Our Year End Christmas Card Family Update Letter

2023 was full of high highs and low lows. As we headed into the new year, Sabin had just began working at the corporate offices of the iconic brand, Playboy and was continuing his acting career in film and television. Harper was halfway through 6th grade and beginning to really desire some growth and change and a chance to attend a more typical school with lockers and shifting classes. And AJ was in month seven of owning and operating his own psychotherapy private practice after completing his licensure to become a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist (LMFT) after his four-year training concluded and was about halfway through completing his doctoral degree in Psychology. We welcomed in the new year to a torrential downpour, as we got soaked but had a blast with friends and family competing in beer pong and flip cup competitions! We all wore pajamas and danced in the rain together. It was a really special memory. February brought with a few lovely visits with family: one at home with family visiting from Clarksville, TN and later meeting Michigan family in Joshua Tree for the weekend. In March, AJ & Sabin traveled to Las Vegas for Sabin’s birthday and he was gifted and surprised tickets to see Adele! Plus, we got to hang with AJ’s college roommate and his husband and had a great weekend together. AJ went back to Las Vegas just two weekends later for a getaway with his bestie, Kellie and had another fantastic visit, but came home with his first bout of Rona  Don’t believe the hype that O- blood type makes you immune.  Sabin and Harper were able to avoid COVID back in March, but each got it later in the spring. Everyone fared well in spite of avoiding it for three years. In March, Harper had toured several schools and found one that offered her early admission to begin right after spring break, rather than waiting until the next school year. She jumped at the chance and began at her new school. She is loving the transition a more “grown-up” junior high school. We’ve overall been mostly pleased with the school experience. She is wicked smart with all honor’s classes, loves to read, is obsessed with anything and everything related to her icon, Taylor Swift Kelce (She’ll kill me for adding the Kelce part). She’s been able to hold onto a few core friendships from her former school and we are often caught feeling inspired by watching Harper interact. She is open, curious, sensitive, and a deeply empathetic kid. She has had a wild growth spurt in the past few months, including physically, emotionally, and socially. We want to slow down time, but it seems to keep on racing. In May, AJ moved from a shared-office space into his own solo office! It was an exciting transition. He also took advanced training in some trauma therapy modalities and began working on clinical staff at a community mental health clinic in addition to his work in his expanding private practice. Harper turned twelve and had a roller skating and sleepover party with T Swift inspired cupcakes and favors. In June, we traveled for our niece’s high school graduation up to Idaho and met up with AJ’s sister Katie and her daughter there as well. It is always so lovely to be together with all the girls that are cousins on their Fernandez side. More on them in a bit. In an unfortunate moment, we also witnessed a tragedy and near drowning at the hotel pool while we were there by another child who was swimming with the girls at the pool. Thankfully after several minutes, the child was able to be resuscitated and was alert while being transported to the hospital, but it was also excruciating both to independently witness but also watch your children witness at the same time. To say the least, we were all a little shell shocked, so it was a lovely relief when the same niece who we had been celebrating came to Los Angeles a few weeks later and we got to truly be together for some quality time. June was also Father’s Day weekend, which we spent at home with a surprise for Sabin that we were finally able to obtain some legal documents to confirm what we always knew to be true in our hearts- that he is forever and always a parent to Harper Fernandez. In early August, we traveled to Maui with many friends and family members to celebrate AJ’s 40th Birthday. As most of you know, we were unfortunately in the area that was most heavily impacted by the deadliest wildfires ever experienced on the island. We aren’t going to downplay anything. It was the most frightening experience of our lives. We are lucky to be alive. We are thankful for good health and quick reflexes. We are bonded with those who went through this experience with us and share in what we all experienced. It was a bummer and it totally sucked. Another August bummer is that this one commemorated 10 years since AJ’s sister Crystal passed away. She deserves mention here because she was that important to us. And her girls- Rilynn and Mekaty. We love those two kids (now 21 years old and almost 19 years old women, but always kids to us) so much that it hurts and are so grateful to be and stay connected with them. And Crystal would be incredibly proud of how amazing they both are. The end. The last August bummer that must be shared to continue the trifecta here is that ten days after getting off the island of Maui, in the middle of the night as a hurricane was expected to make landfall in Los Angeles, our unhinged neighbor lit her home on fire and we were awoken again to a blazing fire within a few hundred feet of us. We’re all still honestly processing all of this. We continue to find gratitude and knowingness of how much worse any of this could’ve been. At the same time, we don’t want to pretend it didn’t happen either. It did. It changed us. We are working on it. In September, we began perusing homes in the market and quickly learned it would be very unlikely (more like impossible) that we would be able to buy in this wild housing market. We basically gave up on the idea but continued looking and viewing open houses. In mid-October, OUR house came on the market. AJ saw it within 16 minutes of the listing, sent a link to Sabin who immediately responded with “mine,” and we were doing a walk through the next day. The offer, escrow, closing, and moving process were all super intense but we are so elated. The fact that we get to stay in the same area close to our family and friends, in a neighborhood we love, and in the city of Angels still feels like a dream that we need waking from. We can’t wait to share it someday soon (including January 6th from 6-10pm if you are in/around LA on that day- RSVP to AJ or Sabin now if you’re coming and feel free to bring your peeps, kids, etc). There’s still stuff, as there always seems to be. We are all focused on family members who are experiencing illness and suffering and can use a lot of prayers, positive regards, and positive thoughts right now as they focus on recovery. We just celebrated the three year anniversary of AJ’s Mom Maureen’s passing and still miss her every moment of every day. In some ways we are writing this for her. Because if she were here, she’d be saying that we need to share the news with everyone else. May we all use her spirit this holiday season. Again, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and Happy New Year!

