Winding down 2024 thoughts...

I'm writing less and less these days, which I am kind of OK with. If I had to wrap this year up in a headline, I'd say: "quiet little year, big huge internal transformations." We settled into our new home and have tried to keep adding little things to make it feel like ours. I spent a lot of time in my yard, garden, and outdoor areas. Sabin focused a lot of his attention on the indoors and together I am really proud of what we are creating in the loud house in LA. Watching plants grow, tending to them and learning their unique ways and preferences, reminded me of some of my own private preferences and ways of being. Much of my adult life has felt bold, loud, and a bit untethered. And as I sink into my forties, I am craving quiet, peace, and contentment. There is something magical about having your hands in the dirt all day, and watching an unattended and overgrown property spring back to life right in front of your eyes. In my work, big transformations are still underway. I opened my very first corporation and converted my solo practice into a growing group therapy practice, bringing on two amazing psychotherapists. I am about 20% through completing my dissertation, and hope by the end of 2025 to be AJ Rich, PsyD (Doctor of Psychology). I get to do work that uses my full brain and body to help people, and while it can be draining and demanding, I can honestly say I've never ever felt so professionally rewarded in my whole life. Harper continues to morph and grow into a strong-willed, passionate, and independent young woman right before our eyes. She's halfway through her last year of Junior High School and the weight of five more Christmas Breaks, spring breaks, and years of childhood is a constant reminder to seize every moment and love on the people you love the most. Right now, she's focused on selecting her high school after seeing many of the options and wants to pursue cheerleading and a pre-law track with hopes of being a prosecutor someday. She's had her mind made up on that for many years now so we'll see how that shifts or moves in the coming years. As has always been the case, this girl hangs the moon and the stars in my orbit. I still can't believe I got so lucky to be one of her daddies. If Harper is the moon and the stars, then Sabin is gravity. The force that keeps us all grounded and connected. He has been in a position to emotionally anchor me in a giant storm more times than I would like to count in our twelve years together. This year was no exception. In May, I had a really emotional health scare that I was certain was the family curse of cancer coming to steal my life. I was quiet about it, in part because if I let myself dance with the internal rumblings, I thought everything I wanted in life would come crashing down around me. In the end, I found a really competent doctor who was able to do an operation, verify that this was not cancer, and put me back on the rails to prioritizing my health and (hopefully) be around to watch my grandchildren grow up someday. Its been a sobering reminder of the brain-body connection and how we must all take care of both if we want true wellness in our lives. June brought the trip of a lifetime with my best friend Kellie, Sabin, and I visiting Greece! It's one of those experiences that I haven't said much about publicly, mostly because I want to keep all of the stardust contained to my memory to sustain me when things get tough or challenging. But I can confidently say that the entire experience still feels like one of those dreams you have after watching a visually stunning movie (i.e. Wicked, Crazy Rich Asians, Wizard of Oz) where for many nights after you keep waking from some magical land and all you want is to get back to sleep and back to that place. I am aware of how fortunate I am to travel and see the world. Everytime I return from somewhere I've never been, it adds to my understanding of the vastness and complexities of life. 8 billion beating hearts. 8 B-illion! Wow. I've grown fond of Anderson Cooper's podcast "All There Is" on grief. In it, Anderson speaks weekly with a celebrity or known-person about how grief has impacted them. Over the three seasons, Anderson has shared openly about how the podcast is helping him "unthaw" himself after losing his father as a young boy, his brother to suicide, and then his beloved mother a few years ago. I can't think of any better analogy than that for me too: a thawing out. Through a lot of therapy these past few years, I've been able to unpack a lot of trauma and understand the fourteen year old me way better: why he pivoted so extremely after his father's death. Why the 'man of the house' trope stuck on so tightly for so many years. Why losing them and watching them leave the earth was a forced 'letting go.' It's hard to view yourself as the forever-savior when most of the people you thought you were charged with saving are gone. And the new inner circle does not want or need to be saved by you at all. When people ask about my strong connection with Kellie. With Harper. With Sabin. Why these people? Why do they bring up calm where there was rocky waters before? Simply put, they all want to know the real me and ask deep and complex questions. They tell me to sit down and relax when my people pleasing tendencies kick into high gear. They remind me that my presence is what they seek, not what I can do or offer to them. It's a gift. But it's also strange to have to rearrange your whole insides once you've begun finding peace and serenity. And you often can't take the drama of what was before with you into the tranquility that is ahead of you. No more jumping back in. No more saving others. Just saving myself and doing the best that I can. Focus on reciprocity. Say no as often as you say yes. And that's enough. That's enough.

Our Year End Christmas Card Family Update Letter

2023 was full of high highs and low lows. As we headed into the new year, Sabin had just began working at the corporate offices of the iconic brand, Playboy and was continuing his acting career in film and television. Harper was halfway through 6th grade and beginning to really desire some growth and change and a chance to attend a more typical school with lockers and shifting classes. And AJ was in month seven of owning and operating his own psychotherapy private practice after completing his licensure to become a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist (LMFT) after his four-year training concluded and was about halfway through completing his doctoral degree in Psychology. We welcomed in the new year to a torrential downpour, as we got soaked but had a blast with friends and family competing in beer pong and flip cup competitions! We all wore pajamas and danced in the rain together. It was a really special memory. February brought with a few lovely visits with family: one at home with family visiting from Clarksville, TN and later meeting Michigan family in Joshua Tree for the weekend. In March, AJ & Sabin traveled to Las Vegas for Sabin’s birthday and he was gifted and surprised tickets to see Adele! Plus, we got to hang with AJ’s college roommate and his husband and had a great weekend together. AJ went back to Las Vegas just two weekends later for a getaway with his bestie, Kellie and had another fantastic visit, but came home with his first bout of Rona  Don’t believe the hype that O- blood type makes you immune.  Sabin and Harper were able to avoid COVID back in March, but each got it later in the spring. Everyone fared well in spite of avoiding it for three years. In March, Harper had toured several schools and found one that offered her early admission to begin right after spring break, rather than waiting until the next school year. She jumped at the chance and began at her new school. She is loving the transition a more “grown-up” junior high school. We’ve overall been mostly pleased with the school experience. She is wicked smart with all honor’s classes, loves to read, is obsessed with anything and everything related to her icon, Taylor Swift Kelce (She’ll kill me for adding the Kelce part). She’s been able to hold onto a few core friendships from her former school and we are often caught feeling inspired by watching Harper interact. She is open, curious, sensitive, and a deeply empathetic kid. She has had a wild growth spurt in the past few months, including physically, emotionally, and socially. We want to slow down time, but it seems to keep on racing. In May, AJ moved from a shared-office space into his own solo office! It was an exciting transition. He also took advanced training in some trauma therapy modalities and began working on clinical staff at a community mental health clinic in addition to his work in his expanding private practice. Harper turned twelve and had a roller skating and sleepover party with T Swift inspired cupcakes and favors. In June, we traveled for our niece’s high school graduation up to Idaho and met up with AJ’s sister Katie and her daughter there as well. It is always so lovely to be together with all the girls that are cousins on their Fernandez side. More on them in a bit. In an unfortunate moment, we also witnessed a tragedy and near drowning at the hotel pool while we were there by another child who was swimming with the girls at the pool. Thankfully after several minutes, the child was able to be resuscitated and was alert while being transported to the hospital, but it was also excruciating both to independently witness but also watch your children witness at the same time. To say the least, we were all a little shell shocked, so it was a lovely relief when the same niece who we had been celebrating came to Los Angeles a few weeks later and we got to truly be together for some quality time. June was also Father’s Day weekend, which we spent at home with a surprise for Sabin that we were finally able to obtain some legal documents to confirm what we always knew to be true in our hearts- that he is forever and always a parent to Harper Fernandez. In early August, we traveled to Maui with many friends and family members to celebrate AJ’s 40th Birthday. As most of you know, we were unfortunately in the area that was most heavily impacted by the deadliest wildfires ever experienced on the island. We aren’t going to downplay anything. It was the most frightening experience of our lives. We are lucky to be alive. We are thankful for good health and quick reflexes. We are bonded with those who went through this experience with us and share in what we all experienced. It was a bummer and it totally sucked. Another August bummer is that this one commemorated 10 years since AJ’s sister Crystal passed away. She deserves mention here because she was that important to us. And her girls- Rilynn and Mekaty. We love those two kids (now 21 years old and almost 19 years old women, but always kids to us) so much that it hurts and are so grateful to be and stay connected with them. And Crystal would be incredibly proud of how amazing they both are. The end. The last August bummer that must be shared to continue the trifecta here is that ten days after getting off the island of Maui, in the middle of the night as a hurricane was expected to make landfall in Los Angeles, our unhinged neighbor lit her home on fire and we were awoken again to a blazing fire within a few hundred feet of us. We’re all still honestly processing all of this. We continue to find gratitude and knowingness of how much worse any of this could’ve been. At the same time, we don’t want to pretend it didn’t happen either. It did. It changed us. We are working on it. In September, we began perusing homes in the market and quickly learned it would be very unlikely (more like impossible) that we would be able to buy in this wild housing market. We basically gave up on the idea but continued looking and viewing open houses. In mid-October, OUR house came on the market. AJ saw it within 16 minutes of the listing, sent a link to Sabin who immediately responded with “mine,” and we were doing a walk through the next day. The offer, escrow, closing, and moving process were all super intense but we are so elated. The fact that we get to stay in the same area close to our family and friends, in a neighborhood we love, and in the city of Angels still feels like a dream that we need waking from. We can’t wait to share it someday soon (including January 6th from 6-10pm if you are in/around LA on that day- RSVP to AJ or Sabin now if you’re coming and feel free to bring your peeps, kids, etc). There’s still stuff, as there always seems to be. We are all focused on family members who are experiencing illness and suffering and can use a lot of prayers, positive regards, and positive thoughts right now as they focus on recovery. We just celebrated the three year anniversary of AJ’s Mom Maureen’s passing and still miss her every moment of every day. In some ways we are writing this for her. Because if she were here, she’d be saying that we need to share the news with everyone else. May we all use her spirit this holiday season. Again, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and Happy New Year!

