Las Vegas. Her crush on James, a stinky neighbor boy with frosted blonde tipped hair. Her convincing our father at 14 years old that her farm drivers license gave her the ability to drive in Las Vegas on the freeway and taking Katie and I to Dairy Queen every night that summer while saying, "I've never been to a real drive through before!." Her flying to Tennessee to watch me in a high school play and asking for my autograph afterwards saying that she was going to keep it in case I was ever famous! Her doing a keg stand at one of my crazy college house parties and all of my friends saying, "is your sister single?" I remember going, "She is married and has kids crazy!" Showing up to her house and her telling me I was going to be her second shooter on a wedding photography package she booked (mind you, I don't even know how to work the zoom on my cell phone!). Walking down the Vegas strip and watching her freak out because the wheel on her baby stroller broke off, and her sitting on the edge of Las Vegas Boulevard saying she was not going to walk until someone found and bought her a new stroller. Many years at Lahontan, laughing sometimes until the sun came up and then getting angry that it was too hot to sleep in so we would do it all over again the next day. Our special "divorce trip" when she came to Chicago and we both spent money that we didn't have buying whatever we wanted and listening to music and screaming into the air about how much we hated our exes. Disneyland with the girls where she drove one of those silly moving carts so that we could bypass the line, and when anyone would stare, her saying, "I HAVE CANCER!"
I am beyond thankful for the past four years. They've brought me closer to my sister. They've brought me closer to many others as well. I've learned, through looking through the lense of Crystal, that nothing other than today, right here and right now, is promised to us. I know that my sister will be welcomed into the gates of heaven with open arms, but I am just not ready to let her go. I wont ever be. And when she does leave this life, there wont be a day that passes that I won't think of her.
The past few months have been challenging. I've been questioning a lot. I'm still questioning now.
Four years ago, I rushed off to Idaho when my big sister went in for a check up and they found some abnormalities near her stomach. From the very first phone call, which I can remember every word and detail of even to this day, our family embarked on this journey of Crystal's battle with cancer. I was in Lake Tahoe for work. My sister told me that she was going down to Boise because they wanted to see her at the Mountain State Tumor Institute. I asked, "Do you need me to come?" She replied, "Well, I don't NEED you to." Which is Crystal code for get your ass in the car and come here because I am scared. And thats exactly what I did. I drove like a bat out of hell, straight through the night with only two changes of clothes straight through to Idaho and then woke up only six hours later to head to Boise.
I was one of three people who sat in the room with a doctor right after that first surgery, and looked at images of large tumors and internal organs. Somehow I knew the right questions to ask. What does this all mean? What are the treatment options? The doctor looked me dead in the eyes, and he said, "Look, I am speechless. Honestly I've never seen this is anyone her age, with her health. I am scared for her. If I have to give my honest assessment, I would start preparing your goodbyes because I believe that she only has a few months left." As the very kind and compassionate Dr. Perez said those words to me, his eyes actually glazed over and he was teary eyed. And even then, I remember that I was keeping it together while a doctor that had just met my beautiful, vibrant, dynamic sister that day was nearly losing it.
For the last four years, thats right YEARS, my sister has transformed her life into a story of survival, determination, and endurance. She tried everything. Flights to Mexico to see alternative doctors, diet changes, supplements, chemotherapy, radiation, blood transfusions, herbs, traditional medicine, alternative medicine, in between medicine.
In the meantime, her charismatic and witty daughters flourished into young women. You see, when Crystal was first sent home to die four years ago, she simply wasn't ready. She had two very young girls who needed their Mom, and she took each day by the balls and lived it like it was her last. Mainly because it quite possibly could have been. Rilynn Grace and MeKaty Rose kept my sister alive these past four years. They are a testament to her willpower to survive. They are smart, funny, not to mention gorgeous children who needed to see how to treat other people and the only person in this life who could REALLY show them that was my sister. From the time that she was their age, everyone whose met Crystal feels like they've known her their whole life. Her Mom always says, "she's never met a stranger." Its remarkable, in a world where everyone is in such a hurry to get on with their lives and stays in their own bubble or circle, Crystal has always somehow found a way to get right in there with them. Even the most shy and timid people immediately strip away their shell upon meeting her. And that type of personality is so hard to find. Somehow, BOTH of her children have inherited that.