Maui

Going to try my best to recap this so I have it for the future. Trigger warning, lots of dramatic stuff below... Saturday, August 5th marked the ten year anniversary of my sister Crystal's passing along with the thirteenth birthday of my niece, Sienna. We've been planning my big birthday trip to Maui since October of last year, and my family along with 4 others (it ended up being 7 others but more on that later) including some of my closest and longterm friends, Carey and Maria (pronounced Mariah Carey for reference) and my best friend Kellie and her mom, Dee set out for a week in paradise. Carey and Maria were flying from NC and MO and arrived on Friday night and stayed in old town Lahaina at the Pioneer Inn before checking into our resort with the rest of the group on Saturday morning. We landed in Maui on very little sleep, but so much excitement and joy. We stopped at Wal Mart and got a bunch of snacks, water, and other items to keep in the room throughout the week. We got settled into our resort on Kaanapali Beach, perhaps the most beautiful beach I'd ever seen with my two eyes (and I've seen a lot of beautiful beaches throughout the world) and basked in the beauty and serenity we had all been wishing for for many months. We stopped for Lei's to give to each person as they arrived and hugged eachother tight and went right to the pool/beach to begin our vacation together.

Sunday morning, my family left the resort and went back into Lahaina, four miles from our resort, to eat at the Pioneer Inn and had the most incredible breakfast. Carey and Maria had raved about how cute the town was, the historical Banyan tree with sixteen trunks, and some of their spots they had seen the night prior while staying "in town." We began learning about the history of this place, with surfers in the water, cute shops, killer coffee, and the best cornflake encrusted french toast I'd ever eaten. Pioneer Inn had been built in the early 1900's to house military staff coming to the islands, and Lahaina itself was the royal capitol of the Kingdom of Hawaii. When you picture Hawaii, it's likely that if you see buildings or things on land, you're actually thinking almost exactly of what Lahaina looked like. We also stopped by some shops and then returned back to the resort when a knock came on the door for "housekeeping." I opened it thinking it was a member of the hotel staff only to see our friends Ann, JP, and Olivia standing at the door! I'd just dropped my dogs off to them on Friday evening and was so confused because I thought they couldn't come and to see them in paradise was such a touching moment. We all cried, looked out at the beautiful beach, and booked it down there to join the rest of our group for a pool/beach day all together as a group of ten.

On Monday morning we were up bright and early for a trip on the Road to Hana. It was the must-do excursion we had heard about from everyone. Our guide Chase, who was born and raised in Maui and went to Lahaina High School (the countries oldest high school), picked us up at 6 am and off to our twelve hour trip to Hana began. It is a very treacherous road, but had some of the most incredible sites I'd ever seen. Honestly, it looked like Jurassic Park (and much of those films were actually shot in Maui) and we enjoyed black sand beaches, lava tubes, rainbow trees, and Chase speaking via microphone giving us the entire history of the Hawaiian islands, how important Lahaina was to the people of Hawaii, and he displayed so much pride and knowledge in this magical place. Harper, Sabin, and I (along with my friend Carey who was on her own Road to Hana drive with Maria) all jumped from waterfalls and felt so connected and relaxed. We returned to the resort early, had a quick meal, and went straight to bed.