Maui

Going to try my best to recap this so I have it for the future. Trigger warning, lots of dramatic stuff below... Saturday, August 5th marked the ten year anniversary of my sister Crystal's passing along with the thirteenth birthday of my niece, Sienna. We've been planning my big birthday trip to Maui since October of last year, and my family along with 4 others (it ended up being 7 others but more on that later) including some of my closest and longterm friends, Carey and Maria (pronounced Mariah Carey for reference) and my best friend Kellie and her mom, Dee set out for a week in paradise. Carey and Maria were flying from NC and MO and arrived on Friday night and stayed in old town Lahaina at the Pioneer Inn before checking into our resort with the rest of the group on Saturday morning. We landed in Maui on very little sleep, but so much excitement and joy. We stopped at Wal Mart and got a bunch of snacks, water, and other items to keep in the room throughout the week. We got settled into our resort on Kaanapali Beach, perhaps the most beautiful beach I'd ever seen with my two eyes (and I've seen a lot of beautiful beaches throughout the world) and basked in the beauty and serenity we had all been wishing for for many months. We stopped for Lei's to give to each person as they arrived and hugged eachother tight and went right to the pool/beach to begin our vacation together.

Sunday morning, my family left the resort and went back into Lahaina, four miles from our resort, to eat at the Pioneer Inn and had the most incredible breakfast. Carey and Maria had raved about how cute the town was, the historical Banyan tree with sixteen trunks, and some of their spots they had seen the night prior while staying "in town." We began learning about the history of this place, with surfers in the water, cute shops, killer coffee, and the best cornflake encrusted french toast I'd ever eaten. Pioneer Inn had been built in the early 1900's to house military staff coming to the islands, and Lahaina itself was the royal capitol of the Kingdom of Hawaii. When you picture Hawaii, it's likely that if you see buildings or things on land, you're actually thinking almost exactly of what Lahaina looked like. We also stopped by some shops and then returned back to the resort when a knock came on the door for "housekeeping." I opened it thinking it was a member of the hotel staff only to see our friends Ann, JP, and Olivia standing at the door! I'd just dropped my dogs off to them on Friday evening and was so confused because I thought they couldn't come and to see them in paradise was such a touching moment. We all cried, looked out at the beautiful beach, and booked it down there to join the rest of our group for a pool/beach day all together as a group of ten.

On Monday morning we were up bright and early for a trip on the Road to Hana. It was the must-do excursion we had heard about from everyone. Our guide Chase, who was born and raised in Maui and went to Lahaina High School (the countries oldest high school), picked us up at 6 am and off to our twelve hour trip to Hana began. It is a very treacherous road, but had some of the most incredible sites I'd ever seen. Honestly, it looked like Jurassic Park (and much of those films were actually shot in Maui) and we enjoyed black sand beaches, lava tubes, rainbow trees, and Chase speaking via microphone giving us the entire history of the Hawaiian islands, how important Lahaina was to the people of Hawaii, and he displayed so much pride and knowledge in this magical place. Harper, Sabin, and I (along with my friend Carey who was on her own Road to Hana drive with Maria) all jumped from waterfalls and felt so connected and relaxed. We returned to the resort early, had a quick meal, and went straight to bed.

Here's where things change. We awoke Tuesday morning to no power. It wasn't a huge deal and we were all kind of oblivious. We were on vacation so we hadn't been checking the news, but there wasn't even a whisper from anyone along our journey that would have given us any indication that this wasn't just a typical Hawaiian vacation (no emails with warnings about the winds, no instructions on what to do in the case of too high of winds, fires, etc). Everywhere we had been up to this point was packed with tourists as this is the final week of summer vacation for a ton of schools on the mainland. In an attempt to find some coffee and get some outside information, Ann and I took off to head into town and see what the power situation. We thought we'd drive into Lahaina and see if they had power and if so, make a big breakfast reservation back at Pioneer Inn since everyone who hadn't already MUST have that incredible food and see the cute downtown area. As soon as we got on the road we realized something was off. When we drove by the Safeway, it was packed with people and had no power. People were buying out everything so we bought little coffees and snacks (in a dark grocery store with a bunch of locals who all looked panicked). All the essentials were already sold out- water, etc and the frozen foods sections was locked to not allow people to open the door or buy things inside. We also recognized we no longer had much connection to the outside world, with no cell service and a bit of uncertainty of what we should do so we just shopped as quickly and calmly as possible (it was really beautiful to see the Aloha spirit here; even though there was a sense of urgency in the air, everyone was still courteous, kind, patient, waited in line, etc). When we returned from the store, our group decided to all just make this day a beach/pool day. It was a bit windy but otherwise another gorgeous day in paradise. We had the food we'd packed so we just made sandwiches and honestly were all expecting power to return by the next morning and kind of found the "glamping in the dark" thing kind of endearing. Around dinner time as the sun went down, we began seeing a smoke ploom in the air towards Lahaina. We checked in with the staff who told us that there were seven wildfires happening around the islands and the winds were high as Hurricane Dora passed the islands from the south, but that they were at least fifteen miles from us and that we should just stick to the resort and wait to hear anything (keeping in mind that they'd have to come tell us directly as now everyone no longer had much charge on our phones, needed them for flashlights in the dark, and still had no outside communication or service). The smell of smoke began to increase and the smoke plumes were scary, but still seemed far away from us. We did pack up our room and moved to a lower level, as the high winds and smokey air made us worried up in our beachfront penthouse (plus we had to climb six sets of steep stairs every time we had to go to the room for anything as the elevators were obviously also out) and we decided to just leave them packed just in case. At around 1 am (again this is a guess since we had no cell reception) we got a knock on our door to grab our essential items and "go north." I quickly ran around our resort and woke up everyone from my group. Everyone was really freaked out and uncertain of what to do, but recognized the danger and just loaded up, turned out of the resort to the direction away from Lahaina and followed cars about twenty miles or so up into upper country where they were stopped on the highway by a transportation department vehicle. The official seated on a lawn chair blocking the road explained to us that we were out of immediate danger but that they were stopping us here as the road ahead was way too treacherous for non-locals to attempt on their own, especially in the dark. We rolled down the windows and tried to rest our eyes on the roadside for about an hour. Then someone came and opened that road (the same one we had heard from Chase on the Road to Hana that he would never attempt as too many cars have already driven straight off a cliff as there are no guard rails and many twists and turns for at least an hour and a half until we reached civilazion again). There was no stopping at all, and it was super scary to decide right there if we should attempt it or not. We also were missing two from our group and couldn't imagine leaving them so we turned back and someone guided us to the local shelter nearby at Maui Prep High School. Busses of people were being brought in covered in ash, people were screaming and crying, it was truly apocolyptic. We were also reliant on locals who understandably were worried about their homes, families, and friends rather than catering to scared tourists stopping them every few steps to ask for "help or guidance." So we just slept in our cars and waited. When the sun began to rise, we were able to find a small sliver of space at the shelter and got a call from Maria that they had been nearby but did not come into the shelter and had returned to our resort which was not gone due to the fires. We all quickly went back to the resort, hoping for some answers or news when we arrived. We all hugged and were a bit shell shocked, but so grateful to have all been reunited and not been directly harmed. Once back at the resort, there weren't many staff members and some guests never even evacuated. People were trying to go to the pool and the skies were cleared. We began getting pings and messages from worried family members and tried to decide what to do. At this point, I honestly thought the fires were under control, there hadn't been much damage, power would be restored shortly, and just got into my swim suit and went to the beach with our group. Ann and Sabin found a back service entrance and were able to get us some bags of ice to keep the fridges cooler and a food truck with Thai food opened briefly nearby giving us all one large home cooked meal to tide over our hunger for awhile. We had a big dinner reservation planned for my birthday where we'd all wear white. Some of us still showered in the cold/dark and wore them and JP took a bunch of photos of us as we watched the sunset from our beach and ate the last of our sandwiches for dinner and drank the remaining food, water, and booze we'd bought at the store. Sirens were going off frequently and it was a weird day, but we were just trying to remain calm and regulate. I took a nap, everyone went to bed early, and we were still hoping to wake with power and information the next morning. Half of our group had flights home on Thursday so they woke early and said goodbye and headed towards the airport. We got news just before bed that they would not have to attempt that scary road and would be able to get out, but that once you left there was no getting back, and that most of the other parts of the island were already booked up with relocated tourists. The others who remained decided that we should relocate as power didn't seem possible anytime soon, staff members were clearly exhausted and grieving (our front desk clerk had to stay because he had no home to return to and his son was killed in the fires).