So here we are. Four years later. And the time is coming to say goodbye to my sister. It's hard to even write the words. Sometimes when I think about it, I have to somehow step outside of myself and pretend as if I am a spectator watching this happen to another family or a person I don't know.
I've screamed out to God. WHY? Of all of the serial killers, murderers, rapist, and despicable humans out there are you choosing to take this simple, kind, young single mother? I know there is a reason for everything. I just wish I could know what it was. Someday I am confident that I will.
A few of my favorite memories with my sister are recording a video at Magic Mountain and calling our group name "KWV" for Kids With Voices instead of Sistas With Voices. Learning to line dance to Garth Brooks when her country bumpkin behind came to visit from Idaho and spent those summers in Las Vegas. Her crush on James, a stinky neighbor boy with frosted blonde tipped hair. Her convincing our father at 14 years old that her farm drivers license gave her the ability to drive in Las Vegas on the freeway and taking Katie and I to Dairy Queen every night that summer while saying, "I've never been to a real drive through before!." Her flying to Tennessee to watch me in a high school play and asking for my autograph afterwards saying that she was going to keep it in case I was ever famous! Her doing a keg stand at one of my crazy college house parties and all of my friends saying, "is your sister single?" I remember going, "She is married and has kids crazy!" Showing up to her house and her telling me I was going to be her second shooter on a wedding photography package she booked (mind you, I don't even know how to work the zoom on my cell phone!). Walking down the Vegas strip and watching her freak out because the wheel on her baby stroller broke off, and her sitting on the edge of Las Vegas Boulevard saying she was not going to walk until someone found and bought her a new stroller. Many years at Lahontan, laughing sometimes until the sun came up and then getting angry that it was too hot to sleep in so we would do it all over again the next day. Our special "divorce trip" when she came to Chicago and we both spent money that we didn't have buying whatever we wanted and listening to music and screaming into the air about how much we hated our exes. Disneyland with the girls where she drove one of those silly moving carts so that we could bypass the line, and when anyone would stare, her saying, "I HAVE CANCER!"
I am beyond thankful for the past four years. They've brought me closer to my sister. They've brought me closer to many others as well. I've learned, through looking through the lense of Crystal, that nothing other than today, right here and right now, is promised to us. I know that my sister will be welcomed into the gates of heaven with open arms, but I am just not ready to let her go. I wont ever be. And when she does leave this life, there wont be a day that passes that I won't think of her.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Seven months later
It has been almost seven months since I've posted to my blog. Somehow life got in the way. And in many ways, I'm grateful that it did. So much has changed for me since my last post, all of it amazing, wonderful, chaotic, and interesting. Just the way I like it.
I'm sitting on the beach, alone today on January 3rd, 2013. I'm staring at the ocean, reflecting on the past seven months, and so thankful for the gifts I've been showered with.
Here's the rundown.
I'm officially a Los Angeles resident. I am the store manager of my very own flagship store that opened last Friday. I'm the daddy to the most incredible 20 month old baby girl who shines brighter than the sun on Venice Beach today. I have found the true love of my life. I have amazing friends and family and am making it a priority to make a meaningful memory everyday.
In October, we packed up and moved from Sacramento to Los Angeles (after a grueling apartment hunt and emotional goodbyes to so many that we loved). Hours on the ground, I began a whirlwind three month trip between San Diego, Las Vegas (Stephen's dirty thirty), Denver, San Diego a few more times, Tucson, Sacramento, and finally landing back in Los Angeles in the middle of December to open my store.