Here's where things change. We awoke Tuesday morning to no power. It wasn't a huge deal and we were all kind of oblivious. We were on vacation so we hadn't been checking the news, but there wasn't even a whisper from anyone along our journey that would have given us any indication that this wasn't just a typical Hawaiian vacation (no emails with warnings about the winds, no instructions on what to do in the case of too high of winds, fires, etc). Everywhere we had been up to this point was packed with tourists as this is the final week of summer vacation for a ton of schools on the mainland. In an attempt to find some coffee and get some outside information, Ann and I took off to head into town and see what the power situation. We thought we'd drive into Lahaina and see if they had power and if so, make a big breakfast reservation back at Pioneer Inn since everyone who hadn't already MUST have that incredible food and see the cute downtown area. As soon as we got on the road we realized something was off. When we drove by the Safeway, it was packed with people and had no power. People were buying out everything so we bought little coffees and snacks (in a dark grocery store with a bunch of locals who all looked panicked). All the essentials were already sold out- water, etc and the frozen foods sections was locked to not allow people to open the door or buy things inside. We also recognized we no longer had much connection to the outside world, with no cell service and a bit of uncertainty of what we should do so we just shopped as quickly and calmly as possible (it was really beautiful to see the Aloha spirit here; even though there was a sense of urgency in the air, everyone was still courteous, kind, patient, waited in line, etc). When we returned from the store, our group decided to all just make this day a beach/pool day. It was a bit windy but otherwise another gorgeous day in paradise. We had the food we'd packed so we just made sandwiches and honestly were all expecting power to return by the next morning and kind of found the "glamping in the dark" thing kind of endearing. Around dinner time as the sun went down, we began seeing a smoke ploom in the air towards Lahaina. We checked in with the staff who told us that there were seven wildfires happening around the islands and the winds were high as Hurricane Dora passed the islands from the south, but that they were at least fifteen miles from us and that we should just stick to the resort and wait to hear anything (keeping in mind that they'd have to come tell us directly as now everyone no longer had much charge on our phones, needed them for flashlights in the dark, and still had no outside communication or service). The smell of smoke began to increase and the smoke plumes were scary, but still seemed far away from us. We did pack up our room and moved to a lower level, as the high winds and smokey air made us worried up in our beachfront penthouse (plus we had to climb six sets of steep stairs every time we had to go to the room for anything as the elevators were obviously also out) and we decided to just leave them packed just in case. At around 1 am (again this is a guess since we had no cell reception) we got a knock on our door to grab our essential items and "go north." I quickly ran around our resort and woke up everyone from my group. Everyone was really freaked out and uncertain of what to do, but recognized the danger and just loaded up, turned out of the resort to the direction away from Lahaina and followed cars about twenty miles or so up into upper country where they were stopped on the highway by a transportation department vehicle. The official seated on a lawn chair blocking the road explained to us that we were out of immediate danger but that they were stopping us here as the road ahead was way too treacherous for non-locals to attempt on their own, especially in the dark. We rolled down the windows and tried to rest our eyes on the roadside for about an hour. Then someone came and opened that road (the same one we had heard from Chase on the Road to Hana that he would never attempt as too many cars have already driven straight off a cliff as there are no guard rails and many twists and turns for at least an hour and a half until we reached civilazion again). There was no stopping at all, and it was super scary to decide right there if we should attempt it or not. We also were missing two from our group and couldn't imagine leaving them so we turned back and someone guided us to the local shelter nearby at Maui Prep High School. Busses of people were being brought in covered in ash, people were screaming and crying, it was truly apocolyptic. We were also reliant on locals who understandably were worried about their homes, families, and friends rather than catering to scared tourists stopping them every few steps to ask for "help or guidance." So we just slept in our cars and waited. When the sun began to rise, we were able to find a small sliver of space at the shelter and got a call from Maria that they had been nearby but did not come into the shelter and had returned to our resort which was not gone due to the fires. We all quickly went back to the resort, hoping for some answers or news when we arrived. We all hugged and were a bit shell shocked, but so grateful to have all been reunited and not been directly harmed. Once back at the resort, there weren't many staff members and some guests never even evacuated. People were trying to go to the pool and the skies were cleared. We began getting pings and messages from worried family members and tried to decide what to do. At this point, I honestly thought the fires were under control, there hadn't been much damage, power would be restored shortly, and just got into my swim suit and went to the beach with our group. Ann and Sabin found a back service entrance and were able to get us some bags of ice to keep the fridges cooler and a food truck with Thai food opened briefly nearby giving us all one large home cooked meal to tide over our hunger for awhile. We had a big dinner reservation planned for my birthday where we'd all wear white. Some of us still showered in the cold/dark and wore them and JP took a bunch of photos of us as we watched the sunset from our beach and ate the last of our sandwiches for dinner and drank the remaining food, water, and booze we'd bought at the store. Sirens were going off frequently and it was a weird day, but we were just trying to remain calm and regulate. I took a nap, everyone went to bed early, and we were still hoping to wake with power and information the next morning. Half of our group had flights home on Thursday so they woke early and said goodbye and headed towards the airport. We got news just before bed that they would not have to attempt that scary road and would be able to get out, but that once you left there was no getting back, and that most of the other parts of the island were already booked up with relocated tourists. The others who remained decided that we should relocate as power didn't seem possible anytime soon, staff members were clearly exhausted and grieving (our front desk clerk had to stay because he had no home to return to and his son was killed in the fires).