One mile after turning right back towards Lahaina we saw something I never knew existed. The entire town had been decimated. The fires were right near us afterall. It was insane. I don't think my brain will every let me forget what I saw so close to my closest people who traveled thousands of miles for my birthday. It was a lot. That beautiful village of Lahaina was gone. The Pioneer Inn. All the cute shops. The boats and the harbor itself. Gone.

About fifteen miles after Lahaina we began to gain reception again and could communicate with our group (cars having USB chargers was a life saver for us) and all of them were unable to fly that day as the airport was a madhouse. Carey and Maria did not want to leave the airport and come rejoin us out of fear of having to clear security again and hopes of joining any outbound flights to the mainland on standby. Ann, JP, and Olivia came to join the rest of us in Kihei, another part of the island where they had power, services running, and were able to secure a few rooms with the help of a local with a couple condos on the beach for the night. Kellie's company, Party City, also booked us a reservation and took care of our last minute changes (thank you Party City!). We tried to make the most of it. All of our nervous systems were shot. We were trying to keep it together for the kids and ourselves, realizing if any of us broke the whole crew might go down afterwards. We were able to hear from others how their evacuations went. Those who braved that scary road said it was the most frightening experience of their lives and they had to leave behind all of their luggage and make the remainder of their trips work with whatever they quickly could grab. Others went back to the resort and stayed without power there until the end of their trips, making it work with donations from the shelters and the food they had in their rooms. On the very last night, more evacuations at our resort area happened as little wild fires kept flaring up throughout that area. I'm sitting here on my front porch back at home with all of my people safely tucked into their beds. It feels nice, but I also recognize the trauma that has bonded us all, what we've witnessed and seen, and how quickly life and things can change. And what we've endured is nothing compared to the beautiful locals of Maui, who treated us with dignity and respect even in their darkest moments.

Drama Free in 2023

At the start of my year, my college friends all began texting me. Back story: when I was in college wayyyyy back in 2003, we threw a large new years party and the slogan was "Drama Free in 2003!" When 2013 rolled around,the rhyming didn't work but as for 2023.....you get the jist. Lots and lots of "Drama Free in 2023!" messages came along as we transitioned into this new year. What a farce. This year has felt really...heavy. I don't know how better to describe it. Harper was really struggling with the transition to middle school and in desperate need of a change after spending almost seven years at the same spot. Our beloved friends divorced. Fertility issues have stuck our inner circle repeatedly. After three years of caution and avoidance, COVID-19 finally caught me and (at least for me) was no where near a common cold...I am still struggling to get a full inhale months later. My husband's long time entertainment manager died unexpectedly only for him to find out his first love and long time partner died unexpectedly a few weeks later. The company I poured my heart and soul into for many years has shuttered and is closing its doors forever. It feels weird to grieve, but if you knew me at all during all those years, you know how much of myself went to that job and that company and it's really sad to see them wash away completely. Ten years marked without my best friend and big sister, Crystal. Her forty second birthday was this past week. Really struggling to avoid politics when I feel like my LGBTQ siblings are enduring one of the most viscious attacks I've ever witnessed by many people who would like to see us all erased. And perhaps why after more than a year and half of not writing anything, I am here on Mother's Day.....the gaping hole in the center of who I am just wont close. It gets smaller sometimes, and that feels better. But I am forever changed and struggling to understand this new self and get reacquainted to him. Missing my mom is just the very tip of it. Yes, I miss her. But what really hurts is that I need her. I need her to listen and tell me that everything will be okay, without judgement and with endless support of me, flaws and strengths and all. And the fact that I need something that I cannot have hurts more than the grief. When you know you're hungry and that you'll never eat again, you just...somehow forget you're hungry? There are plenty of bright spots too. I have a thriving practice doing a job I never imagined loving so much. And a part time job added to that where I get to work alongside many other talented therapists and finding the beauty of clinical connection again. A new solo office that I got to hand pick, decorate, and curate, with my credentials on the wall. Officially trained in a trauma treatment called EMDR that has transformed my personal life and given me tools to help my most vulnerable clients. Inching super close to the final dissertation part of my doctorate. Lots of quality time with friends new and old and a big trip to celebrate my 40th birthday in Maui is just twelve weeks away! Good health and still lots of laughter for me and my family. But, the math aint mathing so far. Instead of drama free in 20-23, it's feeling like drama o'plenty in 20-23. And today I just want to be sad. I want to let those hunger pains know that I see them, and feel them constantly and that I don't think we're finding any food to eat. It's been kind of desolate and bleak out here inner AJ. Maybe that is it? Just feel it fully and try not to push it down or away?

August Gloom

My heart has been so heavy the past few weeks. Typically I can "talk my self out of feeling this way" but this time, not so much. I should preface that August is always the toughest month of the year for me. It holds the anniversary of both my Dad and sister's passing which brings up so many triggers. I normally just like to pretend like the first three weeks of August don't happen; disassociate and come back to myself after August 22nd just in time to celebrate my birthday. This year I am FEELING everything. It almost seems like my defensive armor is lost or something. There are some bright spots---I got to see two souls I adore wed one another and dance at their wedding under the stars while the waves crashed into the shore behind us. My body aches still for moving in ways it hasn't in 18 months and to be amongst friends in this type of gathering sharing community, support, and love was fuel to keep me going. My bright, brilliant girl got to return to school full time and I get to witness a completely reawakened child whose zest for learning and peer connection returned within a matter of days. I got to meet my dear cousins new baby and hold her and rock her and sing to and giggle with her. It is a reminder that life goes on and what's at stake is for that next generation. My work is fulfilling in ways I had never known or experienced before and I have a roof over but my head, food in the fridge, and lots of love and support. But I also witnessed a country overthrown by terrorism and humans--- peoples brothers, sons, fathers, and friends---cling to an airplane as it departed only to fall to their death live on camera because the fear of remaining there was too bleak and scary. And those were only the men, which indicates to me that the women and girls are in an even worse position. I don't know about y'all, but much like the memory permanently tattooed in my brain of those people jumping from the twin towers twenty years ago, I am almost certain I'll never be able to unsee it. We are so deeply divided and a global pandemic rages on with mutant variants determined to take us all down, but our own philosophical or personal beliefs interject to banish the very things that could save us all and cause further divisiveness. Another domestic white terrorist stood in front of our nations capitol for hours yesterday threatening to blow it up with bombs he had strapped to himself. It barely made a blip on the news and we've all seemed to forget that home-grown terrorists stormed our capitol THIS year, causing anarchy while some people stood at home and cheered them on. Everyone is tired. Everyone is beat down. And each day seems to bring something new and more damning than the day before it. Due to all of this, so much of the grief process feels stolen and taken from me. My Mom has been gone over eight months. She died amidst the second (or was it third? Maybe fourth?) wave of COVID-19. Her hospice was on lockdown and we had to rotate in and out following changing rules by the hour based on positive case rates and other factors. We were the LUCKY ones too; so many people have had to say goodbye to their people over video or worse yet, no chance to say goodbye. Virtual funerals are better than no funerals I suppose, but it's just not the same. The next moment, people had to return to their chaotic lives and keep "figuring it all out" while those who loved her the most are just left reeling. It's all so...unfinished. A friend and colleague said to me, "life just is different when the person who brought you into the world is no longer in it anymore." I'm an orphan whose seen the dead body of both parents and a sister as they leave this earth before my fourtieth birthday. It sucks and it feels unfair. It is unfair. I know I'll be able to pull myself up from my bootstraps and keep it moving. In a few hours, I'll login and give my all to my work and then submit some stuff for my doctoral program and probably giggle with my husband at a funny line Kathy Hilton says on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills or text my daughter about who the new Head of Household might be on Big Brother. But right now, I just want to throw a bit of a fit. Kick and scream, shout and cry. The end.