On one of my brief trips home for a weekend, my ex wife and her boyfriend (I promise I couldn't even make any of this up if I tried) invited me to a BBQ with some old friends that lived here where they wanted to introduce me to this mutual friend they knew. As I came down the stairs, Harper in hand, I laid eyes on him. And I knew, from that very second that he was it for me. He is an actor (quit rolling your eyes), originally from the east coast, but an LA resident for ten years with an overwhelmingly awesome group of friends that have welcomed me into their club with open arms. And did I mention he may be the hottest human being I've ever seen in real life (and if you've met him, you're probably shaking your head yes too)? We began our journey with a date...to the pumpkin patch with Harper. And from that day forward, and ideally every day after this, we've fallen deeper and deeper in love. He is magnificent. The type of person that you want to emulate. Witty, funny, caring, easily relatable, and gives as much as he gets. And did I mention that he adores Harper? And she does the same in return.
When I first came out, I always thought in the back of my mind that I would be single for a long time. The more men I dated, I realized that all gay men SAY they want the traditional life...white picked fence, 2.5 kids, and a golden retriever in the backyard. But when push comes to shove, very few (and I mean VERY) actually do. So when I met him, and I carefully evaluated his responses and interactions with my beautiful baby, I honestly couldn't believe it. They were, and still are, authentic and genuine. It actually took me several weeks of having to look at myself in the mirror and say, "you aren't dreaming, this is your real life" to believe it. And he renewed this feeling in me that maybe, someday I might actually want a brother or sister for Harper. That's right, more kids! Or one more. But yeah, that guy that up until four months ago told every customer, every friend, every family member that I was D-O-N-E is singing a new tune these days.
It's funny how one person can shift your entire life. For me, he has breathed new life in me. This year, I'm not setting any New Years resolutions, other than to continue building on the things I'm already doing.
Be a better daddy. Be a better boyfriend. Be a better brother, son, nephew, friend, ex husband, friend, grandson, cousin, employee, manager, and the list goes on.... And I already feel like I've been pretty darn steady and reliable up until now, so it will be a challenge to figure out how to get better and better with each passing day.
I'm happy. I'm smiling. I'm content.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
I am on an emotional roller coaster that I can't escape from. Not sure when (or if) this ride will end.
Lots of BIG, HUGE, MAJOR life changes in store for my little fully functioning dysfunctional family. Last month, my beautiful baby girl, Harper, turned a YEAR OLD. I can't believe a year (now almost thirteen months) flew by so fast. This past Wednesday, Harper became a big sister, as Shea and JP delivered their daughter, Alaizah. And in October, Harper, Shea, JP, Alaizah and I will all be moving to Los Angeles! I got a promotion at work and we are all excited/anxious/nervous/elated/happy/sad about the transition. Shea and JP are excited to get back to a big city and JP's hometown, and I am excited about a new environment too. On the flip side, we are part of a much larger pack here and it will be hard to leave the loving unwavering support we have come to sometimes take for granted. I will spend a lot of the summer traveling between Los Angeles and Sacramento preparing for the new store and transitioning out of my existing one.
Last month Harper and I spent a week in Tennessee and North Carolina with my Mom and her husband Alex. We also got to visit one of my dearest friends and former teachers, Kelly Deese, and her family. And my best friend, Carey, and her family also came to visit. It was so nice to be way out in the country with no cell service and completely disconnected for a few days and I am glad Harper got some time to bond with my Mommy.
Tonight, my heart is full of worry. My dear Grandpa who I mentioned a few blog posts ago is in the ICU in Florida. The outlook is grim. I love him so much and don't want to lose him, but I also don't want him to be in pain or suffer. I know if he knew I was even writing this right now he would tell me to "close the computer, quit your bitching, and go out and enjoy life. It's Friday night for God's sake, Age, what are you doing on the damn computer anyway."
My sister Crystal continues to battle her cancer and other major life obstacles, and it is difficult to watch because I feel so helpless. I just want her to be well. And happy. Tonight I got word that one of my very close cousin is in the ER because of a spider bite (I mean, seriously!). The list seems to keep piling up.