One mile after turning right back towards Lahaina we saw something I never knew existed. The entire town had been decimated. The fires were right near us afterall. It was insane. I don't think my brain will every let me forget what I saw so close to my closest people who traveled thousands of miles for my birthday. It was a lot. That beautiful village of Lahaina was gone. The Pioneer Inn. All the cute shops. The boats and the harbor itself. Gone.

About fifteen miles after Lahaina we began to gain reception again and could communicate with our group (cars having USB chargers was a life saver for us) and all of them were unable to fly that day as the airport was a madhouse. Carey and Maria did not want to leave the airport and come rejoin us out of fear of having to clear security again and hopes of joining any outbound flights to the mainland on standby. Ann, JP, and Olivia came to join the rest of us in Kihei, another part of the island where they had power, services running, and were able to secure a few rooms with the help of a local with a couple condos on the beach for the night. Kellie's company, Party City, also booked us a reservation and took care of our last minute changes (thank you Party City!). We tried to make the most of it. All of our nervous systems were shot. We were trying to keep it together for the kids and ourselves, realizing if any of us broke the whole crew might go down afterwards. We were able to hear from others how their evacuations went. Those who braved that scary road said it was the most frightening experience of their lives and they had to leave behind all of their luggage and make the remainder of their trips work with whatever they quickly could grab. Others went back to the resort and stayed without power there until the end of their trips, making it work with donations from the shelters and the food they had in their rooms. On the very last night, more evacuations at our resort area happened as little wild fires kept flaring up throughout that area. I'm sitting here on my front porch back at home with all of my people safely tucked into their beds. It feels nice, but I also recognize the trauma that has bonded us all, what we've witnessed and seen, and how quickly life and things can change. And what we've endured is nothing compared to the beautiful locals of Maui, who treated us with dignity and respect even in their darkest moments.

Drama Free in 2023

At the start of my year, my college friends all began texting me. Back story: when I was in college wayyyyy back in 2003, we threw a large new years party and the slogan was "Drama Free in 2003!" When 2013 rolled around,the rhyming didn't work but as for 2023.....you get the jist. Lots and lots of "Drama Free in 2023!" messages came along as we transitioned into this new year. What a farce. This year has felt really...heavy. I don't know how better to describe it. Harper was really struggling with the transition to middle school and in desperate need of a change after spending almost seven years at the same spot. Our beloved friends divorced. Fertility issues have stuck our inner circle repeatedly. After three years of caution and avoidance, COVID-19 finally caught me and (at least for me) was no where near a common cold...I am still struggling to get a full inhale months later. My husband's long time entertainment manager died unexpectedly only for him to find out his first love and long time partner died unexpectedly a few weeks later. The company I poured my heart and soul into for many years has shuttered and is closing its doors forever. It feels weird to grieve, but if you knew me at all during all those years, you know how much of myself went to that job and that company and it's really sad to see them wash away completely. Ten years marked without my best friend and big sister, Crystal. Her forty second birthday was this past week. Really struggling to avoid politics when I feel like my LGBTQ siblings are enduring one of the most viscious attacks I've ever witnessed by many people who would like to see us all erased. And perhaps why after more than a year and half of not writing anything, I am here on Mother's Day.....the gaping hole in the center of who I am just wont close. It gets smaller sometimes, and that feels better. But I am forever changed and struggling to understand this new self and get reacquainted to him. Missing my mom is just the very tip of it. Yes, I miss her. But what really hurts is that I need her. I need her to listen and tell me that everything will be okay, without judgement and with endless support of me, flaws and strengths and all. And the fact that I need something that I cannot have hurts more than the grief. When you know you're hungry and that you'll never eat again, you just...somehow forget you're hungry? There are plenty of bright spots too. I have a thriving practice doing a job I never imagined loving so much. And a part time job added to that where I get to work alongside many other talented therapists and finding the beauty of clinical connection again. A new solo office that I got to hand pick, decorate, and curate, with my credentials on the wall. Officially trained in a trauma treatment called EMDR that has transformed my personal life and given me tools to help my most vulnerable clients. Inching super close to the final dissertation part of my doctorate. Lots of quality time with friends new and old and a big trip to celebrate my 40th birthday in Maui is just twelve weeks away! Good health and still lots of laughter for me and my family. But, the math aint mathing so far. Instead of drama free in 20-23, it's feeling like drama o'plenty in 20-23. And today I just want to be sad. I want to let those hunger pains know that I see them, and feel them constantly and that I don't think we're finding any food to eat. It's been kind of desolate and bleak out here inner AJ. Maybe that is it? Just feel it fully and try not to push it down or away?