Heavenly Covens

How does one feel in the world when the nucleus is gone? Or in my case the multiple, being nuclei? Where are they, my beloveds? Are they together? If not, do they convene when visiting or thinking of me? I like to think of it like a circle, a heavenly coven almost, or not quite, I am not really sure exactly. But doesn't that sound nice? My sister, the one who knew the real me fixing herself a nice cup of tea, just a tad sweet but strong nodes of chai or camomile. Once to the perfect temperature (is there temperature there or is it always a perfect 78 degrees outside) heads out of her floating cabin, hovers ever so gently over to Dad's hut as to not disrupt or spill or tea. Dad's place is much more masculine but equally as beautiful as sisters with strange and colorful artwork that inspires him because he couldn't see all color here on earth. They lock hands, sisters other still grasping the mug as they float over to Moms place. She's new in town and still getting her place just right, yet she insists on hosting for the coven visits to me. "I brought him into this world" she says and Dad and sister giggle at her to remind her there is no more THIS WORLD. I picture her place almost like a birds nest, but instead of chirping its Motown hits (only the REALLY good ones) playing ever so gently in the background. She can't decide on decor, sometimes when she starts to think about it she remembers that I am still here and instead of going to heaven's version of West Elm or Restoration Hardware, she instead does what all moms do and checks in to make sure I am OK instead. The decor can wait when baby bird is still so completely broken. Cross legged on the floor and hands clasped they tune into me. My three. In so many ways I want to be there with them. It's so completely messed up that I don't get to participate. I'm not saying I want to die, but I have always had FOMO, and a heavenly yoga-esque circle meetings with my favorites makes me yearn to hear the laughter, pay attention to the soft sips of tea, catch those only-with-these-people side glances and ways that we could make fun of one another, but strike and kill anyone else who even said boo about one of us individually. I am not yet forty and my three are gone. For now. Is it strange that I always do this math? If I live til ninety, I would've only had Dad for 15% of my life, sister for 33%, and mother for 40% of my earthly time. Total bummer. Totally and completely unfair. Grief is such a strange and intense ride. And I've never been a real thrill seeker to be honest. Where else other than on a risky endeavor (think Ninja ride at Six Flags or something similar) do you cry, laugh, scream, fly, fall, shake, be still and slow your breathing, feel your breathing rise and fall in miliseconds, and end with wiping tears away while yelling to the attendant, "again, again?" To me, that's how I feel most days and times. When people lovingly check in with me to see how I am doing (which I am so grateful for) I sometimes just shrug my shoulders because explaining THAT feeling to them as it swirls inside of me is almost impossible. You can't really put words into it while you're on the ride, and some parts of you feel like your insides will literally fall out if you open your mouth or try to speak. Look, I know loss. Very well. It's excruciating and there is absolutely zero way around that. As much as I want someone to take it away, make is subside (even if just for a day or two), when it came down to it, I wouldn't let them. What these three have given and taken from me is only for me and I hold it so tightly that I'd claw and fight anyone who ever attempted to remove or release any of it. It's mine. They were mine.

Mom

Bleh....this is the post I've been dreading writing for weeks although I know it's important to work through, and my process always includes the written word. I lost my Mom on December 5th, 2020 after her battle with cancer. Although I was there in the room with her on the moment she transitioned out of this life, it's still shocking to my system in so many ways to even see these words in some sort of formal declaration. I suppose part of me is just waiting for her to call or walk through the front door after going on a vacation or being away for a few months. Those that knew us know that we were the best of friends, and I believe the word Mama's boy doesn't even touch our bond or the way I felt about her. It wasn't unusual for us to talk on the phone for hours, sometimes twice a day. People would often wonder, what do you two even talk about for so long all of the time? We talked about EVERYTHING. My mother wanted to know me deeply, she was inquisitive about every aspect of my life. Perhaps what I miss most at this very moment is having THAT, a person who cared about how I felt about my work performance, how and what my life and friends and spouse and child were REALLY like from my perspective, what my fears about life entailed, made sure that I said "I love you" when hanging up the phone with my spouse (instead of 'love ya'), and most of all made sure to remind me that I needed to 'stop and smell the roses.' I remember one trip to Los Angeles where Mom and I were driving down a palm-tree-lined street and there was this beautiful overhang on one home's fence of pink and purple flowers enraptured by beautiful ivy and greenery. Mom made me drive around the block and park in front of the house. It was a drive I took often and she said, "How can you drive by this and not stop to absorb it all?" We stayed only for a few minutes, she wanted a photo of the beautiful flowers and moreso I think wanted to remind me to slow down and appreciate the beauty all around me. She wasn't pushy, but she wouldn't accept defeat either. In the way that only a Mom can do, she would push me without being pushy. Mom loved life. She had many "careers" in her short 59 years, many of them centered around art and beauty. She was a hard worker. She'd also want me to write that down here. She was also flawed, and often stubborn. She was deeply emotional. She was all of those things, and somehow found a way to find the silver lining in life. Many might be surprised by this but Mom and I also engaged in frequent heated debates. I think she found surprise in some of my opinions on life, especially those that seemed so far opposite of those she held about important topics. I remember her once saying, "I just don't understand how someone raised by me can have these opinions on what I see as fundamentally opposed to my own." A few weeks later, after what I would call one of our hardest talks about a very sensitive topic, she called to say she had thought a lot about it and knew deep down her role was to support me no matter what, and she also wasn't going to change her mind but that she also knew she wasn't going to change mine either. It was in these moments that I find so much peace right now. Isn't that what parenting and unconditional love really look like? I wish I had the words to tell her that back then because now I am only starting to realize all of the gifts she gave to me regularly and how impactful that was to me. While she could freely debate or push me on just about anything and everything, God help anyone else who ever even slightly tried to come for me. At '5 feet nothing' as she would say often, the lioness was ever protective of her children. Plus I was the perfect son, so what was there for anyone else to complain about? When I came out at 28, Mom went into overdrive. She read, she blogged, and she made sure to always tell me that absolutely nothing was wrong with me and she was so happy I was brave enough to live in my truth. When I met and married my husband, my Mom fell deeply in love with him as well. She couldn't begin to understand how his own parents couldn't fully embrace their son for the beauty that made him, well him. And she made her life's mission to ensure he knew that she was his parent too. It's a running joke, one I think that will never fully pass, that in some ways Mom loved him more than she did me ('flips own hair'- absolutely impossible by the way but we'll go with it for a moment) and I am so thankful Mom got to see me with the person she prayed for all of my life- someone who adored and cherished me and made me a better person. On the day she checked into the hospital for the final time, Mom called and spoke to him on the phone. I listened and wept from the bathroom as she...in the way she could always do...laid it all out there in love and made sure nothing was left unsaid. Mom wasn't scared to die, but she was scared to leave me behind. She knew what a devastating loss this would be to me, and up to the very last minute she held on for me because as she always said, "she'd step in front of a train for me, no matter where, when, or what" and even in her dying moments she fought to spare me anymore pain or suffering. I've been a frequent participant in the grief process. I lost my dad just before my fouteenth birthday to suicide. I lost my older sister in the summer of 2013 just before my thirtieth birthday to cancer. I've known crying until it hurts, and then just keep going until somehow it stops. This time just feels...different. It wasn't completely unexpected, but wasn't expected either. It's somewhere in the middle. We thought the cancer was gone, after many excruciating surgeries, only to find out it had come back fast and with a vengeance. Cancer completely sucks and is excruciating to watch it take the people you love the most, sparing no expense for goodness or kindness. It takes no mercy. I've been showered in so much love since Mom passed and I am so appreciative of everything and everyone. I've studied grief for a few years, and yet all of the studying and research, all of the outpouring of support, all of the great memories, and all of the previous grief experiences offer very little compensation for the giant sized hole left inside of me. Some days, I can barely get my body to cooperate and get me out of my bed in the morning. Other days, I am up and ready to take on the world by 8 am. I can be doing something one moment and a memory hits me so hard that I literally have to sit down right where I am at and breathe it out for a moment, kind of like getting the wind knocked out of you. Weekend mornings seem to be some of the toughest, as these were part of our ritual, to eat breakfast and FaceTime with Mom while Harper and her chatted and shared laughs in the background at whatever funny filters they could use that week. I would be cooking breakfast and inserting myself into the conversation to ask questions about what ingredients or foods I might need to buy that week to make one of her recipes or what show she had told me about yesterday that we needed to watch. Sabin would wake, and come in to say hello and they'd have their few minutes of video connection. We got a new sofa yesterday (very much needed) and as I sit on it typing this out I am also so saddened that Mom isn't seeing it right now. She had a strong connection to place and space, and would often want tours around the house or for me to send her photos of the background-like my office space setup or how the yard looked when the bounce house for a birthday party to come in a few weeks. I'd like to imagine that today she'd give motherly advice on where the pillows should be positioned on the new sofa, or how much longer I should cook the waffles to get them to the right crispiness. I would appease her and move the pillows, make the dogs get off because the Scotch Guard hasn't been on for 24 hours (which would drive her nutso), and then as soon as we hung up I'd let them back up and eat my 'soggy waffle' in peace. And then she'd call back a few minutes later because she forgot to tell me one special ingredient, where to find it in the grocery store (because Bay Leaves aren't in the produce section, they are for some-odd-reason with the spices) and see that I was eating the soggy waffle and have moved the pillows back and just roll her eyes. Today, the pups get to stay put as we all reminisce and miss her together.

