Sunday, August 14, 2011

At 3 months

Harper is more vibrant than ever, and like everything else in my life, things have completely changed once again.

I am sitting here in my house with a sleeping baby next to me (don't judge, I cant bring myself to let her sleep in her crib yet), and I found a few moments to stop staring at her long enough to dust off the old computer and update to my blog. I am so enthralled by every movement, every cute sound, every first.  And Harper has grown so much!

Forgive my three month absence, I've been enthralled with the most amazing little person (I know all parent's say this, but she definitely is). If I haven't responded to your messages, emails, etc it's not for any other reason than I have been too busy and too focused on being Daddy to worry about anything else.

Two weeks after her birth, I accepted a new job with another company, interestingly enough a baby store!  I have literally been traveling ever since and just completed a two and a half month training process where I have spent a total of of the last 65 of 75 nights in a hotel room stretched between Phoenix, San Jose, and East San Francisco. I still have another three weeks until my store here in Sacramento opens.  But I am home, for good this time and it feels surreal. And wonderful.  And daunting. And strange.  And awesome.

I am so used to having full control.  Over my life and every aspect of it.  The past three months, and Harper in particular, have taught me to start to shed that part of myself.  Being a Dad, a working road warrior, and having to deal with a divorce, new baby, and new job all at the same time has forced me to rethink everything I thought I knew or thought I wanted for my life. I haven't mastered it, but every day I am starting to let go a little more. 

I wish I could update all of you on everything, but there's been so many changes that it would take me an entire night to update it all.  And truthfully, it's all irrelevant anyway.  The three months has crawled on and flown by at the same time.  I had a wonderful visit with some of my very best friends four weekends ago, Aunt Crystal and Harper's cousins Rilynn and MeKaty at the beginning of summer, and Grandma Maureen last weekend.  Harper's Mom moved out of the house about a month ago, and once again lives with her boyfriend and friends in their community in Sacramento.  Harper gets passed from house to house, and Aunt Brinn still lives here and helps me when I have her at her home. Grandma and Grandpa O'Brien live close by and here to help too. Everyone is trying to figure out how this all works and looks, but truth be told I know that as soon as we do, it will all change again.  So instead I try to focus on the good things.  A solid job, this beautiful house to raise my daughter in, and many friends and family here to support and encourage when they can.  Has it been easy?  No. Am I starting to find that place of happiness that was taken away from me?  Absolutely.  And every day with Harper reminds me why I was put on this Earth.  To be her Daddy.  To teach her right from wrong, morals, integrity, and also to learn from her too.  I hope when Harper looks back on this journal some day, she still feels like no matter what happened in life, that I always had her back and was there to encourage her, guide her, advise her, listen to her, and be her biggest fan.  I have softened in so many ways because of her.  I've hardened in others.  When it comes to her protection, upbringing, and safety I will never falter.  When it comes to loving more fully, being more connected to those that I love, and being present I am so much better than I ever was before.  I slow down when I need to, I speed up when I need to.  Like Harper, I am learning to master the art of self soothing. 

faux hawks just like their Dad's. Once fall comes and her hair gets longer, I think it will be more apparent.  Many of you have wondered, and I realized that it was quite the taboo question to ask, but she is definitely my child.  Paternity test shows that she shares more genetic markers with me than with her own Mom (2 more, but I say three just because one of them is sex and she is a female).  She fake coughs and cries for attention, but immediately grins when she knows that she "got you."  She has everyone that meets her wrapped around her finger.  She goes where ever, and is such an easy baby.  She goes with the flow, doesn't require adjusting your own schedule to cater to her.  If she is tired, she just goes to sleep.  No fighting or whining whatsoever. She loves her Bumbo, bouncing Exersaucer, and door swing.  She likes to swim (most of the time and if the water is warm).  She goes in her little boat that her Grandpa bought for her.  She likes bath time with Daddy, but only in the mornings.  She is my everything and I love her more than words can say.