I am strong and resilient, especially when there is a lot going on, but I cried all the way home from work tonight. There is just a lot going through my head. I keep thinking about my Grandpa's eight children and how the thought of losing their Dad is probably keeping them all up tonight. Or his 22 Grandchildren who all have a little part of his spit-fireness inside of them and how they all wish they had seen him more often, called more frequently, and listed more carefully. It makes me think back to when my Dad passed, and Grandpa caught a red eye flight into Tennessee and on to Las Vegas with us to be there to support us. Those days, 15 years ago, seem blurry now but I can remember that Grandpa found a way to make me laugh even when my heart was broken.
My Mom posted this beautiful poem by Maya Angelou tonight. I want to memorize it. It has spoken to me more deeply than I can say:
Lots of BIG, HUGE, MAJOR life changes in store for my little fully functioning dysfunctional family. Last month, my beautiful baby girl, Harper, turned a YEAR OLD. I can't believe a year (now almost thirteen months) flew by so fast. This past Wednesday, Harper became a big sister, as Shea and JP delivered their daughter, Alaizah. And in October, Harper, Shea, JP, Alaizah and I will all be moving to Los Angeles! I got a promotion at work and we are all excited/anxious/nervous/elated/happy/sad about the transition. Shea and JP are excited to get back to a big city and JP's hometown, and I am excited about a new environment too. On the flip side, we are part of a much larger pack here and it will be hard to leave the loving unwavering support we have come to sometimes take for granted. I will spend a lot of the summer traveling between Los Angeles and Sacramento preparing for the new store and transitioning out of my existing one.
Last month Harper and I spent a week in Tennessee and North Carolina with my Mom and her husband Alex. We also got to visit one of my dearest friends and former teachers, Kelly Deese, and her family. And my best friend, Carey, and her family also came to visit. It was so nice to be way out in the country with no cell service and completely disconnected for a few days and I am glad Harper got some time to bond with my Mommy.
Tonight, my heart is full of worry. My dear Grandpa who I mentioned a few blog posts ago is in the ICU in Florida. The outlook is grim. I love him so much and don't want to lose him, but I also don't want him to be in pain or suffer. I know if he knew I was even writing this right now he would tell me to "close the computer, quit your bitching, and go out and enjoy life. It's Friday night for God's sake, Age, what are you doing on the damn computer anyway."
My sister Crystal continues to battle her cancer and other major life obstacles, and it is difficult to watch because I feel so helpless. I just want her to be well. And happy. Tonight I got word that one of my very close cousin is in the ER because of a spider bite (I mean, seriously!). The list seems to keep piling up.
I am strong and resilient, especially when there is a lot going on, but I cried all the way home from work tonight. There is just a lot going through my head. I keep thinking about my Grandpa's eight children and how the thought of losing their Dad is probably keeping them all up tonight. Or his 22 Grandchildren who all have a little part of his spit-fireness inside of them and how they all wish they had seen him more often, called more frequently, and listed more carefully. It makes me think back to when my Dad passed, and Grandpa caught a red eye flight into Tennessee and on to Las Vegas with us to be there to support us. Those days, 15 years ago, seem blurry now but I can remember that Grandpa found a way to make me laugh even when my heart was broken.
My Mom posted this beautiful poem by Maya Angelou tonight. I want to memorize it. It has spoken to me more deeply than I can say:
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Introspection
I just wrote three paragraphs that sounded amazing, but were fluff to what I actually wanted to say. So rather than post them to my blog, sound all PC and appropriate and have many comment about how intellectual and healthy I sound, I decided to delete them all and start over being more open and honest. This is my blog after all, and I wanted to write it for me to look back on, not to make everyone comfortable and get followers.
This has been a hard week.