Forget #noregrets and cue #1millionregrets

There has been a lot of news lately, whether rhetorically or directly about how people can support Biden/Harris when they've held controversial, and yes even sometimes hurtful, positions on particular issues in the past. It got me thinking about the #noregrets culture that has been so popular, and how that has somehow been a funnel into the current cancel culture we are experiencing so visibly today. I am not sure how it started, or why it started, but I do know it is COMPLETE. BULLSHIT. I kind of went crazy in college and did some erroneous stuff. Gram, if you're reading this is where you want to stop, trust me. I lived in large houses packed in with several friends and we had some of the wildest parties I have ever attended, and our yearly Halloween parties were amongst the craziest. My friends and I would come up with wild costumes and fill entire coolers with everclear and any other liquor we could secure with our fake ID's (I don't mean put ice into the cooler and then put in bottled beverages, I mean just pour the liquor straight into a cooler and then ladle it out into a plastic cup). There are photos of me dancing on a pool table, mostly (OK, fully) nude and acting like a lunatic. I am not sharing all of this to relive the "good old days" but to set the scene for something I am about to type and put on the internet that I am so deeply ashamed and certainly have one million regrets over. One year for Halloween, I dressed in black face. Sigh. That sucked to even type out. I just typed and then deleted an explanation of why I did this because honestly it doesn't matter. It was hurtful and it contributed to systemic racism and is a blaring example of my white privilege. If I could go back and change it, I would. I am embarrassed and my views (obviously) have shifted dramatically since that time roughly twenty years ago. It's something I'll have to live with when I lay in bed next to my black husband and perhaps my daughter will see someday and to which I might have to offer an explanation. /// I say all of this to go back to the original point which is people change and evolve and hopefully their evolution is for the better. Thinking of my coming out story my own mother wept for her child, worried about his soul and if he'd secure a place in heaven for being gay. Fast forward a few years and she wept tears of joy at her son's wedding to the man of his dreams and wrote a blog for other struggling parents of LGBTQ youth. And it's not just changes from decades past. I regret deeply my tone yesterday with my husband. I regret not taking the plunge and restarting my career sooner. I regret not finding a way to spend more days with my sister and my dad and my Grandpa while they were here. We are all works in progress. /// A few years back I was really personally struggling in my retail career and somehow convinced my employer to let me be the social media "face" of our brand (sidenote, still can't believe they said yes). I knew I couldn't do the 60-hour-a-week intense job for much longer so I just made up a completely different job that I thought might fulfill me. The company flew me to New York City and I took a video making boot camp and was off to the races making videos for customers about the company, brands we sold, and showcasing my own parenting skills by including my daughter. Things went great for the first few months and I felt really happy with the 100K+ views my videos were getting. I would wake up sometimes in the middle of the night just to check the views. It was like a drug. I even flew across the country and made an "event appearance" at one of our store locations in the midwest. There were other blogger competitors in the field who were pretty unhappy about this and when I did a video on a product that directly impacted child safety (BTW, to which I was and still am totally unqualified to be talking about to thousands of people) the entire web lit me up. I started getting death threats in the comments, people sent letters to the CEO about how I was a baby-murderer, and one of these bloggers actually issued a post to their millions of followers calling for the "cancellation" of my entire company because they "let me post this inaccurate garbage to the internet." It totally sucked. But here is another example of this cancel culture. Should I have known better and done more research and been more prepared? Absolutely. I never did another video and wallowed in that job for another year before finally having the bravery to finally leave and pursue my true passion. It was a learning experience in listening to myself, that inner part of me and to "don't go chasing waterfalls."/// So back to the beginning. I have dozens and dozens of things I am deeply regretful of. I just admitted some of them to you. Sometimes a simple "sorry" just isn't enough, especially if you've hurt people. You have to just keep saying it, and more importantly SHOWING IT, and reconcile it within yourself. I've changed so much in the past ten years, and ten years before that, and tens years before that too. My learning has directly and indirectly hurt some of the people I love the most. So I don't buy into #noregrets and as I sort through this internally think it actually is really harmful to have this mentality. Growth is hard, but necessary./// Back to this election. Before anyone goes in on me, I get it---we can't have it both ways. I can't forgive Joe and Kamala for the sins of their past and not be willing to forgive Trump. But, here in proves my fundamental issue with Trump and his followers. I never hear "I'm sorry" or "forgive me." In fact, I hear that "systemic racism isn't real" and lots of bullying and mean tweets to anyone who demands an apology for the way he treated them or spoke to them. I can understand the defense of saying things you don't mean about war heroes or those with disabilities, but you've got to stand up and say sorry and change your ways. Maybe the "you're fired" and cancel culture are connected? As we all begin voting (PLEASE VOTE) my bets and hopes are on the empathetic person who I've seen overcome tragedy and heard time and time again, "I made a mistake, I was wrong, please forgive me." And even more importantly, I hope others see me this way too. If I have hurt you in the past (which is likely as I type this out) whether directly or indirectly I am so sorry and please forgive me.

