I've felt this overwhelming desire to write for the past few days. Sometimes that little voice instructs me to get these things onto paper (or this generations version of paper which is now a backlit screen with autocorrect and spell check built in).
The past few months have been challenging. I've been questioning a lot. I'm still questioning now.
Four years ago, I rushed off to Idaho when my big sister went in for a check up and they found some abnormalities near her stomach. From the very first phone call, which I can remember every word and detail of even to this day, our family embarked on this journey of Crystal's battle with cancer. I was in Lake Tahoe for work. My sister told me that she was going down to Boise because they wanted to see her at the Mountain State Tumor Institute. I asked, "Do you need me to come?" She replied, "Well, I don't NEED you to." Which is Crystal code for get your ass in the car and come here because I am scared. And thats exactly what I did. I drove like a bat out of hell, straight through the night with only two changes of clothes straight through to Idaho and then woke up only six hours later to head to Boise.
I was one of three people who sat in the room with a doctor right after that first surgery, and looked at images of large tumors and internal organs. Somehow I knew the right questions to ask. What does this all mean? What are the treatment options? The doctor looked me dead in the eyes, and he said, "Look, I am speechless. Honestly I've never seen this is anyone her age, with her health. I am scared for her. If I have to give my honest assessment, I would start preparing your goodbyes because I believe that she only has a few months left." As the very kind and compassionate Dr. Perez said those words to me, his eyes actually glazed over and he was teary eyed. And even then, I remember that I was keeping it together while a doctor that had just met my beautiful, vibrant, dynamic sister that day was nearly losing it.
For the last four years, thats right YEARS, my sister has transformed her life into a story of survival, determination, and endurance. She tried everything. Flights to Mexico to see alternative doctors, diet changes, supplements, chemotherapy, radiation, blood transfusions, herbs, traditional medicine, alternative medicine, in between medicine.
In the meantime, her charismatic and witty daughters flourished into young women. You see, when Crystal was first sent home to die four years ago, she simply wasn't ready. She had two very young girls who needed their Mom, and she took each day by the balls and lived it like it was her last. Mainly because it quite possibly could have been. Rilynn Grace and MeKaty Rose kept my sister alive these past four years. They are a testament to her willpower to survive. They are smart, funny, not to mention gorgeous children who needed to see how to treat other people and the only person in this life who could REALLY show them that was my sister. From the time that she was their age, everyone whose met Crystal feels like they've known her their whole life. Her Mom always says, "she's never met a stranger." Its remarkable, in a world where everyone is in such a hurry to get on with their lives and stays in their own bubble or circle, Crystal has always somehow found a way to get right in there with them. Even the most shy and timid people immediately strip away their shell upon meeting her. And that type of personality is so hard to find. Somehow, BOTH of her children have inherited that.
So here we are. Four years later. And the time is coming to say goodbye to my sister. It's hard to even write the words. Sometimes when I think about it, I have to somehow step outside of myself and pretend as if I am a spectator watching this happen to another family or a person I don't know.
I've screamed out to God. WHY? Of all of the serial killers, murderers, rapist, and despicable humans out there are you choosing to take this simple, kind, young single mother? I know there is a reason for everything. I just wish I could know what it was. Someday I am confident that I will.
A few of my favorite memories with my sister are recording a video at Magic Mountain and calling our group name "KWV" for Kids With Voices instead of Sistas With Voices. Learning to line dance to Garth Brooks when her country bumpkin behind came to visit from Idaho and spent those summers in Las Vegas. Her crush on James, a stinky neighbor boy with frosted blonde tipped hair. Her convincing our father at 14 years old that her farm drivers license gave her the ability to drive in Las Vegas on the freeway and taking Katie and I to Dairy Queen every night that summer while saying, "I've never been to a real drive through before!." Her flying to Tennessee to watch me in a high school play and asking for my autograph afterwards saying that she was going to keep it in case I was ever famous! Her doing a keg stand at one of my crazy college house parties and all of my friends saying, "is your sister single?" I remember going, "She is married and has kids crazy!" Showing up to her house and her telling me I was going to be her second shooter on a wedding photography package she booked (mind you, I don't even know how to work the zoom on my cell phone!). Walking down the Vegas strip and watching her freak out because the wheel on her baby stroller broke off, and her sitting on the edge of Las Vegas Boulevard saying she was not going to walk until someone found and bought her a new stroller. Many years at Lahontan, laughing sometimes until the sun came up and then getting angry that it was too hot to sleep in so we would do it all over again the next day. Our special "divorce trip" when she came to Chicago and we both spent money that we didn't have buying whatever we wanted and listening to music and screaming into the air about how much we hated our exes. Disneyland with the girls where she drove one of those silly moving carts so that we could bypass the line, and when anyone would stare, her saying, "I HAVE CANCER!"