August Gloom

My heart has been so heavy the past few weeks. Typically I can "talk my self out of feeling this way" but this time, not so much. I should preface that August is always the toughest month of the year for me. It holds the anniversary of both my Dad and sister's passing which brings up so many triggers. I normally just like to pretend like the first three weeks of August don't happen; disassociate and come back to myself after August 22nd just in time to celebrate my birthday. This year I am FEELING everything. It almost seems like my defensive armor is lost or something. There are some bright spots---I got to see two souls I adore wed one another and dance at their wedding under the stars while the waves crashed into the shore behind us. My body aches still for moving in ways it hasn't in 18 months and to be amongst friends in this type of gathering sharing community, support, and love was fuel to keep me going. My bright, brilliant girl got to return to school full time and I get to witness a completely reawakened child whose zest for learning and peer connection returned within a matter of days. I got to meet my dear cousins new baby and hold her and rock her and sing to and giggle with her. It is a reminder that life goes on and what's at stake is for that next generation. My work is fulfilling in ways I had never known or experienced before and I have a roof over but my head, food in the fridge, and lots of love and support. But I also witnessed a country overthrown by terrorism and humans--- peoples brothers, sons, fathers, and friends---cling to an airplane as it departed only to fall to their death live on camera because the fear of remaining there was too bleak and scary. And those were only the men, which indicates to me that the women and girls are in an even worse position. I don't know about y'all, but much like the memory permanently tattooed in my brain of those people jumping from the twin towers twenty years ago, I am almost certain I'll never be able to unsee it. We are so deeply divided and a global pandemic rages on with mutant variants determined to take us all down, but our own philosophical or personal beliefs interject to banish the very things that could save us all and cause further divisiveness. Another domestic white terrorist stood in front of our nations capitol for hours yesterday threatening to blow it up with bombs he had strapped to himself. It barely made a blip on the news and we've all seemed to forget that home-grown terrorists stormed our capitol THIS year, causing anarchy while some people stood at home and cheered them on. Everyone is tired. Everyone is beat down. And each day seems to bring something new and more damning than the day before it. Due to all of this, so much of the grief process feels stolen and taken from me. My Mom has been gone over eight months. She died amidst the second (or was it third? Maybe fourth?) wave of COVID-19. Her hospice was on lockdown and we had to rotate in and out following changing rules by the hour based on positive case rates and other factors. We were the LUCKY ones too; so many people have had to say goodbye to their people over video or worse yet, no chance to say goodbye. Virtual funerals are better than no funerals I suppose, but it's just not the same. The next moment, people had to return to their chaotic lives and keep "figuring it all out" while those who loved her the most are just left reeling. It's all so...unfinished. A friend and colleague said to me, "life just is different when the person who brought you into the world is no longer in it anymore." I'm an orphan whose seen the dead body of both parents and a sister as they leave this earth before my fourtieth birthday. It sucks and it feels unfair. It is unfair. I know I'll be able to pull myself up from my bootstraps and keep it moving. In a few hours, I'll login and give my all to my work and then submit some stuff for my doctoral program and probably giggle with my husband at a funny line Kathy Hilton says on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills or text my daughter about who the new Head of Household might be on Big Brother. But right now, I just want to throw a bit of a fit. Kick and scream, shout and cry. The end.