Right before Christmas I met someone with whom I had an instantaneous connection like I had never experienced before. It was so not the corny love at first sight crap that everyone dreams about. It was a heart racing, intense, scary, body trembling, shaky all over, and almost light headed enough to pass out around this person every time I saw them type of connection. And it was a man. And so instead of dancing on egg shells about it, I dove in head first with absolutely no clue how deep the water was below. I called my Mama up two days before Christmas and told her the news. Yep, those life long naysayers who whispered about me as a small boy, those teenagers who teased me and called me names, those family members who always asked what if, those people that were skeptical about my marriage to woman, all of them were actually right, and yes her son was gay.
And guess what, I really didn't care. In fact I PROUDLY announced it to mostly every person I loved, with no regard for their feelings because I had never been in this type of situation IN MY LIFE. It was amazing. It was authentic. It was the most real and alive I had felt in awhile and I wanted everyone who knew me to know how happy I was. Because I was so genuinely happy. I just wanted to shout from the roof tops every day.
My announcement was really, really well accepted, by some so much so that it still brings tears to my eyes. And the naysayers or questioning skeptics can disappear for all I care because who I date really has no affect on them anyway so why do they even care? And I found myself wanting to defend myself. I wanted to say that I had a genuine and real marriage and that nothing or no self revelation was ever going to change that. I know my ex-wife knows that. I know my closest family members and friends do too. And I NEVER would want it to ever be changed because doing so would eliminate the best thing that has ever happened to me in Harper.
Somehow, through all of this it became more about me falling for A guy than really paying attention to the signs and relationship I had with THIS guy. And my mind got muddled. Those intense feelings still came every time I saw him, and so I brushed aside that internal voice saying make sure this is right. Make sure this is going to work out. Make sure you are listening to yourself and getting what you want out of this too. Don't set yourself up to get hurt again. And three months later, I found myself wanting to move forward. To settle down, make this official, really start building a life together. But that is not what he wanted.
And so yesterday, as incredible as our connection was, as amazing as I think he is, as much as I so badly wanted this to work, we decided to part ways. I spent the last two days upset about this. But then tonight I picked up my baby from her Mom's house. As she came to the door, I knew she could sense who was waiting for her on the other side. And as it opened and she reached out her arms for Da-Da and smiled with her one small toothed smile from ear to ear, I was reminded how amazing life is sometimes. And how God put's people in your life for a reason. And how every day is an absolute gift. I wasted two days being sad and depressed about a failed relationship instead of celebrating the spark in me to love again and keep looking until I find the person who I can start building a life together with. And how thankful I am for THIS man. Although our relationship didn't work out right now, he taught me that its possible to love again, and was graceful and honest enough to say that it was going to be with him at this time in our lives, despite our intense connection.
And so I am left with where to go from here. I know the only place to go is forward. So I will keep putting myself out there, while celebrating life's gifts each day. A few friends are expecting children this year so Harper will have playmates and cousins to grow up around, work is continuously challenging and growing, and my daughter just breathes life into each of my days. I have to keep a level head. I need to stop and smell the roses. And more over, I just need to smile and laugh really hard every single day. I know this is easier said than done, but I am really going to make ME a priority. I know if I can do this than everything else will just fall into place.
This has been a hard week.
Right before Christmas I met someone with whom I had an instantaneous connection like I had never experienced before. It was so not the corny love at first sight crap that everyone dreams about. It was a heart racing, intense, scary, body trembling, shaky all over, and almost light headed enough to pass out around this person every time I saw them type of connection. And it was a man. And so instead of dancing on egg shells about it, I dove in head first with absolutely no clue how deep the water was below. I called my Mama up two days before Christmas and told her the news. Yep, those life long naysayers who whispered about me as a small boy, those teenagers who teased me and called me names, those family members who always asked what if, those people that were skeptical about my marriage to woman, all of them were actually right, and yes her son was gay.
And guess what, I really didn't care. In fact I PROUDLY announced it to mostly every person I loved, with no regard for their feelings because I had never been in this type of situation IN MY LIFE. It was amazing. It was authentic. It was the most real and alive I had felt in awhile and I wanted everyone who knew me to know how happy I was. Because I was so genuinely happy. I just wanted to shout from the roof tops every day.