I am beyond thankful for the past four years. They've brought me closer to my sister. They've brought me closer to many others as well. I've learned, through looking through the lense of Crystal, that nothing other than today, right here and right now, is promised to us. I know that my sister will be welcomed into the gates of heaven with open arms, but I am just not ready to let her go. I wont ever be. And when she does leave this life, there wont be a day that passes that I won't think of her.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Seven months later
It has been almost seven months since I've posted to my blog. Somehow life got in the way. And in many ways, I'm grateful that it did. So much has changed for me since my last post, all of it amazing, wonderful, chaotic, and interesting. Just the way I like it.
I'm sitting on the beach, alone today on January 3rd, 2013. I'm staring at the ocean, reflecting on the past seven months, and so thankful for the gifts I've been showered with.
Here's the rundown.
I'm officially a Los Angeles resident. I am the store manager of my very own flagship store that opened last Friday. I'm the daddy to the most incredible 20 month old baby girl who shines brighter than the sun on Venice Beach today. I have found the true love of my life. I have amazing friends and family and am making it a priority to make a meaningful memory everyday.
In October, we packed up and moved from Sacramento to Los Angeles (after a grueling apartment hunt and emotional goodbyes to so many that we loved). Hours on the ground, I began a whirlwind three month trip between San Diego, Las Vegas (Stephen's dirty thirty), Denver, San Diego a few more times, Tucson, Sacramento, and finally landing back in Los Angeles in the middle of December to open my store.
On one of my brief trips home for a weekend, my ex wife and her boyfriend (I promise I couldn't even make any of this up if I tried) invited me to a BBQ with some old friends that lived here where they wanted to introduce me to this mutual friend they knew. As I came down the stairs, Harper in hand, I laid eyes on him. And I knew, from that very second that he was it for me. He is an actor (quit rolling your eyes), originally from the east coast, but an LA resident for ten years with an overwhelmingly awesome group of friends that have welcomed me into their club with open arms. And did I mention he may be the hottest human being I've ever seen in real life (and if you've met him, you're probably shaking your head yes too)? We began our journey with a date...to the pumpkin patch with Harper. And from that day forward, and ideally every day after this, we've fallen deeper and deeper in love. He is magnificent. The type of person that you want to emulate. Witty, funny, caring, easily relatable, and gives as much as he gets. And did I mention that he adores Harper? And she does the same in return.
When I first came out, I always thought in the back of my mind that I would be single for a long time. The more men I dated, I realized that all gay men SAY they want the traditional life...white picked fence, 2.5 kids, and a golden retriever in the backyard. But when push comes to shove, very few (and I mean VERY) actually do. So when I met him, and I carefully evaluated his responses and interactions with my beautiful baby, I honestly couldn't believe it. They were, and still are, authentic and genuine. It actually took me several weeks of having to look at myself in the mirror and say, "you aren't dreaming, this is your real life" to believe it. And he renewed this feeling in me that maybe, someday I might actually want a brother or sister for Harper. That's right, more kids! Or one more. But yeah, that guy that up until four months ago told every customer, every friend, every family member that I was D-O-N-E is singing a new tune these days.
It's funny how one person can shift your entire life. For me, he has breathed new life in me. This year, I'm not setting any New Years resolutions, other than to continue building on the things I'm already doing.
Be a better daddy. Be a better boyfriend. Be a better brother, son, nephew, friend, ex husband, friend, grandson, cousin, employee, manager, and the list goes on.... And I already feel like I've been pretty darn steady and reliable up until now, so it will be a challenge to figure out how to get better and better with each passing day.
I'm happy. I'm smiling. I'm content.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
I am on an emotional roller coaster that I can't escape from. Not sure when (or if) this ride will end.
Lots of BIG, HUGE, MAJOR life changes in store for my little fully functioning dysfunctional family. Last month, my beautiful baby girl, Harper, turned a YEAR OLD. I can't believe a year (now almost thirteen months) flew by so fast. This past Wednesday, Harper became a big sister, as Shea and JP delivered their daughter, Alaizah. And in October, Harper, Shea, JP, Alaizah and I will all be moving to Los Angeles! I got a promotion at work and we are all excited/anxious/nervous/elated/happy/sad about the transition. Shea and JP are excited to get back to a big city and JP's hometown, and I am excited about a new environment too. On the flip side, we are part of a much larger pack here and it will be hard to leave the loving unwavering support we have come to sometimes take for granted. I will spend a lot of the summer traveling between Los Angeles and Sacramento preparing for the new store and transitioning out of my existing one.