Heavenly Covens

How does one feel in the world when the nucleus is gone? Or in my case the multiple, being nuclei? Where are they, my beloveds? Are they together? If not, do they convene when visiting or thinking of me? I like to think of it like a circle, a heavenly coven almost, or not quite, I am not really sure exactly. But doesn't that sound nice? My sister, the one who knew the real me fixing herself a nice cup of tea, just a tad sweet but strong nodes of chai or camomile. Once to the perfect temperature (is there temperature there or is it always a perfect 78 degrees outside) heads out of her floating cabin, hovers ever so gently over to Dad's hut as to not disrupt or spill or tea. Dad's place is much more masculine but equally as beautiful as sisters with strange and colorful artwork that inspires him because he couldn't see all color here on earth. They lock hands, sisters other still grasping the mug as they float over to Moms place. She's new in town and still getting her place just right, yet she insists on hosting for the coven visits to me. "I brought him into this world" she says and Dad and sister giggle at her to remind her there is no more THIS WORLD. I picture her place almost like a birds nest, but instead of chirping its Motown hits (only the REALLY good ones) playing ever so gently in the background. She can't decide on decor, sometimes when she starts to think about it she remembers that I am still here and instead of going to heaven's version of West Elm or Restoration Hardware, she instead does what all moms do and checks in to make sure I am OK instead. The decor can wait when baby bird is still so completely broken. Cross legged on the floor and hands clasped they tune into me. My three. In so many ways I want to be there with them. It's so completely messed up that I don't get to participate. I'm not saying I want to die, but I have always had FOMO, and a heavenly yoga-esque circle meetings with my favorites makes me yearn to hear the laughter, pay attention to the soft sips of tea, catch those only-with-these-people side glances and ways that we could make fun of one another, but strike and kill anyone else who even said boo about one of us individually. I am not yet forty and my three are gone. For now. Is it strange that I always do this math? If I live til ninety, I would've only had Dad for 15% of my life, sister for 33%, and mother for 40% of my earthly time. Total bummer. Totally and completely unfair. Grief is such a strange and intense ride. And I've never been a real thrill seeker to be honest. Where else other than on a risky endeavor (think Ninja ride at Six Flags or something similar) do you cry, laugh, scream, fly, fall, shake, be still and slow your breathing, feel your breathing rise and fall in miliseconds, and end with wiping tears away while yelling to the attendant, "again, again?" To me, that's how I feel most days and times. When people lovingly check in with me to see how I am doing (which I am so grateful for) I sometimes just shrug my shoulders because explaining THAT feeling to them as it swirls inside of me is almost impossible. You can't really put words into it while you're on the ride, and some parts of you feel like your insides will literally fall out if you open your mouth or try to speak. Look, I know loss. Very well. It's excruciating and there is absolutely zero way around that. As much as I want someone to take it away, make is subside (even if just for a day or two), when it came down to it, I wouldn't let them. What these three have given and taken from me is only for me and I hold it so tightly that I'd claw and fight anyone who ever attempted to remove or release any of it. It's mine. They were mine.