Day 151 and Counting

It's hard to believe it has been 151 days since we began this shelter-in-place began. In true AJ fashion, I am up early and feeling an intense desire to write. I just re-read my last post from early April where I was navigating feelings about 20+ days into isolation and how "this new normal doesn't feel normal at all." Fast forward 131 more and THAT time feels more normal than I can hardly remember. Back then, we were still cleaning out closets, coming up with home projects, organizing online school work, and still trying to treasure the slower pace and ability to connect as a family. I was still working on adjusting to seeing my clients virtually, taking my final final-exams for my therapy program, and contemplating what it would like when my Mom could begin moving here. I honestly thought that everyone was taking the pandemic seriously and it would last a month, maybe two if some people needed some convincing to stay isolated and stop the spread. Fast forward 131 days, I've received my associate license, began a private practice, traveled to Detroit for a crazy-scary super-invasive surgery for Mom that ultimately got the cancer out, and don't think twice about wiping everything down with a sanitazation wipe, getting tested weekly for COVID-19 (negative again yesterday), grabbing from our Corona-basket full of masks, gloves, face shields, and sanitizer every time I have to go somewhere (which is rarely) and have worn real pants maybe four times. Sometimes, the only time I exit my house gate is to move the car from one side of the street to the other to avoid a street-cleaning ticket. And there is no end in sight, it's like half way through a long-boring movie when you ask yourself, "does this even have an ending?" My baby starts fourth grade in just a few days; she'll learn from home watching her friends and beloved teacher from her device at the kitchen table while I work-from-home in the other room. I began, and stopped, and began again several times on trying to post about George Floyd's murder and the much-needed uprising that came afterward. I could just never find the words. I still can't. I have had to face my own privilege, superiority, and internal biases head on all while watching the man I love most in the world, who is also black, confront and process this trauma that's been with him his entire life. What a total mind-f@*k to try to be compassionate and empathize with someone trying to understand a system-of-pain that in many ways you, your ancestors, and people that look like you inflicted upon them in the first place. I have to do better, and I've made a promise to myself to do just that with a caveat that inaction perpetuates the problem so I can't be silent and allowing others to continue this infliction-of-pain by saying "All Lives Matter" or "I don't see color" or "my best friend is black" or "why does it have to be violent" or "why can't it be peaceful" or "I don't have a racist bone in my body" or "George Floyd was a really bad dude" or "Breonna wasn't really an EMT" or "Blue Lives Matter" or "Trump-Pence 2020" or "black on black crime is worse" or "why am I paying for the sins of my ancestors" or "I'm not really white anyway" and about 10,000 more statements that are actually re-victimizing black and brown people with every word, every post and we have to be better and do better. White people I am talking to you (and internally to myself). Let the black voices do the talking here and we have to work on listening, donating, supporting, and educating of ourselves without relying on the oppressed to teach us, the opressors. Whiteness is the problem and racism is the way it is presented. One of my favorite statements from a black woman and activist named Kimberly Jones (who is nominated for a NAACP Image Award, look her up if you haven't already) is "Y'all are lucky that we only want equality and not revenge." To those that are struggling, it's OK. To those that are thriving, that is good too. Each of us is doing the best we can. We have multiple pandemics occuring all at the same time, some global, some domestic, and some just in the four walls of our homes (if you haven't lost it yet). I keep hearing how people just want to get back to normal, but after this long is there any semblance of normal to even get back to? I know for me I am forever changed by these 151 days, and I'll continue to change. Even once there is a vaccine and we can go back to hugging and visiting and interacting in our older ways, this time will be logged for fundamental and deep rooted adjustments that were a long time in the making for me.

Still Here

This morning I woke at 6 am just as the sun was starting to rise. With everything that is happening in the world we've been staying up late and sleeping in so I laid in bed for awhile thinking I would fall back to sleep, but just couldn't. I've really needed a release as day 20 of shelter-in-place begins. It's hard to explain, but this new normal just isn't normal at all and I've been holding in so much trying to navigate it and be strong. I wasn't quite sure what to do, so I made a cup of coffee, sat down at the computer in the empty, quiet, and dimly lit house and decided that I really needed some sister time. It has been almost seven years since my best friend and older sister Crystal died. And in the years leading up to her passing, she wrote a blog similar to this one. I've looked at it from time to time, and usually could not get more than ten minutes in without completely losing it. But this morning, in this moment, I needed to hear from her. I started reading and kept going, and kept going after that, until I got all the way to the beginning. Her nearly four years of journaling was like hearing directly from her, in her own words. Often a photo would support a post and I closed my eyes to try to place myself there with her. Her love letter to her daughter, my niece Rilynn, on her ninth birthday made me realize that my own baby, the one she posted about coming to see and hold who was born one day before her thirtieth birthday, will be nine in one month! There was a post and a photo from her trip to Chicago with just her and I as we started navigating divorce together in the midst of her terrible cancer journey. I wept. And wept. She loved so hard. She fought so hard. She LIVED so hard. Once she heard that she would likely die, she traveled. To Costa Rica. And Hawaii. And Mexico. And St. Martin. And Miami. And California. She found new love. She cherished moments with her loved ones. As she would probably say, "I rallied." There were surprises too. She went and visited our paternal grandmother and her girls met their Great Grandma. I didn't know that happened; or if I did I must've forgotten again. On two of her trips to visit me in California she mentioned what she was doing while "I worked." Man, oh man. If I could go back in time, I would've quit every single one of those jobs to have a millisecond more with her. She flew to see me and I still went to work while she was there? She said things to describe the smell of the sea, her view from an airplane, the despair she felt as her body fought against her. For a moment, it was like she was still here. And it was magnificent! Life is chaotic right now. We are all doing the absolute best we can. My clinical work with clients is all virtual now, but it is a constant reminder to me that we are in this together. Each experience is unique and valid and important. I would encourage you all to spend even a few seconds this weekend finding some type of self-care, whether that be a trip back in time to "visit" with someone like I did, a Skype visit in the here and now with someone you've been missing, or start planning a trip for the future (while airfare and travel is so inexpensive). As I went to post this, a Facebook memory crawled to the top of my screen. Wouldn't you know, she was here all morning and I didn't even know it!

Operation Introspection

I think everyone would agree that it has been a strange couple of days as we begin 'social distancing' and navigate a new world (at least for awhile). I would ALMOST say this has been the oddest couple of my days of my entire life, but that would not be truthful. This moment makes me think back on some of the other times in my life when I was aware, in some way way back part of my mind, that this is one of those periods that has been tattooed into my brain where my grandchildren and great grandchildren might ask me "where were you when the world quieted down for a few weeks/months?" Can you imagine their faces when I tell them that their Mama used a 'website' called 'Zoom' to meet with her teacher and I used a 'video' conference room to meet with my clients 'virtually' while I stayed at home and played endless rounds of Clue and Scategories? I can already cue the questions, "what's a zoom? And what is video? And what in the heck is a board game?" Instead of hearing what we actually did here they'll be wrapped up in the terms of the "old days" and how primitive this all sounds. And we will laugh and giggle together, there will be some wonder and amazement in their eyes, and they might even roll their eyes to one another and talk about their crazy old grandpa and all of his nostalgia. It reminds me of my experience with 9/11. If I tried hard enough I could force myself to remember what I was wearing as I laid in my dorm room and watched the planes hit the twin towers, from a television the weight of elephant and called my room mate from a phone with a cord to please come back because I was so frightened to be alone. I could feel the rise and fall of my t-shirt as my whole body shook. My heart raced, fast. So fast. Was something coming right this very minute to crash into me? What am I actually seeing with my eyes? Will I survive? Will they? While I remember the feeling and emotion, do you know what my eight year old asks? Why didn't you just send a "I'm safe" sticker on Facebook? Um, honey, there was no Facebook. No social media at all, unless you count live journal. I mean, was there even Wifi then? And all of the stuff that came after is now just common practice.....no liquids through TSA (who didn't even exist beforehand), an endless war in the Middle East in countries I still could never identify on a globe, and the start of political polarization that forced everyone (online anyway) into whatever corner they would be defending until the death from that point forward since everything you believed would now be worn as a badge of honor on social media. In elementary school, I had a project to interview my parents about where they were when JFK was assassinated. We were supposed to draw it into picture form (which thinking of it now is kind of morbid) but I have a vague memory of not understanding how to draw a Cadillac convertible. Sure, my grandparents drove Cadillac's but my Mom said President Kennedy's was different. I was annoyed and wanted to see a photo, but then again there was no Internet, no google where I could just hit 'images' and I had to use my imagination. And we could keep going back and back and find endless examples. It's not just milestone memories either. 'Have you ever seen a person die Grandpa?' "Yep, and part of me died along with them in that moment." 'Have you ever seen a baby be born?' "Yes, I was in the room when your Mama was born and my heart exploded into a million pieces like a firework when I saw her for the first time." My point in saying all of this is to remind us all that I believe most of us are in a vulnerable and emotional space right now. We are aware of how scary and frightening this all is, and even if we put on a brave face and say things like 'it's not that big of a deal' or 'everything will be OK' part of us is aware of the emotional impact this virus is having on us. And it's not just emotional, my restaurant job has been suspended. Millions of workers are scared about how they'll survive financially in the coming weeks and months, especially if this keeps on going this way. Your feelings are valid and important. I have moments of pure terror and fear as well. But then I am quickly reminded that the 10-days of independent study, each round of a board game, each television show I let my daughter watch because I just need a minute and don't really care that she's watched ten hours of TV today, the stocked up fridge, the void streets, the constant media news cycle pumping us full of information, social media, and social distancing will not matter a decade from now. Not to us individually anyway. And somehow that gives me some peace to make mistakes, try to stay present, binge watch good TV shows, pray for doctors, nurses, and other leaders, drink good wine, play an extra round of cards with my kiddo, call my Mama more often, and cuddle with my spouse at night. We will get through this and when we tell the story of 2020 to our kids they'll simply want to know- where were you when COVID-19 changed the world for a blink?

