Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Follow the theme

There is something about the smell of the ocean or the sound of the waves crashing into the beach that settles my soul and requires me to dig deep and reflect. Every half a year or so I enter a dark place of insecurity and uncertainty. Why am I here? What am I passionate about? What is my purpose. Usually I can kick myself out of this place quickly but this time I've been stuck. I want to leave a mark, contribute to something BIG, or figure out how to leave the world at least a little better than how I found it. Before I continue, let me state that I am not complaining. I lead a charmed, spectacular life. For God's sake, I am typing this from poolside on vacation in Mexico! However, even those that appear to have it all together truly don't have it together at all. Back to reflection, I often wonder what it is that is going to finally fill that void that seems to always rear its ugly head. I have to go back to childhood and really dig in for understanding. I played one season of soccer when I was about eight. It was the only organized sport or season I ever played. I've all but lost any concrete memories of anything before my Dad died when I was a few days from turning 14, however that one season of soccer sticks out (probably because my mother permed my hair before the team photo and I cringe every time I see it). For many kids they discovered what they were good at or passionate about through sports and team work. I learned that it got me a lot of attention. I spent the practices and games looking at my grandparents and parents on the sidelines watching me instead of watching the ball or game. I didn't learn about my passion and I was a really lousy soccer player but I did learn that I craved attention and approval from adults in my life. In my teenage years, I pursued any activity that put me in the spotlight, taking the lead in every theater production and serving as Editor-in-Chief of my high school yearbook. I loved the attention and pressure to perform. My closest and few remaining friends from high school was my teacher! I love and adore her, but are you starting to see a theme? I've always been responsible, probably overly responsible. My mother always jokes that I'm the parent and she's the child. My younger sister starts most difficult conversations with "I don't want a lecture on this, but..." I'm working on being more spontaneous. i have no idea what any of this means and I'm not going to guess, however I am starting to weave together a theme and one thing I've learned is to follow the theme. For now I'm going to settle into this mimosa and keep reflecting.

2 comments:

  1. Oooh....we are so sharing a bottle of wine and talking about ALL of this the next time I am in LA. I can relate way too much - the people-pleasing and being in the role of parent instead of sibling or daughter, feeling lost, etc.
    Still struggling with it but my amazing therapist has helped me walk through this and untangle a bunch of stuff....I know it sounds crazy but getting in touch with your inner child is extremely healing. There are a lot of good books and web stuff out there about it.
    Also books by Melody Beattie were so eye-opening for me.
    It's such an important journey, and just know you are not alone! You are an amazing person and you have given so much of yourself to others. Time to invest in yourself :) Love love love and enjoy vacay! SO JEALOUS!

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  2. The "'what is my purpose" question is one we all face, so don't feel alone there. I think we best see our purpose when we are serving others. That's why I love this teaching thing I do. Loving friends and family is another way to live with purpose. Loving strangers? Mucho harder, but still part of our job here. I think you do this in your career every day, because you try so hard to deliver excellence to your customers and coworkers. Everyone who knows you can attest to your love of your family and friends...you're a great dad, husband, son, brother, grandson, nephew, cousin, and pal. You always spread love and joy in your circle. Maybe if you're seeking some more spontaneity and purpose you could start random acts of service. You know, coffee to the homeless dude on the bench, restaurant gift card for a stressed out mom in a store, visit with an inmate at a jail (risky in a cool way!). Who knows, you might start a trend. Just some late night brainstorming...glad it's not for a stupid Jostens deadline! Love you tons, and with forever approval. Kelly

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