Last month Harper and I spent a week in Tennessee and North Carolina with my Mom and her husband Alex. We also got to visit one of my dearest friends and former teachers, Kelly Deese, and her family. And my best friend, Carey, and her family also came to visit. It was so nice to be way out in the country with no cell service and completely disconnected for a few days and I am glad Harper got some time to bond with my Mommy.
Tonight, my heart is full of worry. My dear Grandpa who I mentioned a few blog posts ago is in the ICU in Florida. The outlook is grim. I love him so much and don't want to lose him, but I also don't want him to be in pain or suffer. I know if he knew I was even writing this right now he would tell me to "close the computer, quit your bitching, and go out and enjoy life. It's Friday night for God's sake, Age, what are you doing on the damn computer anyway."
My sister Crystal continues to battle her cancer and other major life obstacles, and it is difficult to watch because I feel so helpless. I just want her to be well. And happy. Tonight I got word that one of my very close cousin is in the ER because of a spider bite (I mean, seriously!). The list seems to keep piling up.
I am strong and resilient, especially when there is a lot going on, but I cried all the way home from work tonight. There is just a lot going through my head. I keep thinking about my Grandpa's eight children and how the thought of losing their Dad is probably keeping them all up tonight. Or his 22 Grandchildren who all have a little part of his spit-fireness inside of them and how they all wish they had seen him more often, called more frequently, and listed more carefully. It makes me think back to when my Dad passed, and Grandpa caught a red eye flight into Tennessee and on to Las Vegas with us to be there to support us. Those days, 15 years ago, seem blurry now but I can remember that Grandpa found a way to make me laugh even when my heart was broken.
My Mom posted this beautiful poem by Maya Angelou tonight. I want to memorize it. It has spoken to me more deeply than I can say:
Lots of BIG, HUGE, MAJOR life changes in store for my little fully functioning dysfunctional family. Last month, my beautiful baby girl, Harper, turned a YEAR OLD. I can't believe a year (now almost thirteen months) flew by so fast. This past Wednesday, Harper became a big sister, as Shea and JP delivered their daughter, Alaizah. And in October, Harper, Shea, JP, Alaizah and I will all be moving to Los Angeles! I got a promotion at work and we are all excited/anxious/nervous/elated/happy/sad about the transition. Shea and JP are excited to get back to a big city and JP's hometown, and I am excited about a new environment too. On the flip side, we are part of a much larger pack here and it will be hard to leave the loving unwavering support we have come to sometimes take for granted. I will spend a lot of the summer traveling between Los Angeles and Sacramento preparing for the new store and transitioning out of my existing one.
Last month Harper and I spent a week in Tennessee and North Carolina with my Mom and her husband Alex. We also got to visit one of my dearest friends and former teachers, Kelly Deese, and her family. And my best friend, Carey, and her family also came to visit. It was so nice to be way out in the country with no cell service and completely disconnected for a few days and I am glad Harper got some time to bond with my Mommy.
Tonight, my heart is full of worry. My dear Grandpa who I mentioned a few blog posts ago is in the ICU in Florida. The outlook is grim. I love him so much and don't want to lose him, but I also don't want him to be in pain or suffer. I know if he knew I was even writing this right now he would tell me to "close the computer, quit your bitching, and go out and enjoy life. It's Friday night for God's sake, Age, what are you doing on the damn computer anyway."
My sister Crystal continues to battle her cancer and other major life obstacles, and it is difficult to watch because I feel so helpless. I just want her to be well. And happy. Tonight I got word that one of my very close cousin is in the ER because of a spider bite (I mean, seriously!). The list seems to keep piling up.
I am strong and resilient, especially when there is a lot going on, but I cried all the way home from work tonight. There is just a lot going through my head. I keep thinking about my Grandpa's eight children and how the thought of losing their Dad is probably keeping them all up tonight. Or his 22 Grandchildren who all have a little part of his spit-fireness inside of them and how they all wish they had seen him more often, called more frequently, and listed more carefully. It makes me think back to when my Dad passed, and Grandpa caught a red eye flight into Tennessee and on to Las Vegas with us to be there to support us. Those days, 15 years ago, seem blurry now but I can remember that Grandpa found a way to make me laugh even when my heart was broken.
My Mom posted this beautiful poem by Maya Angelou tonight. I want to memorize it. It has spoken to me more deeply than I can say:
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Introspection
I just wrote three paragraphs that sounded amazing, but were fluff to what I actually wanted to say. So rather than post them to my blog, sound all PC and appropriate and have many comment about how intellectual and healthy I sound, I decided to delete them all and start over being more open and honest. This is my blog after all, and I wanted to write it for me to look back on, not to make everyone comfortable and get followers.
This has been a hard week.