My announcement was really, really well accepted, by some so much so that it still brings tears to my eyes. And the naysayers or questioning skeptics can disappear for all I care because who I date really has no affect on them anyway so why do they even care? And I found myself wanting to defend myself. I wanted to say that I had a genuine and real marriage and that nothing or no self revelation was ever going to change that. I know my ex-wife knows that. I know my closest family members and friends do too. And I NEVER would want it to ever be changed because doing so would eliminate the best thing that has ever happened to me in Harper.
Somehow, through all of this it became more about me falling for A guy than really paying attention to the signs and relationship I had with THIS guy. And my mind got muddled. Those intense feelings still came every time I saw him, and so I brushed aside that internal voice saying make sure this is right. Make sure this is going to work out. Make sure you are listening to yourself and getting what you want out of this too. Don't set yourself up to get hurt again. And three months later, I found myself wanting to move forward. To settle down, make this official, really start building a life together. But that is not what he wanted.
And so yesterday, as incredible as our connection was, as amazing as I think he is, as much as I so badly wanted this to work, we decided to part ways. I spent the last two days upset about this. But then tonight I picked up my baby from her Mom's house. As she came to the door, I knew she could sense who was waiting for her on the other side. And as it opened and she reached out her arms for Da-Da and smiled with her one small toothed smile from ear to ear, I was reminded how amazing life is sometimes. And how God put's people in your life for a reason. And how every day is an absolute gift. I wasted two days being sad and depressed about a failed relationship instead of celebrating the spark in me to love again and keep looking until I find the person who I can start building a life together with. And how thankful I am for THIS man. Although our relationship didn't work out right now, he taught me that its possible to love again, and was graceful and honest enough to say that it was going to be with him at this time in our lives, despite our intense connection.
And so I am left with where to go from here. I know the only place to go is forward. So I will keep putting myself out there, while celebrating life's gifts each day. A few friends are expecting children this year so Harper will have playmates and cousins to grow up around, work is continuously challenging and growing, and my daughter just breathes life into each of my days. I have to keep a level head. I need to stop and smell the roses. And more over, I just need to smile and laugh really hard every single day. I know this is easier said than done, but I am really going to make ME a priority. I know if I can do this than everything else will just fall into place.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
New Year
I don't know about all of you, but I am SO BEYOND EXCITED FOR THE NEW YEAR. This is going to be my year, I can already tell. Happy 2012 to everyone.
There is so much to be thankful for from 2011, most importantly Harper who has re-shaped my entire existence and reminded me what is most important in life. She is turning into such a little person, and growing by the second. She is now full blown mobile and crawling at rapid speed, and is able to pull herself up into the standing position on all furniture pieces. Her interest is kept for longer periods of time (during TV, reading time, with certain toys, etc) and she constantly repeats Mamamamamama. Her laugh is so contagious and I am amazed at the joy she brings to so many lives. Random strangers in public come up to me constantly to talk to her, touch her, and just simply be around her. She is magnificent and by far the best part of 2011. I am proud and humbled to be her Daddy.
I am also beyond thankful for my family---and if you are reading this than it also includes you. As I look back over 2011, I had so many joyous times with most of you and was able to reconnect with family I hadn't seen in awhile (Florida Family, Chicago Family) and make new deep connections as well (Roseville family). We headed out for my friend Ean's 35th Birthday last night and I couldn't help but smile all night looking around at the amazing circle of people that I have around me- people who genuinely care about their friends and want what's best for them. Tonight I rang in the new year with my bestie Shannon and on Monday I get the keys to a new duplex just two cul-de-sac's down from her house and closer to Harper's grandparents, which will be nice and easier for everyone. For the first time I can remember, I can confidently say BRING ON THE RAIN. BRING ON THE CHANGE. I am SO READY FOR YOU. I have a renewed focus and am ready to barrel forward.