Mom

Bleh....this is the post I've been dreading writing for weeks although I know it's important to work through, and my process always includes the written word. I lost my Mom on December 5th, 2020 after her battle with cancer. Although I was there in the room with her on the moment she transitioned out of this life, it's still shocking to my system in so many ways to even see these words in some sort of formal declaration. I suppose part of me is just waiting for her to call or walk through the front door after going on a vacation or being away for a few months. Those that knew us know that we were the best of friends, and I believe the word Mama's boy doesn't even touch our bond or the way I felt about her. It wasn't unusual for us to talk on the phone for hours, sometimes twice a day. People would often wonder, what do you two even talk about for so long all of the time? We talked about EVERYTHING. My mother wanted to know me deeply, she was inquisitive about every aspect of my life. Perhaps what I miss most at this very moment is having THAT, a person who cared about how I felt about my work performance, how and what my life and friends and spouse and child were REALLY like from my perspective, what my fears about life entailed, made sure that I said "I love you" when hanging up the phone with my spouse (instead of 'love ya'), and most of all made sure to remind me that I needed to 'stop and smell the roses.' I remember one trip to Los Angeles where Mom and I were driving down a palm-tree-lined street and there was this beautiful overhang on one home's fence of pink and purple flowers enraptured by beautiful ivy and greenery. Mom made me drive around the block and park in front of the house. It was a drive I took often and she said, "How can you drive by this and not stop to absorb it all?" We stayed only for a few minutes, she wanted a photo of the beautiful flowers and moreso I think wanted to remind me to slow down and appreciate the beauty all around me. She wasn't pushy, but she wouldn't accept defeat either. In the way that only a Mom can do, she would push me without being pushy. Mom loved life. She had many "careers" in her short 59 years, many of them centered around art and beauty. She was a hard worker. She'd also want me to write that down here. She was also flawed, and often stubborn. She was deeply emotional. She was all of those things, and somehow found a way to find the silver lining in life. Many might be surprised by this but Mom and I also engaged in frequent heated debates. I think she found surprise in some of my opinions on life, especially those that seemed so far opposite of those she held about important topics. I remember her once saying, "I just don't understand how someone raised by me can have these opinions on what I see as fundamentally opposed to my own." A few weeks later, after what I would call one of our hardest talks about a very sensitive topic, she called to say she had thought a lot about it and knew deep down her role was to support me no matter what, and she also wasn't going to change her mind but that she also knew she wasn't going to change mine either. It was in these moments that I find so much peace right now. Isn't that what parenting and unconditional love really look like? I wish I had the words to tell her that back then because now I am only starting to realize all of the gifts she gave to me regularly and how impactful that was to me. While she could freely debate or push me on just about anything and everything, God help anyone else who ever even slightly tried to come for me. At '5 feet nothing' as she would say often, the lioness was ever protective of her children. Plus I was the perfect son, so what was there for anyone else to complain about? When I came out at 28, Mom went into overdrive. She read, she blogged, and she made sure to always tell me that absolutely nothing was wrong with me and she was so happy I was brave enough to live in my truth. When I met and married my husband, my Mom fell deeply in love with him as well. She couldn't begin to understand how his own parents couldn't fully embrace their son for the beauty that made him, well him. And she made her life's mission to ensure he knew that she was his parent too. It's a running joke, one I think that will never fully pass, that in some ways Mom loved him more than she did me ('flips own hair'- absolutely impossible by the way but we'll go with it for a moment) and I am so thankful Mom got to see me with the person she prayed for all of my life- someone who adored and cherished me and made me a better person. On the day she checked into the hospital for the final time, Mom called and spoke to him on the phone. I listened and wept from the bathroom as she...in the way she could always do...laid it all out there in love and made sure nothing was left unsaid. Mom wasn't scared to die, but she was scared to leave me behind. She knew what a devastating loss this would be to me, and up to the very last minute she held on for me because as she always said, "she'd step in front of a train for me, no matter where, when, or what" and even in her dying moments she fought to spare me anymore pain or suffering. I've been a frequent participant in the grief process. I lost my dad just before my fouteenth birthday to suicide. I lost my older sister in the summer of 2013 just before my thirtieth birthday to cancer. I've known crying until it hurts, and then just keep going until somehow it stops. This time just feels...different. It wasn't completely unexpected, but wasn't expected either. It's somewhere in the middle. We thought the cancer was gone, after many excruciating surgeries, only to find out it had come back fast and with a vengeance. Cancer completely sucks and is excruciating to watch it take the people you love the most, sparing no expense for goodness or kindness. It takes no mercy. I've been showered in so much love since Mom passed and I am so appreciative of everything and everyone. I've studied grief for a few years, and yet all of the studying and research, all of the outpouring of support, all of the great memories, and all of the previous grief experiences offer very little compensation for the giant sized hole left inside of me. Some days, I can barely get my body to cooperate and get me out of my bed in the morning. Other days, I am up and ready to take on the world by 8 am. I can be doing something one moment and a memory hits me so hard that I literally have to sit down right where I am at and breathe it out for a moment, kind of like getting the wind knocked out of you. Weekend mornings seem to be some of the toughest, as these were part of our ritual, to eat breakfast and FaceTime with Mom while Harper and her chatted and shared laughs in the background at whatever funny filters they could use that week. I would be cooking breakfast and inserting myself into the conversation to ask questions about what ingredients or foods I might need to buy that week to make one of her recipes or what show she had told me about yesterday that we needed to watch. Sabin would wake, and come in to say hello and they'd have their few minutes of video connection. We got a new sofa yesterday (very much needed) and as I sit on it typing this out I am also so saddened that Mom isn't seeing it right now. She had a strong connection to place and space, and would often want tours around the house or for me to send her photos of the background-like my office space setup or how the yard looked when the bounce house for a birthday party to come in a few weeks. I'd like to imagine that today she'd give motherly advice on where the pillows should be positioned on the new sofa, or how much longer I should cook the waffles to get them to the right crispiness. I would appease her and move the pillows, make the dogs get off because the Scotch Guard hasn't been on for 24 hours (which would drive her nutso), and then as soon as we hung up I'd let them back up and eat my 'soggy waffle' in peace. And then she'd call back a few minutes later because she forgot to tell me one special ingredient, where to find it in the grocery store (because Bay Leaves aren't in the produce section, they are for some-odd-reason with the spices) and see that I was eating the soggy waffle and have moved the pillows back and just roll her eyes. Today, the pups get to stay put as we all reminisce and miss her together.