Right before Christmas I met someone with whom I had an instantaneous connection like I had never experienced before. It was so not the corny love at first sight crap that everyone dreams about. It was a heart racing, intense, scary, body trembling, shaky all over, and almost light headed enough to pass out around this person every time I saw them type of connection. And it was a man. And so instead of dancing on egg shells about it, I dove in head first with absolutely no clue how deep the water was below. I called my Mama up two days before Christmas and told her the news. Yep, those life long naysayers who whispered about me as a small boy, those teenagers who teased me and called me names, those family members who always asked what if, those people that were skeptical about my marriage to woman, all of them were actually right, and yes her son was gay.
And guess what, I really didn't care. In fact I PROUDLY announced it to mostly every person I loved, with no regard for their feelings because I had never been in this type of situation IN MY LIFE. It was amazing. It was authentic. It was the most real and alive I had felt in awhile and I wanted everyone who knew me to know how happy I was. Because I was so genuinely happy. I just wanted to shout from the roof tops every day.
My announcement was really, really well accepted, by some so much so that it still brings tears to my eyes. And the naysayers or questioning skeptics can disappear for all I care because who I date really has no affect on them anyway so why do they even care? And I found myself wanting to defend myself. I wanted to say that I had a genuine and real marriage and that nothing or no self revelation was ever going to change that. I know my ex-wife knows that. I know my closest family members and friends do too. And I NEVER would want it to ever be changed because doing so would eliminate the best thing that has ever happened to me in Harper.
Somehow, through all of this it became more about me falling for A guy than really paying attention to the signs and relationship I had with THIS guy. And my mind got muddled. Those intense feelings still came every time I saw him, and so I brushed aside that internal voice saying make sure this is right. Make sure this is going to work out. Make sure you are listening to yourself and getting what you want out of this too. Don't set yourself up to get hurt again. And three months later, I found myself wanting to move forward. To settle down, make this official, really start building a life together. But that is not what he wanted.
And so yesterday, as incredible as our connection was, as amazing as I think he is, as much as I so badly wanted this to work, we decided to part ways. I spent the last two days upset about this. But then tonight I picked up my baby from her Mom's house. As she came to the door, I knew she could sense who was waiting for her on the other side. And as it opened and she reached out her arms for Da-Da and smiled with her one small toothed smile from ear to ear, I was reminded how amazing life is sometimes. And how God put's people in your life for a reason. And how every day is an absolute gift. I wasted two days being sad and depressed about a failed relationship instead of celebrating the spark in me to love again and keep looking until I find the person who I can start building a life together with. And how thankful I am for THIS man. Although our relationship didn't work out right now, he taught me that its possible to love again, and was graceful and honest enough to say that it was going to be with him at this time in our lives, despite our intense connection.
And so I am left with where to go from here. I know the only place to go is forward. So I will keep putting myself out there, while celebrating life's gifts each day. A few friends are expecting children this year so Harper will have playmates and cousins to grow up around, work is continuously challenging and growing, and my daughter just breathes life into each of my days. I have to keep a level head. I need to stop and smell the roses. And more over, I just need to smile and laugh really hard every single day. I know this is easier said than done, but I am really going to make ME a priority. I know if I can do this than everything else will just fall into place.
This has been a hard week.
Right before Christmas I met someone with whom I had an instantaneous connection like I had never experienced before. It was so not the corny love at first sight crap that everyone dreams about. It was a heart racing, intense, scary, body trembling, shaky all over, and almost light headed enough to pass out around this person every time I saw them type of connection. And it was a man. And so instead of dancing on egg shells about it, I dove in head first with absolutely no clue how deep the water was below. I called my Mama up two days before Christmas and told her the news. Yep, those life long naysayers who whispered about me as a small boy, those teenagers who teased me and called me names, those family members who always asked what if, those people that were skeptical about my marriage to woman, all of them were actually right, and yes her son was gay.
And guess what, I really didn't care. In fact I PROUDLY announced it to mostly every person I loved, with no regard for their feelings because I had never been in this type of situation IN MY LIFE. It was amazing. It was authentic. It was the most real and alive I had felt in awhile and I wanted everyone who knew me to know how happy I was. Because I was so genuinely happy. I just wanted to shout from the roof tops every day.
My announcement was really, really well accepted, by some so much so that it still brings tears to my eyes. And the naysayers or questioning skeptics can disappear for all I care because who I date really has no affect on them anyway so why do they even care? And I found myself wanting to defend myself. I wanted to say that I had a genuine and real marriage and that nothing or no self revelation was ever going to change that. I know my ex-wife knows that. I know my closest family members and friends do too. And I NEVER would want it to ever be changed because doing so would eliminate the best thing that has ever happened to me in Harper.
