Sunday, February 13, 2011

Ten Weeks

What a difference a week can make. A week ago today I was wheels down in California which turned out to be a much needed trip for clarity on a bajillion things.

I now know two things for sure.

1) I absolutely can not wait to move back to California. The Golden State was created for me. The weather, the people, everything just fit back together. I was somewhat angry at myself for ever feeling so alone or deserted there because when I looked around all I saw was love for me, in leaps and bounds. And not the fake California movie scripted kind of love, but genuinely concerned friends and family members who were concerned about me and are excited to welcome me back.

2) I am severly under-prepared for our baby girl to come in (clears throat) 10 weeks or less. While my other expecting friends are hanging mobiles and making final touches on their nurseries, I don't even have a couch. Literally, I don't have a thing.

I got to attend Harper's ultrasound with my ex, and got to see all of her organs, her spine, and yes her part that makes her officially a GIRL! When I think about her, mainly because of the really frightening face shot you get in those ancient ultrasounds, I keep calling her Daddy's little panda bear! She has the Fernandez circles already! And she has hair...apparently they can tell that in the ultrasound!

Since I got back to Antartica...oops I meant mind is constantly wandering and my stomach in knots. Ten weeks, ten freaking weeks until Baby Harper arrives! Let the countdown begin.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

The update

I had such a magical weekend with my Mom, sister, and niece Sienna. They arrived on Thursday night and it was non stop until they left on Monday. We shopped up and down Michigan Avenue, had a wonderful meal cooked by Logan at Stephen's apartment, and Carey's baby shower was a nice, relaxing culmination to the weekend. Katie and I got to cut loose and dance it up with Nick one night, it's so much more fun being adult siblings. You actually WANT to be around your siblings instead of having to be separated constantly for fighting when you're kiddos. I am so proud of my sister. The old Busha would have snapped off or had a nervous breakdown with a crying overtired baby and self, whereas adult Mama Katie taught me a few things about being Zen. My Mom always makes me smile, and I am so blessed to have been raised by such an open/accepting human being who has never cut someone down based on anything other than poor character. She also trekked Chicago like a local and I believe went away with the understanding that Illinois is a wonderful place to visit, but an awful place to actually live. They made it both out safely before Snoprah Winfrey...the great Blizzard of 2011 hit so I was thankful for that. 

Many of you have asked for an update from me on what's happening in my life. When I first came to Chicago I had this grand dream of starting over as Carrie Bradshaw in Sex in the City leaving behind California and all of the horrible things that happened to me while I was there. I thought about, even posted to Facebook, that as soon as I got away from the madness that I could finally breath again. My Mom even wrote how she would move here and we both spooled up this idea that I would have an amicable split from Shea, start my career over here, and Mom would help me with the baby when I had joint custody of her. I would take long walks through the streets of Chicago with my best friend and our daughters would grow up hand in hand playing patty cake together. My best friends would be an active part of Harper's life and everyone would live happily ever after. It was a great dream, actually an incredibly amazing one. There was only one major problem, it was a complete falacy and about 48 hours after I landed, reality smacked me in the face. My friends, while they love and adore me, had their own lives and partners that actually loved and respected them and who, understandably so, get to use up all of their spare time outside of 50-60 hour work weeks. They had also experienced 4-6 Chicago winters and were all nearing Chicago retirement. My Mom didn't hear anything about a job transfer and I realized that if and when it ever happened that she too has a husband and full time job so the likelihood of her being able to babysit was slim for atleast the next 15-20 years that she is a full time worker. And I fell into the deepest darkest time of my life.  I slept for 12-15 hours at a time, and only could pull myself out of bed in enough time to throw on some clothes and show up to work.  I lost even more weight than I had in California, and my mental and physical state was deteriorating with every passing second. 

And then I started thinking about California and how much I loved living there. How I told people every single day that Roseville was the most wonderful place I had ever lived. The weather, shopping, accessibily to San Francisco, the Ocean, Tahoe were all spectacular. And my home, with the pool and yellow lawn furniture was something I dreamt of and worked tirelessly to be able to have. I was ruining my credit and financial future for my baby, and I had worked too hard and too long to give it all up. Sure, Shea was the reason I went there initially, but did she deserve the right to take everything away from me that I loved? Hell no! Should her family have to suffer because of her absolutely horrendous mistakes? No. Did she hold the weight to ruin other aspects of my life, like my credit, well being, and newfound deep friendships I had formed there? Absolutely not. So around Thanksgiving I had already started considering moving back to California. It was becoming apparent that Shea was not sorry for what she had done or was continuing to do, and I was missing my unborn baby more than I could ever put into words. How could I simply concede to allowing Shea to pass on any of her new ideaology to my baby, when I knew that it was so wrong and fundamentally against everything I knew was right in this world? And I was just supposed to start over, and rebuild everything I had worked so hard for?  I simply couldn't do it...

But then I thought, what will everyone else think and how will they react?  I could already picture my Mom's response, and I cringed at the thought of ever having to tell her I was "going back into the fire."  I knew she prayed every single day for me to get the hell out there and how could I admit that I wanted to go back.  Also, my work had just told me that I was going to start interviewing for jobs at our home office, a dream of mine with a more than comfortable salary, regular 8-5 Monday-Friday schedule, and with a company that I loved.  Only problem is that the dream job with the dream company was in Philadelphia!  I was already hating Chicago and missing California, how could I ever consider going even further away from my child just to make myself happy. 

And on Christmas Eve it just clicked for me.  I remember something my old boss would say, "life is about the journey, not the destination."  I got an email from someone who loves me very much begging me to consider coming back and giving it another go.  She wrote, "it won't ever look the same, but it doesn't mean you have to give it all up." And just like that, I knew.  I knew that I had to tell Urban Outfitters to no longer consider me for the promotions, I bucked up and explained it to Mom and my closest friends (and got a lot of apprehensive looks and chats, understandly so) and made the final decision that California and Harper were not just calling me home, they were screaming for me to get back.

So yes, I will say farewell to Chicago in April and head back to California for good before my daughter is born.  I am so thankful for the time I got to spend here.  I was able to see my best friend through her pregnancy (and meet her baby in person before I go) and reconnect with my closest friends on this Earth and make new friends as well.  But as I wrote above, home is calling.  I will be in California this upcoming week for a few days to start the process of transitioning back permanently in eight weeks or so.  I am attending a prenatal visit with Shea, finalizing all of the paperwork with an attorney, and figuring out how life will be (as much as you can pre-plan, and everyone knows I am a planner) when I go back.  Where will I live, how will I get around, how will being a full time Dad and full time employee actually work?  There are so many questions, but I am so certain of my decision and know that God will guide me through the rest of these dilemmas.  And if I ever needed a tip on the iceberg to validate my decision (which I really didn't) Snoprah Winfrey took care of that for me.  40 hours couped up in an apartment while 23 inches of snow falls will make anyone wish to be ANYWHERE but here.  Golden State, I am coming home...