JUXTAPOSITION

It's been a chaotic fall and early winter. I've been working seven days a week as I divide my time between the clinic and my restaurant job to pay the bills. Yesterday was the first weekend day off we've spent at home as a family since the school year started and it was extraordinary and extraordinarily boring at the same time. I normally work at the clinic all day on Saturdays and then at the restaurant all day on Sunday, but somehow got scheduled off just by coincidence. I had begun to forget how fun Sunday morning FaceTime calls with Mom could be, followed by a homemade breakfast, some errands and shopping, then onto a rainy afternoon spent cuddling with the pups on the couch and watching old movies (Harper picked Return to Oz), a nice homemade meal, and some complicated puzzle-doing to finish up the night. Watching life through Harper's eyes is inspiring and thought provoking. Christmastime has always been a mashup of sadness and joy for me and this year seems to be the same. 2019 has been one of the LONGEST and HARDEST years of my entire life. While there have been so many positive memories, there has been a lot of pain too. My Mom's cancer battle continues as she fights for her life after an excruciating surgery five weeks ago. So many of you have reached out to her and I, and I can actually feel the love and prayers that you are pouring out and into us. Watching anyone you love go through something this horrifying takes a toll on your mental health. I wish I could offer some encouragement or insight, but most days I feel pretty hollow right now if I am being honest and forthright with you...and more importantly myself. For so much of my life I've been able to fake it til I make it and carry on as if the weight of everything was not going to get me down. In a world of Instastories and our online social resume broadcasted for everyone to evaluate and weigh-in on, its hard to keep track of what is real and what is not. But for the past three to four months, I am trying (albeit sometimes still failing) to be more aware of what is happening WITHIN me and honor those feelings as they come up. Part of what is sustaining me is my work. I took a HUGE risk and left a high paying career to chase my dream of becoming a therapist. I was never known for taking risks before this, so I think most people were surprised when I just quit and went for it. The most surprised person was probably myself as I had developed this defense mechanism of thriving on meeting or exceeding other peoples expectations. Now I know what you're thinking at this point...yes, but he must have secret money or something that somehow gave him the ability to take the leap and I really don't. Full transparency alert: We completely cashed out my 401K to pay off remaining debt and make a down payment on tuition. Currently there is $87.65 in our checking account. There is no back up plan, no secret money, no savings whatsoever. "But I just saw photos of you in NYC sitting near the stage at Hamilton and y'all travel ALL OF THE TIME and live such an LUXURIOUS life!" -yeah, thank you credit cards for a high enough limit to swipe it and hope to pay it back someday in the future. The moral of the story is WE ALL HAVE SO MUCH CRAP and things are NOT what they always seem. I love pretending, but the truth can often be brutal. But when I am sitting one on one with someone in my therapy room and I can connect with them on the painful or challenging things that are occurring in their lives all of that risk and uncertainty I took is worth it. And I know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I feel electricity pulsating throughout my body. Even typing about it is giving me chills. If I have learned anything from the death via suicide of my father, loss of my sister to cancer, heartache and heart break, troubled family relationships, and now another cancer battle with Mom it's that you have to still search for those pricks of light even when everything seems dark and dismal. I have a tattoo across my chest that says 'faith' in my own handwriting and links to 'love' written over my ribs. When my sister got sick with cancer, the doctor said all you need is FAITH, LOVE, and HOPE so I got a third tattoo of the word 'hope' printed multiple times starting at my sternum and going straight down my stomach all the way to my pubic bone. The words match the scar left after her major surgery, and interestingly my Mom's recent surgery incision is almost identical. This has become a constant reminder to me every time I catch a glance of myself in the mirror that tomorrow is a new day, and after the storm comes a rainbow. As we began wrapping up our family day yesterday, a coworker sent me a text asking to switch shifts so I ended up having a second day in a row to myself: TODAY! I am currently curled up in my bed drinking a sweet cup of coffee with a book right next to me that I've been dying to read and am going to have a self-care day. I have no agenda, no plans whatsoever. And that feels really really good. Bring it on 2020, I am ready for you.

Back to Life, Back to Reality

It has been a whirlwind summer and today we all go back to our regular routines. Harper is now in her third week of third grade and tomorrow I begin the final Practicum Clinical part of my graduate school as a student therapist at a counseling center here in Hollywood! It's hard to think that in a few short days I'll be assigned my first clients with the honor (and also responsibility) of becoming their counselor. We had a very short summer as Harper's school got out in late June and went back in mid-August. We all took off for Reno, Nevada in the first week of August for our annual pilgrimage to the Lahontan Reservoir. This was my twelfth adult trip out to the lake and I couldn't help but reflect at all of the memories made on this tiny area of Northern Nevada. When you are out there and take a few minutes to breathe, you see a million stars and I become flooded with millions of thoughts too. I'll never forget the first trip when I was twenty-one and re-meeting the entire O'B family; I was filled with nerves so my sister Crystal and her daughters who were 3 months old and 2 years old came out for support. It became our tradition and in the years after, so many other important people in my life joined in on the fun. When Harper was three months old, her aunt was in a car accident on the way to the lake and I can remember being so frightened. The year Michael Jackson died we all screamed out in disbelief as the news came over the radio. Bocce ball, jet skis, tree swings, boating, tubing, and let's face it LOTS and LOTS of drinking too; it's hard to imagine a meaningful summer and not associate it with that trip. This year, those same girls who were three months and two years came out, except now they are fourteen and sixteen years old and the most vibrant, hilarious, witty, smart, kind, and truly beautiful young women. And while it's been six years that their Mom has been gone, they are so filled with her amazing spirit, zest for life, and man do they look (and sound) just like her too. We all returned to LA together and the girls (my nieces, Harper, and I) went on a Hollywood tour and spent a day at Six Flags before Mom arrived from Detroit. It had been many years since Mom got to see my nieces and she's been battling cancer since the beginning of the year. She's been focused on her recovery and being well enough to enjoy the trip, and man-oh-man did we ever enjoy our time with her. We all spent a day in Santa Monica followed by a long weekend in Palm Springs with friends and family before Harper started school. My poor baby was so exhausted by the 12-day-non-stop-extravaganza that she ended up missing the majority of her first week of school due to a gnarly virus. Grandma Kim (Harper's other grandma and my Mom's best friend of many years) joined us and they took care of their sick girl and Mom and I went to a taping of Will and Grace (sooo fun) and the following night Sabin took her to a movie premiere with Jamie Foxx, Michael B. Jordan, and Bree Larsen! She really got the full Hollywood experience and it was so awesome to see her feeling better and kicking cancer's ass. This was my first birthday celebrated with my Mommy since I turned 17, and it was so sweet and awesome to have everyone together. We played lots of card games, had tons of laughs, and I am still in awe of her fighting and determined spirit. Mom left and a two days later my friend Kellie and her family arrived from New Jersey. Another Hollywood tour day followed by another amazing weekend in Palm Springs (can I just move there already?) happened this weekend, sitting pool side and enjoying the company and presence of those I love so deeply. My mantra this summer has been "BE HERE NOW" and I even had it printed on a piece of art in my living room for a frequent reminder. Next month we've planned a trip to the Poconos to celebrate another great friend and in February I am reuniting with my crew from college after many years of distance and life simply happening. A few lessons I've learned this summer: 1) Sometimes BEING HERE NOW isn't very fun, but it's still important. 2) Try to breathe a few deep breaths and appreciate what is in front of you right now. 3) I am human, I will make mistakes. 4) Mental health is important. Don't skip sessions with your therapist in months filled with so much stuff. 5) Take a few seconds to be GRATEFUL for what you do have. 6) Take a few seconds to be MINDFUL and set INTENTION for what you need. 7) Tell people how much they mean to you and how much you love them. 8) "If you can't love yourself, how the hell you gonna love someone else?"-RuPaul. Onward to regular life, meal prep, working, and getting stuff done.