Somehow, through all of this it became more about me falling for A guy than really paying attention to the signs and relationship I had with THIS guy. And my mind got muddled. Those intense feelings still came every time I saw him, and so I brushed aside that internal voice saying make sure this is right. Make sure this is going to work out. Make sure you are listening to yourself and getting what you want out of this too. Don't set yourself up to get hurt again. And three months later, I found myself wanting to move forward. To settle down, make this official, really start building a life together. But that is not what he wanted.
And so yesterday, as incredible as our connection was, as amazing as I think he is, as much as I so badly wanted this to work, we decided to part ways. I spent the last two days upset about this. But then tonight I picked up my baby from her Mom's house. As she came to the door, I knew she could sense who was waiting for her on the other side. And as it opened and she reached out her arms for Da-Da and smiled with her one small toothed smile from ear to ear, I was reminded how amazing life is sometimes. And how God put's people in your life for a reason. And how every day is an absolute gift. I wasted two days being sad and depressed about a failed relationship instead of celebrating the spark in me to love again and keep looking until I find the person who I can start building a life together with. And how thankful I am for THIS man. Although our relationship didn't work out right now, he taught me that its possible to love again, and was graceful and honest enough to say that it was going to be with him at this time in our lives, despite our intense connection.
And so I am left with where to go from here. I know the only place to go is forward. So I will keep putting myself out there, while celebrating life's gifts each day. A few friends are expecting children this year so Harper will have playmates and cousins to grow up around, work is continuously challenging and growing, and my daughter just breathes life into each of my days. I have to keep a level head. I need to stop and smell the roses. And more over, I just need to smile and laugh really hard every single day. I know this is easier said than done, but I am really going to make ME a priority. I know if I can do this than everything else will just fall into place.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
New Year
I don't know about all of you, but I am SO BEYOND EXCITED FOR THE NEW YEAR. This is going to be my year, I can already tell. Happy 2012 to everyone.
There is so much to be thankful for from 2011, most importantly Harper who has re-shaped my entire existence and reminded me what is most important in life. She is turning into such a little person, and growing by the second. She is now full blown mobile and crawling at rapid speed, and is able to pull herself up into the standing position on all furniture pieces. Her interest is kept for longer periods of time (during TV, reading time, with certain toys, etc) and she constantly repeats Mamamamamama. Her laugh is so contagious and I am amazed at the joy she brings to so many lives. Random strangers in public come up to me constantly to talk to her, touch her, and just simply be around her. She is magnificent and by far the best part of 2011. I am proud and humbled to be her Daddy.
I am also beyond thankful for my family---and if you are reading this than it also includes you. As I look back over 2011, I had so many joyous times with most of you and was able to reconnect with family I hadn't seen in awhile (Florida Family, Chicago Family) and make new deep connections as well (Roseville family). We headed out for my friend Ean's 35th Birthday last night and I couldn't help but smile all night looking around at the amazing circle of people that I have around me- people who genuinely care about their friends and want what's best for them. Tonight I rang in the new year with my bestie Shannon and on Monday I get the keys to a new duplex just two cul-de-sac's down from her house and closer to Harper's grandparents, which will be nice and easier for everyone. For the first time I can remember, I can confidently say BRING ON THE RAIN. BRING ON THE CHANGE. I am SO READY FOR YOU. I have a renewed focus and am ready to barrel forward.
One person I want to say I am so thankful for is my big sister Crystal. I don't mention her often, but she has been a beacon of light for me through the journey of 2011, all while battling her own journey through fighting stage 4 ovarian cancer, a divorce, and raising two small children. Her determination to look every day in the eyes, fight full head on, and quit trying to make everyone else comfortable and put herself in the driver's seat has given me the ammunition to try and emulate the same for my life. I know it is normal to look up to your older siblings, but Crystal gives that new meaning for me. I want to be like her when I grow up.
And another person I am so thankful for is Kim O'Brien-my mother in law- who has fought tooth and nail to keep control of the shaky ground that seemed to be under me and those that I love this year and somehow found a way every time to stabilize us all and keep us moving forward. If you are reading this, you are gifted so much more than you know and I am thankful for you every single day. Thank you for not giving up on me.
If you haven't done so, give each person you love an extra squeeze today when you see them. Pick up the phone and tell a friend or family member you haven't talked to that you love and miss them, and if you are holding onto any grudges, pain, resentment, hurt, or sadness my prayer for you is to start getting over it today and just move forward. Life is too short. It's 1/1/2012 for goodness sake and time is flying.