Forget #noregrets and cue #1millionregrets

There has been a lot of news lately, whether rhetorically or directly about how people can support Biden/Harris when they've held controversial, and yes even sometimes hurtful, positions on particular issues in the past. It got me thinking about the #noregrets culture that has been so popular, and how that has somehow been a funnel into the current cancel culture we are experiencing so visibly today. I am not sure how it started, or why it started, but I do know it is COMPLETE. BULLSHIT. I kind of went crazy in college and did some erroneous stuff. Gram, if you're reading this is where you want to stop, trust me. I lived in large houses packed in with several friends and we had some of the wildest parties I have ever attended, and our yearly Halloween parties were amongst the craziest. My friends and I would come up with wild costumes and fill entire coolers with everclear and any other liquor we could secure with our fake ID's (I don't mean put ice into the cooler and then put in bottled beverages, I mean just pour the liquor straight into a cooler and then ladle it out into a plastic cup). There are photos of me dancing on a pool table, mostly (OK, fully) nude and acting like a lunatic. I am not sharing all of this to relive the "good old days" but to set the scene for something I am about to type and put on the internet that I am so deeply ashamed and certainly have one million regrets over. One year for Halloween, I dressed in black face. Sigh. That sucked to even type out. I just typed and then deleted an explanation of why I did this because honestly it doesn't matter. It was hurtful and it contributed to systemic racism and is a blaring example of my white privilege. If I could go back and change it, I would. I am embarrassed and my views (obviously) have shifted dramatically since that time roughly twenty years ago. It's something I'll have to live with when I lay in bed next to my black husband and perhaps my daughter will see someday and to which I might have to offer an explanation. /// I say all of this to go back to the original point which is people change and evolve and hopefully their evolution is for the better. Thinking of my coming out story my own mother wept for her child, worried about his soul and if he'd secure a place in heaven for being gay. Fast forward a few years and she wept tears of joy at her son's wedding to the man of his dreams and wrote a blog for other struggling parents of LGBTQ youth. And it's not just changes from decades past. I regret deeply my tone yesterday with my husband. I regret not taking the plunge and restarting my career sooner. I regret not finding a way to spend more days with my sister and my dad and my Grandpa while they were here. We are all works in progress. /// A few years back I was really personally struggling in my retail career and somehow convinced my employer to let me be the social media "face" of our brand (sidenote, still can't believe they said yes). I knew I couldn't do the 60-hour-a-week intense job for much longer so I just made up a completely different job that I thought might fulfill me. The company flew me to New York City and I took a video making boot camp and was off to the races making videos for customers about the company, brands we sold, and showcasing my own parenting skills by including my daughter. Things went great for the first few months and I felt really happy with the 100K+ views my videos were getting. I would wake up sometimes in the middle of the night just to check the views. It was like a drug. I even flew across the country and made an "event appearance" at one of our store locations in the midwest. There were other blogger competitors in the field who were pretty unhappy about this and when I did a video on a product that directly impacted child safety (BTW, to which I was and still am totally unqualified to be talking about to thousands of people) the entire web lit me up. I started getting death threats in the comments, people sent letters to the CEO about how I was a baby-murderer, and one of these bloggers actually issued a post to their millions of followers calling for the "cancellation" of my entire company because they "let me post this inaccurate garbage to the internet." It totally sucked. But here is another example of this cancel culture. Should I have known better and done more research and been more prepared? Absolutely. I never did another video and wallowed in that job for another year before finally having the bravery to finally leave and pursue my true passion. It was a learning experience in listening to myself, that inner part of me and to "don't go chasing waterfalls."/// So back to the beginning. I have dozens and dozens of things I am deeply regretful of. I just admitted some of them to you. Sometimes a simple "sorry" just isn't enough, especially if you've hurt people. You have to just keep saying it, and more importantly SHOWING IT, and reconcile it within yourself. I've changed so much in the past ten years, and ten years before that, and tens years before that too. My learning has directly and indirectly hurt some of the people I love the most. So I don't buy into #noregrets and as I sort through this internally think it actually is really harmful to have this mentality. Growth is hard, but necessary./// Back to this election. Before anyone goes in on me, I get it---we can't have it both ways. I can't forgive Joe and Kamala for the sins of their past and not be willing to forgive Trump. But, here in proves my fundamental issue with Trump and his followers. I never hear "I'm sorry" or "forgive me." In fact, I hear that "systemic racism isn't real" and lots of bullying and mean tweets to anyone who demands an apology for the way he treated them or spoke to them. I can understand the defense of saying things you don't mean about war heroes or those with disabilities, but you've got to stand up and say sorry and change your ways. Maybe the "you're fired" and cancel culture are connected? As we all begin voting (PLEASE VOTE) my bets and hopes are on the empathetic person who I've seen overcome tragedy and heard time and time again, "I made a mistake, I was wrong, please forgive me." And even more importantly, I hope others see me this way too. If I have hurt you in the past (which is likely as I type this out) whether directly or indirectly I am so sorry and please forgive me.