One person I want to say I am so thankful for is my big sister Crystal. I don't mention her often, but she has been a beacon of light for me through the journey of 2011, all while battling her own journey through fighting stage 4 ovarian cancer, a divorce, and raising two small children. Her determination to look every day in the eyes, fight full head on, and quit trying to make everyone else comfortable and put herself in the driver's seat has given me the ammunition to try and emulate the same for my life. I know it is normal to look up to your older siblings, but Crystal gives that new meaning for me. I want to be like her when I grow up.
And another person I am so thankful for is Kim O'Brien-my mother in law- who has fought tooth and nail to keep control of the shaky ground that seemed to be under me and those that I love this year and somehow found a way every time to stabilize us all and keep us moving forward. If you are reading this, you are gifted so much more than you know and I am thankful for you every single day. Thank you for not giving up on me.
If you haven't done so, give each person you love an extra squeeze today when you see them. Pick up the phone and tell a friend or family member you haven't talked to that you love and miss them, and if you are holding onto any grudges, pain, resentment, hurt, or sadness my prayer for you is to start getting over it today and just move forward. Life is too short. It's 1/1/2012 for goodness sake and time is flying.
May God bless each of you. I love you very much. Happy 2012. -AJ
There is so much to be thankful for from 2011, most importantly Harper who has re-shaped my entire existence and reminded me what is most important in life. She is turning into such a little person, and growing by the second. She is now full blown mobile and crawling at rapid speed, and is able to pull herself up into the standing position on all furniture pieces. Her interest is kept for longer periods of time (during TV, reading time, with certain toys, etc) and she constantly repeats Mamamamamama. Her laugh is so contagious and I am amazed at the joy she brings to so many lives. Random strangers in public come up to me constantly to talk to her, touch her, and just simply be around her. She is magnificent and by far the best part of 2011. I am proud and humbled to be her Daddy.
I am also beyond thankful for my family---and if you are reading this than it also includes you. As I look back over 2011, I had so many joyous times with most of you and was able to reconnect with family I hadn't seen in awhile (Florida Family, Chicago Family) and make new deep connections as well (Roseville family). We headed out for my friend Ean's 35th Birthday last night and I couldn't help but smile all night looking around at the amazing circle of people that I have around me- people who genuinely care about their friends and want what's best for them. Tonight I rang in the new year with my bestie Shannon and on Monday I get the keys to a new duplex just two cul-de-sac's down from her house and closer to Harper's grandparents, which will be nice and easier for everyone. For the first time I can remember, I can confidently say BRING ON THE RAIN. BRING ON THE CHANGE. I am SO READY FOR YOU. I have a renewed focus and am ready to barrel forward.
One person I want to say I am so thankful for is my big sister Crystal. I don't mention her often, but she has been a beacon of light for me through the journey of 2011, all while battling her own journey through fighting stage 4 ovarian cancer, a divorce, and raising two small children. Her determination to look every day in the eyes, fight full head on, and quit trying to make everyone else comfortable and put herself in the driver's seat has given me the ammunition to try and emulate the same for my life. I know it is normal to look up to your older siblings, but Crystal gives that new meaning for me. I want to be like her when I grow up.
And another person I am so thankful for is Kim O'Brien-my mother in law- who has fought tooth and nail to keep control of the shaky ground that seemed to be under me and those that I love this year and somehow found a way every time to stabilize us all and keep us moving forward. If you are reading this, you are gifted so much more than you know and I am thankful for you every single day. Thank you for not giving up on me.
If you haven't done so, give each person you love an extra squeeze today when you see them. Pick up the phone and tell a friend or family member you haven't talked to that you love and miss them, and if you are holding onto any grudges, pain, resentment, hurt, or sadness my prayer for you is to start getting over it today and just move forward. Life is too short. It's 1/1/2012 for goodness sake and time is flying.
May God bless each of you. I love you very much. Happy 2012. -AJ
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