May God bless each of you. I love you very much. Happy 2012. -AJ
There is so much to be thankful for from 2011, most importantly Harper who has re-shaped my entire existence and reminded me what is most important in life. She is turning into such a little person, and growing by the second. She is now full blown mobile and crawling at rapid speed, and is able to pull herself up into the standing position on all furniture pieces. Her interest is kept for longer periods of time (during TV, reading time, with certain toys, etc) and she constantly repeats Mamamamamama. Her laugh is so contagious and I am amazed at the joy she brings to so many lives. Random strangers in public come up to me constantly to talk to her, touch her, and just simply be around her. She is magnificent and by far the best part of 2011. I am proud and humbled to be her Daddy.
I am also beyond thankful for my family---and if you are reading this than it also includes you. As I look back over 2011, I had so many joyous times with most of you and was able to reconnect with family I hadn't seen in awhile (Florida Family, Chicago Family) and make new deep connections as well (Roseville family). We headed out for my friend Ean's 35th Birthday last night and I couldn't help but smile all night looking around at the amazing circle of people that I have around me- people who genuinely care about their friends and want what's best for them. Tonight I rang in the new year with my bestie Shannon and on Monday I get the keys to a new duplex just two cul-de-sac's down from her house and closer to Harper's grandparents, which will be nice and easier for everyone. For the first time I can remember, I can confidently say BRING ON THE RAIN. BRING ON THE CHANGE. I am SO READY FOR YOU. I have a renewed focus and am ready to barrel forward.
One person I want to say I am so thankful for is my big sister Crystal. I don't mention her often, but she has been a beacon of light for me through the journey of 2011, all while battling her own journey through fighting stage 4 ovarian cancer, a divorce, and raising two small children. Her determination to look every day in the eyes, fight full head on, and quit trying to make everyone else comfortable and put herself in the driver's seat has given me the ammunition to try and emulate the same for my life. I know it is normal to look up to your older siblings, but Crystal gives that new meaning for me. I want to be like her when I grow up.
And another person I am so thankful for is Kim O'Brien-my mother in law- who has fought tooth and nail to keep control of the shaky ground that seemed to be under me and those that I love this year and somehow found a way every time to stabilize us all and keep us moving forward. If you are reading this, you are gifted so much more than you know and I am thankful for you every single day. Thank you for not giving up on me.
If you haven't done so, give each person you love an extra squeeze today when you see them. Pick up the phone and tell a friend or family member you haven't talked to that you love and miss them, and if you are holding onto any grudges, pain, resentment, hurt, or sadness my prayer for you is to start getting over it today and just move forward. Life is too short. It's 1/1/2012 for goodness sake and time is flying.
May God bless each of you. I love you very much. Happy 2012. -AJ
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Florida Memories
Harper and I just returned from a week long vacation to Southwest Florida to visit family. It was Harper's first time on an airplane and she did amazingly well on all four flights, no melt downs or freak outs whatsoever. She did actually poop on every single flight, I don't know if has to do with the pressure, but by the third flight, I was just cracking up.
Harper got to finally meet her Aunt Katie and cousin Sienna (who is nine months older than her). It was extremely important to me that Katie and Harper got some bonding time and we also did a cute photo shoot with both girls together on the beach in Santa hat's and diapers.
We had a great week visiting with family and trying to relax. I think I was able to relax as much as possible with a seven month old baby, but it was awesome for Harper to meet her Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, and Great Grandpa. I got to spend some time with Cathy and Marnie, my Aunt Leah's Mom and Wife, which was so important to me. Leah Fields has been the best friend to my Aunt Meghan since I can remember, and for many years her and I have shared a really special connection. I am not really sure why, but being around her softens my spirit and she is so full of love. I was glad to have the opportunity to stay with and get to know Marnie and Cathy better at Leah's house. Her son Hollis is 1, so the house was fully baby proof and accessible for Harper and I.
I got to also celebrate my Aunt Meghan's 30th birthday weekend with her and her family. Aunt Meg is Mom's youngest sister and she is also one of the most thoughtful people I know. My daughter was obsessed with Meghan's daughter Meah, who has the magic baby touch of her Mom and Harper cracking up all week. We had a really nice dinner at a Japanese Steakhouse with all of the friends and family there on the night I arrived. My sister is going through a rough patch, and it was nice to see that the family is really supportive of her and that she has them to lean on.
My Grandpa Mulvenna is one of my favorite people on Earth. Grandpa always finds a way to make me roar with laughter and almost tear up because he cares about his family so much. His eyes have always been honest and he actually listens to you. For him to meet Harper was extremely important to me, as I don't have any memories whatsoever with my Great Grandparents and since I don't have a Dad or Great Grandparents for her on my Dad's side, it's important for her to know my Mom's parents. Now Harper has met and engaged with both sets of her maternal Great Grandparent's, and Grandpa Mulvenna. She will get to meet her Great Gramma and Grampa Decker this upcoming summer. I want to do a photo collage for her with each Great Grandparent once she does.