Half Way Done

It's hard to believe that we are just now at the half-way mark of the year 2019. This has been one of the longest and most challenging years I've faced as an adult and somehow I am holding onto a small piece of optimism for the second half. I am learning (literally and figuratively) so much about human behavior and why and how we act and behave certain ways. Why is it that in crisis and stressful events so many people lose their minds? Turns out there is a biological and physiological explanation. Even when armed with the scientific understanding, it still doesn't help much in regular every day life. Especially when some people thrive in chaos and truly don't want or are incapable of getting and keeping help. Somehow when someone you love deeply is presented with a terminal illness, everything else seems so minor and trivial. I've begun focusing on putting my attention where it counts and attempting to be more present in the moment and not allow these distractions to, well...distract...me. So much of my past was based on gut-reactions and internalizing and evaluating every single thing placed at my feet. I am a "fixer" and "peace maker" and "decision maker" and someone people looked to for answers and direction. I'll still be those things because they make up who I am but with the pressure of being a full time student, worker, dad, husband, and the list just goes on and on, I honestly don't have the time or mental capability to balance it all so I just take each day as it comes and keep my focus on the relationships that are reciprocal. I love Brene Brown (seriously watch her Netflix special TODAY if you haven't already), and I remember her in a podcast several years ago talking about the gas-fillers and the gas-takers. We all need people who refill our emotional and spiritual tanks and whom you do the same for. Gone are the days for me where I give and give with nothing in return and feel depleted...I'll allow my future clients to pay me for that energy, thank you very much! Speaking of future clients, I was selected to begin my work with real clients in September at a community clinic in North Hollywood! I digressed, but in my regular non-therapist work, I want to laugh a lot. I want to have real-authentic conversations and look you in the eye, preferably over a glass of nice wine. I want to play Nintendo into the wee hours of the morning with my husband as we jam out to Katy Perry or Kirk Franklin or whomever. I want to reply to sweet and thoughtful text messages to a mother-in-law that I never dreamt would even message me to begin with. I want to send funny mi-mojis to my niece and remind her how much she is loved. I want to swim in pools with friends, drag my feet in the sand, barbecue on the back patio, wake board at lake, sleep under the stars. I want to have picnics in the park with my daughter and dogs and watch her read her Hamilton books with so much joy and wonder. And for the first time in a long time, I am going to do just that. Here's to Act II of 2019, bring it on!

A Birthday Love Letter

I never really paid that much attention to birthdays before I met you. Of course, I celebrated and had parties and such, but it didn't really FEEL like that big of a deal. To be fair, I had trouble FEELING much of anything at all. Then I met you, my love, and then I got see someone every day who lives each moment like it's their last. Laughs. A lot. And just like that, I was forced to see how beautiful life can be when you take the wheel and jump in the drivers seat. You are inspiring, and it isn't just me who feels that way. Part of me is jealous and anxious that everyone loves you so much. I'd love to steal away all of that positivity and energy and warmth and keep it all to myself. Somedays I do. But you are the most YOU sitting in the middle of a large circle of people, smiling and joking and criss-crossing the energy back and forth. It's like watching the most brilliant Broadway musical the way you can captivate anyone who gets the pleasure of interacting with you. You're confident, but not cocky (well....most of the time). You're charming but not a pushover. You're emotionally present without being overly emotional. Sometimes I just sit back and watch as you navigate the walkway of a mall or enter a building or meet someone new. You slightly arch your back and walk in with such confidence, no matter what you might find inside you know who you are and you aren't willing to sacrifice THAT for anything. I have to be honest, sometimes when you're home alone with our girl, I watch the home video cameras. Not because I am trying to spy, but just the way you look at her and treat her with dignity, lovingness, and joy makes my heart burst. You fill her glass of milk about 3/4 full as to not spill, but also so that she gets the right amount to drink. When it's early in the morning, you just lay there and pretend to sleep but I see you constantly checking on her and watching in amazement at the person she is. With her, you, and I we can take on the world. You are my world. Thanks for always reminding me that we get this one shot at life. You are my teacher, a constant source of strength. It's hard to remember life without you, when I see pictures from before you I think you might be in the

other room and that's why you're not there. You've given me new life and on this day, just like every other day, we celebrate your life. Thanks for always being you! -AJFR

Mom's Cancer Battle Update

I spent a full week with my Mom as she battles Stage III Rectal Cancer. It’s been overwhelming, terrifying, challenging, beautiful, and harmonious all at the same time. I feel like 2019 has perhaps been thirty-six months long so far, when in reality it’s only been two. I arrived to Detroit last Saturday with my posse in tow, my amazing and supportive husband and my big blue eyed girl that makes everything better. Honestly, preparing for the trip, I had no idea what to expect. Mom is under a rigorous chemotherapy and radiation regimen that will last five weeks. The first week included chemotherapy that is attached to her and distributed over the course of a week. By the time we’d arrived, the first week was over and this mysterious chemo attachment had been removed. I was so excited on the flight from Los Angeles to Detroit, but I was also worried. I had been to see my sister along her cancer journey and every time our eyes met I was presented with a different version of cancer. Would Mom be unable to walk and talk? Would her hair be falling out in clumps and how could I possibly explain this all to a seven-year-old whose only exposure was her dying Aunt. ***Sidenote…would you believe me if I told you Chicago Midway does NOT have a Starbucks?!?*** When we first locked eyes, Mom looked like she’s always looked. Hopeful, and funny, and determined. I was so cold and shivering that I really didn’t take the moment to really LOOK at her. It just seemed like a spring break trip and the fam jam and I had arrived for a fun visit. I got to visit with my Aunt Colleen, who is my Godmother and someone I have laughed with endlessly my whole life. We all made small talk and tried to navigate the range of emotions we’ve all been feeling, but it was nice to be there. To physically see for myself what the heck was going on. My Aunt Donna, Mom’s best friend since childhood, met us at home with a home-cooked meal of Spaghetti and Meatball...man-oh-man must she know my daughter well...and we enjoyed visiting and talking and laughing and maybe a few tears of crying. I am terrible with expressing emotions. When I feel that tickle in my throat that leads to a cry, I know the perfect remedy to make it subside. Swallow hard twice and keep it moving. I kept looking at my Mom. I would stare for a few moments when she’d engage with someone else so she couldn’t see me stare and really observe. “What’s actually happening in there?” I’d ask myself and try to figure it all out. Sunday night I got to visit with my Gramma; we did the math and I think it’s been nine years since I’d seen her. She is beautiful, always has been and always will be to me. We share something so special, I can hardly put it into words. And my wonderful Uncle and his beautiful wife, they’ve all been so amazing as Mom navigates this crazy and scary and wild journey. A few things I know for sure. 1) Cancer absolutely sucks. 2) You only get one family and you need to treasure every moment...even the difficult, uncomfortable, or crazy moments. 3) Your Mom is way stronger than you know...she carried you inside of her body for 40 weeks (or 42 in my case) and is a superstar. 4) We can only be our own authentic truth of a self and expect nothing in return. The week with Mom was hard at times. I hate to see anyone I love so very sick. But, I have to be honest with everyone including myself. I didn’t know what a fighter she was until I saw her face to face. She can somehow prepare herself for battle day in and day out for radiation, knowing it would wipe her out for the rest of the night. Illness is a strange thing. The evenings and nights are much harder than daylight; it’s almost if God also has to sleep at night too or something? Isn’t it that way with most illness though, not just cancer? If I could take some of the pain away I would in a heartbeat. I’ve always loved being in charge and calling the shots, but with illness you don’t get that luxury. You have to take each hour, or minute really, as they come and just go with it. As Mom's treatments are daily at the same time, I watched as dozens of other fighters arrived while I waited in the lobby. So many people are fighting with no one; they too find the strength to fight even without support. I wanted to hug them all and offer to drive them or come cook them a meal. Mom's oncologist says the ones who have the most success are surrounded in love of family and friends, and she has that in spades. My husband is my superhero. As we watched my sister leave this earth together and again now as my Mom battles this awful disease, he is always there steadfast in hope and reminding me that no matter what it’ll all be OK. I have no idea how this journey ends, but I know my Mom is strong, I am hopeful, and somehow someway this’ll all work out and teach us something at the same time.