Perhaps the best part of the week was seeing Harper engage with other children. She hasn't really been around other kids that much here, and she LOVED being around the kids and having them play with her. I was a bit nervous, because anytime a kid cries at the pediatricians office or somewhere in public, Harper would start crying too. But around her cousins, she was OK and just moved on to the kid that wasn't crying and continued playing. I hope she is able to get into some kind of play school or something like that in a year or so, that way she has a day or two a week to interact with more kids her age.
Today, I've got a laundry list of things to do before going back to work tomorrow. I have to finish this stupid driving school from a ticket I got a few months back, get groceries, start looking into new places for us to move, and move down the notches on Harper's crib to the next setting. My beautiful girl is growing so fast. Last night Brinn called me into the bedroom, and there she stood pulled up on her arms trying to stand up inside of her crib. She is also full blown crawling and moving around a rapid speed. She is very active. My Florida family was surprised at how little she sleeps during the day. All of the little cousins nap for 1-2+ hours at a time, whereas Harper only naps twice or three times a day for 20-30 minutes. She has never really been a big day sleeper at all. She is also starting to find her voice, screaming and making cute repetitive noises. It's hard to even fathom how fast she is growing, just the differences between 6 and 7 months are astounding! And I know it only get's faster from here.
Harper got to finally meet her Aunt Katie and cousin Sienna (who is nine months older than her). It was extremely important to me that Katie and Harper got some bonding time and we also did a cute photo shoot with both girls together on the beach in Santa hat's and diapers.
We had a great week visiting with family and trying to relax. I think I was able to relax as much as possible with a seven month old baby, but it was awesome for Harper to meet her Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, and Great Grandpa. I got to spend some time with Cathy and Marnie, my Aunt Leah's Mom and Wife, which was so important to me. Leah Fields has been the best friend to my Aunt Meghan since I can remember, and for many years her and I have shared a really special connection. I am not really sure why, but being around her softens my spirit and she is so full of love. I was glad to have the opportunity to stay with and get to know Marnie and Cathy better at Leah's house. Her son Hollis is 1, so the house was fully baby proof and accessible for Harper and I.
I got to also celebrate my Aunt Meghan's 30th birthday weekend with her and her family. Aunt Meg is Mom's youngest sister and she is also one of the most thoughtful people I know. My daughter was obsessed with Meghan's daughter Meah, who has the magic baby touch of her Mom and Harper cracking up all week. We had a really nice dinner at a Japanese Steakhouse with all of the friends and family there on the night I arrived. My sister is going through a rough patch, and it was nice to see that the family is really supportive of her and that she has them to lean on.
My Grandpa Mulvenna is one of my favorite people on Earth. Grandpa always finds a way to make me roar with laughter and almost tear up because he cares about his family so much. His eyes have always been honest and he actually listens to you. For him to meet Harper was extremely important to me, as I don't have any memories whatsoever with my Great Grandparents and since I don't have a Dad or Great Grandparents for her on my Dad's side, it's important for her to know my Mom's parents. Now Harper has met and engaged with both sets of her maternal Great Grandparent's, and Grandpa Mulvenna. She will get to meet her Great Gramma and Grampa Decker this upcoming summer. I want to do a photo collage for her with each Great Grandparent once she does.
Perhaps the best part of the week was seeing Harper engage with other children. She hasn't really been around other kids that much here, and she LOVED being around the kids and having them play with her. I was a bit nervous, because anytime a kid cries at the pediatricians office or somewhere in public, Harper would start crying too. But around her cousins, she was OK and just moved on to the kid that wasn't crying and continued playing. I hope she is able to get into some kind of play school or something like that in a year or so, that way she has a day or two a week to interact with more kids her age.
Today, I've got a laundry list of things to do before going back to work tomorrow. I have to finish this stupid driving school from a ticket I got a few months back, get groceries, start looking into new places for us to move, and move down the notches on Harper's crib to the next setting. My beautiful girl is growing so fast. Last night Brinn called me into the bedroom, and there she stood pulled up on her arms trying to stand up inside of her crib. She is also full blown crawling and moving around a rapid speed. She is very active. My Florida family was surprised at how little she sleeps during the day. All of the little cousins nap for 1-2+ hours at a time, whereas Harper only naps twice or three times a day for 20-30 minutes. She has never really been a big day sleeper at all. She is also starting to find her voice, screaming and making cute repetitive noises. It's hard to even fathom how fast she is growing, just the differences between 6 and 7 months are astounding! And I know it only get's faster from here.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Changes
I've got a mad case of the Monday's.
I just returned home from such an amazing weekend in Las Vegas with my best pals from Chicago. Vegas is so much fun, and it was great to cut lose, gamble, drink, and party it up the entire weekend. One of the highlights was seeing The Lion King in it's final year on the Strip. It was incredible! Oh and The Amazing Race Slot Machine, and The Ghost Busters Slot Machine, and the Craps tables, and the Dance Clubs, and Mimosa's for breakfast, and beers for lunch, and Vodka for dinner...it was a wild time.
Being away from my baby for almost a week was really hard. I don't ever want to be away from her for that long again. She is growing so fast right now and missing a week at this age is just way too much. It felt so good just to snuggle with her and whisper to her cute self how much I love her tonight. I know everyone says that you can't describe a love you have for your child until you become a parent, but it's so true.
Harper is five months old today! She loves her solid foods (she even had some peas tonight!), is nearly crawling (pulling herself up onto her forearms), and loves sticking her tongue out. She is still sleeping through the night, which is absolutely amazing! After working in a baby store and seeing some parent's who literally look like they got run over by a bulldozer, I thank God every single day for my little angel. She lights up every day, her laugh is infectious, and she brings more joy to my life than I've ever known.
Wow, have things changed in five short months. Today I had to make a painstaking decision that I've been avoiding for most of the summer. After my marriage fell apart, I escaped to Chicago for the winter, and came back in time for Harper's birth. I started making repayments on my house as I continued to work with the bank on the payments I missed. I found out about 6 weeks ago that the bank did not want to work with me, but continued to pay on time in hopes that we would work out something. Today, after doing a lot of research and consulting with some experts, I have decided to let this house go. Trying to get current will destroy my credit even worse than just simply walking away from the house, and continuing to pay is getting me absolutely nowhere. I've been really tormented by this decision, as I loved this house from the moment I saw it. On the flip side, it's an older home that needs a lot of work and it holds so many memories for me of my past. While I will be so sad to see this home go, I look forward to a fresh start in a fresh home that is not tied to my ex-wife or ex-life. And renting for a few years will give me the ability to save up some money, rebuild my credit, and hopefully move on to more happiness before Harper is ever old enough to even know that her Dad was so reckless and irrational during this stage of her life when it came to finances. So October marks my farewell to my marriage (our divorce will be final in the next few weeks) and my beautiful home, but 2012 will be a much needed fresh start and I am very excited for that.
I just returned home from such an amazing weekend in Las Vegas with my best pals from Chicago. Vegas is so much fun, and it was great to cut lose, gamble, drink, and party it up the entire weekend. One of the highlights was seeing The Lion King in it's final year on the Strip. It was incredible! Oh and The Amazing Race Slot Machine, and The Ghost Busters Slot Machine, and the Craps tables, and the Dance Clubs, and Mimosa's for breakfast, and beers for lunch, and Vodka for dinner...it was a wild time.
Being away from my baby for almost a week was really hard. I don't ever want to be away from her for that long again. She is growing so fast right now and missing a week at this age is just way too much. It felt so good just to snuggle with her and whisper to her cute self how much I love her tonight. I know everyone says that you can't describe a love you have for your child until you become a parent, but it's so true.
Harper is five months old today! She loves her solid foods (she even had some peas tonight!), is nearly crawling (pulling herself up onto her forearms), and loves sticking her tongue out. She is still sleeping through the night, which is absolutely amazing! After working in a baby store and seeing some parent's who literally look like they got run over by a bulldozer, I thank God every single day for my little angel. She lights up every day, her laugh is infectious, and she brings more joy to my life than I've ever known.
Wow, have things changed in five short months. Today I had to make a painstaking decision that I've been avoiding for most of the summer. After my marriage fell apart, I escaped to Chicago for the winter, and came back in time for Harper's birth. I started making repayments on my house as I continued to work with the bank on the payments I missed. I found out about 6 weeks ago that the bank did not want to work with me, but continued to pay on time in hopes that we would work out something. Today, after doing a lot of research and consulting with some experts, I have decided to let this house go. Trying to get current will destroy my credit even worse than just simply walking away from the house, and continuing to pay is getting me absolutely nowhere. I've been really tormented by this decision, as I loved this house from the moment I saw it. On the flip side, it's an older home that needs a lot of work and it holds so many memories for me of my past. While I will be so sad to see this home go, I look forward to a fresh start in a fresh home that is not tied to my ex-wife or ex-life. And renting for a few years will give me the ability to save up some money, rebuild my credit, and hopefully move on to more happiness before Harper is ever old enough to even know that her Dad was so reckless and irrational during this stage of her life when it came to finances. So October marks my farewell to my marriage (our divorce will be final in the next few weeks) and my beautiful home, but 2012 will be a much needed fresh start and I am very excited for that.
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